I’m not gonna start the morphine pump trial tomorrow. I talked to the work comp claims adjuster (aka liar), who told me that she hasn’t heard anything about it from my doc’s office, so they’re not going to pay for it. The doc’s secretary told me they discussed it over the phone, but phone calls don’t leave a paper trail, so w.c. has “plausible deniability”.

This is just another w.c. stall; they will eventually have to approve payment or fight me at a hearing, where they will lose and then pay for it and my lawyer. But I can’t believe how this news affected me emotionally; I feel total despair.

I have been looking forward to not waking up every hour or two to take another oxycodone, a chance to think without drugs and sleep deprivation clouding my brain, and I’m incredibly depressed. I know it will happen someday, but today I’m just plain crushed. And it doesn’t end there.

On Thanksgiving of 2005 I learned how severe my weight loss had become; I weighed 139 pounds. I began a crash course of eating, of trying to gain weight. It has been a hard fight. Almost every day for two years my stomach has felt painfully distended; I have to stuff myself constantly, so much that most of the time the weight of a blanket on by stomach is painfully heavy.

I’ve been doing this for two years, and I weigh five pounds less than I did in Nov, 2005.

I have always been healthy, so healthy I can remember every time I’ve been sick since I became an adult: five times. I haven’t had a severe cold since 1995. The only time I saw a doc for anything except my injuries was 1982, but today I saw a GP, and learned that my liver is way too big. It is so large, the GP thinks that’s why I’m having a hard time eating.

(I told my doc in 1996 that I didn’t want to have any liver enzyme tests. Why bother? I knew this would happen, but the only way to prevent it was to stop taking opiates, and that just isn’t an option).

I probably should have waited to see the GP, but I wanted to be sure there wouldn’t be any obvious problems that might interfere with getting the pump trial started. Now I know, but I don’t know what to do about it.

The GP wanted me to go straight to the hospital for more tests, but I refused. I’m not going to do anything about my liver. I have no desire to spend money or to suffer more just to extend a life I don’t enjoy very much, but I don’t know what to do about eating. Today, I feel like eating enough to keep me comfortable, but not eating to gain weight; but that means I start losing weight today. At 134 pounds, I won’t last long if I start losing. I guess I’ll keep eating, but my heart won’t be in it.

I’m not asking for advice or for sympathy, I’m just venting and you’re my victims because you’re the only people I know. I don’t see any point in worrying my family about it, yet, there’s nothing they can do.

I wish I had waited to see the GP once I learned the trial won’t start tomorrow; getting this news when I’m already totally depressed isn’t helping. I have no idea how long it will be before I begin showing symptoms of liver failure, and I don’t want to know. It could be a year from now.

I really mean it about not wanting sympathy. I know some of you will feel bad at reading this news, but most of you know that I’ve been hoping for a heart attack for a few years now. Like the Philosopher said: Aint none of us getting out of here alive.

Except: I believe Jesus is coming to collect His people before things get really bad, and I know that one mistake by any of several “world leaders” could turn things really bad overnight. Owell, I don’t have a vote in that.

Meanwhile, I hope I can start the trial soon. It would be nice to sleep eight hours and to wake up without a drug hangover and extra pain…Vic

Just sending you a HUG... because I understand!


Abbie

Vicc,
I understand. I talked to a man once that told me to try and hang in there because the reason we are here suffering on earth is because God chose us before we were born to go through these trials or test what ever you want to call it. When God decides to take us, we that suffer so greatly will have the greatest rewards when we go. At the time he told me this, I was going through an awful time with depression. I couldn't understand why God did this to me.This man said alot more to me, too long to get into now. But it gave me some comfort that I needed at the time. I realized that God didn't hate me, and I belive all of us here will be blessed when we go. Some people might not agree with me, but sometimes it gets me through the day. I am praying for you and hope you get through this hard time.

SUE K.

Good old w/c always up for a stalling technique or excuse - but is is just that a stall - another darn bump in the road.

Can your dr or atty - or both - write a strong letter about the liver findings as a push for the pump to be approved quickly?

Good luck. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Don't let them get to you or they'll get their way.

Hey Vic, I know you well enough to know that you really mean it when you say you don't want sympathy, and I know not to give it...

Work Comp bites! I will say that...

Now about gainin some weight.....eat tons of ice cream everynight before you go to bed, sleep on the left side...laffs..cause if your on the right, the food digest better, and ya don't want that...ya wanna make ya body absorb it and help ya gain that weight

It's great to see you, I love when you post, and I try to read as much as can, them kids are just keepin me beyond busy....one day they'll be out on their own and I'll be like.... its about dang time! laffs

Hugs to ya Vic......eat lots of ice cream ... ohhh and lil Debbie cakes are good for that to


Deb

Vicc,
I am so sorry about your problems, I really hope that things will get better for you.
You should have been to the hospital for the tests on your liver, its better to be safe than sorry. Peoplen are worried about you
Pain free hugs
Alison

After I wrote that post I had second thoughts. Should I still be talking about my weight? Should I burden my friends with thoughts of my liver eventually failing? Should I talk about how emotionally devestated I was at learning the trial wouldn't happen as scheduled. especially when I knew it would happen eventually?

Yes, yes and yes. I was in the pits, and just saying so helped me begin to sort things out in my mind. I know I have a history of coming here for emotional support and that someone might think I'm overusing the forum, but it works so well.

I need to say that we're doing everything possible to help me gain weight. Despite other problems in my marriage, my wife constantly proves her desire to help me in every way she can: She buys food she knows I enjoy and cooks it the way she knows I'll enjoy it most. There is always Breyer's ice cream in the freezer, chocolate chip cookies on the shelf, and at least five kinds of chocolate candy in the cookie tin beside me. There's always something to snack on. The problem is that I hate overeating, and that's the only way I can avoid losing even more weight.

I sure hope the hospital doesn't want to run a liver enzyme test before the trial, or that liver damage won't stop it. My doc and I have talked about liver damage and opiates several times over the years, and he appears to agree with me that that is the price for keeping my pain manageable.

Now the good news. I called my lawyer about this new stall tactic, and she called my "claims adjustor". She said that unless they agreed to pay for the trial -- and the pump itself if the trial is successful -- in 24 hours, she would file an immediate petition for a hearing.

The trial is now set for next Wednsday. I knew it would happen eventually, but I didn't expect it to happen so soon.

I want to take a moment to tell anyone involved with work comp or social security: You need expert lawyers. Don't choose one who advertises defending against DUIs or anything except work comp or soc sec. During my fight with work comp, my atty knew every decision in Kansas and surrounding states within 48 hours. She only does work comp, and she does it better than anyone.

My settlement was for 99% permanent disability. 100% would have meant that soc sec could offset 80% of work comp for 5 years (that was the maximum benefit period for w.c. in Kansas), but at 99%, it is pro-rated through my actuarial life (I'm supposed to live until I"m 76 -- God, I hope not), which means soc sec deducts less money over a longer period. My SSDI checks have been more than $200.00 per month more since the settlement than they would have been. If your work comp atty doesn't know about this loophole, find one who does.

Don't pick someone like the "disability experts" who won't let the govt intimidate their clients: Soc Sec screws everyone. That law firm sucks in clients and keeps the easy cases -- the ones they know they can win. They get rid of "problem cases". Like car dealer Cal Worthington, they make their money from volume, not winning every claim.

Work comp and Social Security have been systematically destroyed over the past 25 years, with each change in the law making it harder for claimants to win and removing penalties for ins co's that use every trick in the book to stall until people give up. You need experts in these laws in order to survive.

Anyway, I got an expert, and she got the trial back on track much sooner than I thought possible. Now, pray that it will do something to restore part of my life.

Thank you for being here, my friends...Vic

I Vicc,
Your lawyer sounds really nice and I am sure she will help you.
I hope that everything goes how you want it to.
Sending you prayers and pain free hugs
Allison

Hi Vic..

I just wanted to say good luck on Wednesday bud and send you a warm soft cyber hug.. you deserve this my friend, the chance to live life with less pain is huge and then mabie you can start putting on a pound or two and get a handle on the liver problem too. Ohh I so want you to get some relief so you can look forward to tomorow bud, it is hard to hear of friends in such a bad way medicaly and otherwise.. but don't you dare stop posting when things are bad Vic, we all need to vent and even scream at times and we are here for each other. I consider you a very good friend.. who is going to have a successful trial and pain relief is due your way SOON.

hugz bud healing comforting ones.
Sandra