I have had such a time getting through these holidays due to losing Bill last year. I am blessed to have my daughter and her family and my friends to help me though.

Things just keep hitting me though. I talked to my younger sister yesterday. I wanted to check on her and see how she was. Her 4 year old barn burned 2 weeks ago and killed all of her horses but one so that's been rough on her and it even hit me hard for her.

On top of that she told me that my oldest brother has colon cancer. I have lost 2 sisters and one brother already to cancer so it seems to be the way for each of us to go.

Every year for years has been a challenge for me. On top of what I deal with, it seems that I lose loved ones every year. This year, I had an Aunt and Uncle to die.

I come from a large family. There were 10 of us kids and my Grandmothers were sister-in-laws so both sides of the families were close to each other.

I think this is why I have such a hard time pulling myself up from the depression I have been in for years. So far the VNS is not doing anything for me but I haven't given up on it yet.

I know I have to make a decision on going back home for a visit here soon and I am dreading it. I will go by plane though so that will make it much easier.

I hate sitting still though for that long. My right arm and chest gets to hurting so bad that I can't sit still, that worries me. I can't stay in the hospital long when I have surgeries due to the TOS and RSD on that right side.

Another problem I have, I thought some of you might give me some input on. I want to take Bill's ashes back home to be buried with my Mom and Dad. He was closer to them then his family. They always took his side when we fought. LOL How can I do this. Any thoughts.

I just needed to vent. I am at a loss on how to get through all of this.

Thanks for all of the support from all of you.

Ada