[GJmom]

Does anyone else have issues with their friends that don't have RSD? I am in a bit of a slump because I tripped over some toys my kids had pulled out, so I have been in bed. My best friend comes over and is going on and on about being depressed since school is out, and how all she wants to do is sleep. She goes on and on about it. I am sitting there thinking "really?" Try having a real issue like not being able to walk or get out of bed, not being able to take care of your kids or leave your house. But then I feel bad and think "this is so not fair to her, I am not even trying to understand were she is coming from or what she is going through" But I still can't help but get a little upset at her for the whole thing. Oh then her dog poops on my floor, but since she is asleep and in a bad mood I clean it up. Am I really wrong in my feelings? I invited her over to watch football since she wants to get into it this year. When I ask her if she is enjoying the game this is how it goes...
me- So do you like football?
her- well I don't know whats going on so whatever
me- would you like me to explain it?
her- no

This is how it has been for the last week or so. I am almost to the point of telling her to get over it, but what good would that do? I would just hurt my friendship, and I don't have many friends so I don't want to hurt any friendships I do have.
What do I do? Am I being a really bad friend?

[fmichael]

No, your not being a bad friend. You're just making the most of what you've got, as opposed to mucking up something that's already been delivered to you on a silver platter. And sooner or later everyone gets good at that. (And they're the ones that smart.)

The key is just to keep making opportunities when you can. Sometimes I get frustrated when my entreaties are ignored, but then I just have to pick up and keep on keeping on.



Mike

[mrsD]

From what you are posting, I think your "friend" is not being a friend to YOU.

There is a really good book out there in paperback and not expensive called:

When Friendships Hurt-- By Jan Yaeger.
Check it out at Amazon. I have read and reread this book several times. I get something new from it each time too!

This book is very thorough and really an eye opener. So many people cling to others for various reasons. This subject is quite complex, but we all encounter self centered people who wear us down. When YOU are struggling with pain and health issues, you don't need people around to make you feel worse. Being ill puts alot of strain on friendships, as well.
If you are asking yourself, if you are a good friend, I'd suspect you are one. It is the people who DO NOT ask this question who turn out to be less than supportive to others.

[daniella]

Can you tell your friend how you feel and more on what you are going through? Also how she can help you? A friendship to me is about both of you and at some times one person needs more support then the other. I do feel if you can't be honest about how you feel with her then there is a huge issue and if she gets mad then there is also a huge issue. I can really relate to you because I have friends who suffer with addictions and yes I feel for them but sometimes they are so self absorbed that I lack support through an issue I can't control. Then I have similar feelings as you like they can will themself and I can't. I have lost friends due to this and it is hard but I would rather have two good friends then many cruddy ones. It only makes me feel more alone when I have a person in my life who treats me badly. I will say though others who are not in our situation can not read our minds so it is our job to tell them what we need or what is bothering us. I know that when this first happened I had a hard time opening up but now as I take more risks with that it has gotten easier. You are not a bad friend at all and all feelings you have are valid. Hang in there and you are not alone though I know it can feel that way sometimes.

[screwballpookie]

I agree with everyone else. i have been going through those feelings with my family here lately. My mom and sisters( i have a brother but I don't claim him) and my husband and daughter don't seem to understand what I am going through. I do try to understand my husband since he is a truck driver and my daughter since she just turn 13. She is going through a lot of changes as well. I just don' t know what to do so that I can get them all to understand what I am going through. It is just like they don't care. I guess I can say my older sister is trying to help me in her own way which makes me feel better about the whole situation. She gave me the idea to put a scrapbook together about the rsd and maybe then I would be able to get others to understand what I am going through. So I have just started to collect some info to try and put a scrapbook together. I am willing to try anything to get others to understand what rsd is. If your friend don't want to hear what you have to say then try to put a scrapbook together if you can and if not then think of other ways to get her to understand. If you have to get onto this site and show her what other people are going through then maybe she would be more understanding and sympathetic to you. Anything is worth a try right? I wish you the best with everything you do. I also hope everything works out with your friend. I know what it is like to not have many friends. I might have a couple and one that tries to understand what I am going through. GOOD LUCK!

Sincerely,
Screwballpookie

[erinhermes]

Hello! I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Trust me, I know what you are talking about. I had similar problems with friends and family, and it really hurts! Don't let this person get you down. You are sick and need to take care of yourself, not worry about a self absorbed person who doesn't help you in your time of need............With freinds like that, who needs enemies? I'm not trying to sound mean, but you really need to take care of yourself now. You sound like a very sweet person who has been in the role of caretaker - try and take care of yourself like you have taken care of others. That is NOT selfish, just practical. Trust me, there are nights when I cry b/c I can no longer take care of my family like I used to ( I have Myasthenia Gravis) and it really hurts, but if we don't rest/take care of ourselves, then our chances of remission go waaaaaaaaaaay down. I for one have totally removed "negative" people from my life. I was told in the hospital that I do not need negative people around me for my sake and sanity.......it sounds like you should do the same. You can contact ME anytime @ erinhermes@hotmail.com if you need to talk.......In the meantime, take care of yourself - Erin

[allentgamer]

I dont have many friends either because of this infernal RSD. At first I tried to keep up with them both physically and mentally, but soon learned that I was just slowing most of them down, and did they really care anyways?

They were for the most part totally engrossed in their own selves, and didnt really care too much how they treated me, so it wasnt too long and I wasnt calling them as much. I soon learned that if I didnt make an effort they were pretty much out of my life. I also learned that I felt better not trying to please these self engrossed people, and focused on my family.

At first my family were very concerned with my situation, but soon that turned to indifference as the months and years went by. I found that I was the one that was causing them to react negatively to me. In fact they would try to avoid me at all costs, and when they felt cornered they would let me know how they felt about RSD and me. They mostly considered me a lazy good for nothing. All I wanted was for someone to understand.

That is when I realized that maybe the problem wasnt them so much as it was me. I started paying attention to what I was saying to them every time anyone was around, and realized I was the negative one. Always talking about my aches and pains, how I couldnt do the things I used to.

It soon became apparent to me that I needed a place to go to vent, and complain, and also to connect with those that understood what was going on in my world. The old saying that you wont understand until you walk a mile in others shoes caused me to realize my family really had no idea, and I didnt want them to experience my pain just to find out.

This forum was a life saver in that I could connect with those that understand, just like you have done. I found a place where people truely cared, and I also truely care about them also.

Then I tried real hard to take an interest in what was going on with them...it was a chore because the nagging pain was always trying to take my mind of my mission. It took some time for everyone to realize they didnt have to run everytime they seen me coming LOL.

You really dont need those that sap out your energies, but I do understand needing friends. Maybe cut down the amount of time you spend with these energy zapping friends.

I hope you find some balance with these problems.

[GJmom]

Thank you all so much! I am going to have to be a bit general because I can't type for very long right now, or think past the end of my nose
I have taken the advice, and put some space between this friend and myself. I also decided to stop letting people get that close. She was the first friend I really told about the RSD. I have had a few friends that I have told, its hard to hide a purple limb from people. She is the only person in my life, other then my family, that knew me before I had RSD. My husband did not even know me before I had RSD. I think that might make it a bit hard.

[finz]

I think I disagree a bit from the majority here.

While her temporary melancholy mood does not compare to what you have to deal with everyday, maybe to her it was a big deal. If she is always unfeeling about your pain and disability, that's a different matter and cause for an "ex" friendship........but if she is normally supportive of you and just going through a needy time herself right now, I think it's important to acknowledge that you understand her unhappiness.

If I am upset because my dog just died (just using an example, she's fine !) and I have a friend who lost their child 10 years ago, I think a little sympathy would still be in order for my loss. In the grand scheme of things, I know the loss of a pet does not compare to the loss of a child, but if something happens to my dog, I would be really sad and still "justified" in greiving. If the deaths of the dog and the child happened on the same day, I would never presume to tell my friend, "I know what it's like to lose a loved one", but if they happened some distance apart, I would hope that my friend could still feel sorry for my loss. It doesn't compare to the enormity of hers, but I should be "allowed" to hurt too.

I'm just throwing out another opinion..........not to minimze what you must go through each day, as we all know, chronic pain sux




I hope this is just a temporary self pity party for your friend.......and that she is a good friend the rest of the time.

And.......for the record......I would have woken her up to pick up the dog poop !

[GJmom]

Originally Posted by finz

I think I disagree a bit from the majority here.

While her temporary melancholy mood does not compare to what you have to deal with everyday, maybe to her it was a big deal. If she is always unfeeling about your pain and disability, that's a different matter and cause for an "ex" friendship........but if she is normally supportive of you and just going through a needy time herself right now, I think it's important to acknowledge that you understand her unhappiness.

If I am upset because my dog just died (just using an example, she's fine !) and I have a friend who lost their child 10 years ago, I think a little sympathy would still be in order for my loss. In the grand scheme of things, I know the loss of a pet does not compare to the loss of a child, but if something happens to my dog, I would be really sad and still "justified" in greiving. If the deaths of the dog and the child happened on the same day, I would never presume to tell my friend, "I know what it's like to lose a loved one", but if they happened some distance apart, I would hope that my friend could still feel sorry for my loss. It doesn't compare to the enormity of hers, but I should be "allowed" to hurt too.

I'm just throwing out another opinion..........not to minimze what you must go through each day, as we all know, chronic pain sux




I hope this is just a temporary self pity party for your friend.......and that she is a good friend the rest of the time.

And.......for the record......I would have woken her up to pick up the dog poop !

Thank you, I agree with a lot of what you said. I am really trying to look at things from her point of view. I am just having a hard time thinking back to problems with my mom, or who is dating who.

Thank you all so much! It feels so good to be able to "talk" with people that understand. My husband will try so hard, but he just can't understand.