Hi Lisa,

I had to think about replying to your post; people who don't know me have no idea of what I've posted about this over the past couple of years, others simply couldn't care less, but from replies since I've returned, a few people are genuinely and seriously concerned about me; I have shared many things with them and having gone this far it wouldn't be right to just ignore their feelings about me. Anyway, this is a support forum and you (and my children) are my only supports.

My doc is a neurosurgeon and admits he knows nothing about nutrition. He has, however, arranged phone conferences with two medical nutritionists. My weight loss comes from not eating enough, so for the past year I have concentrated on eating constantly and until I feel uncomfortably overfull almost all the time. This has resulted in a change in loss from 4 to 5 pounds per month to 1 pound, but I can't seem to break that barrier.

There are good reasons for saying I have been depressed my entire life, primarily a teen age mother living near Hollywood during the midst of WWII, who simply ignored me in favor of partying. I was severely malnourashed when my grandparents took custody of me at 10 months old.

It took years before I began to address this depression and my life history clearly reflects this; I dropped out of h.s. with the 2nd lowest GPA in the history of the school (which graduated 1,000 students a year), and joined the Marines with the singular goal of being killed in combat. Since we weren't at war with anyone, I entered a monastery after being discharged; I would simply hide from the world.

I began dealing with my depression when I was 30, and have sought counselling several times when I feel I need help. It is totally impossible to get therapy today, I couldn't endure the pain of traveling to the MHC once a week and can't sit upright for an hour without severe pain, and the MHC has made it clear they will no longer provide any further in-home counseling. My "therapist" is totally incompetent anyway and was no help at all.

While my wife has tried to assault me several times in the past, the last time was 1983, but was always easily restrained and "never laid a glove on me". Physical abuse is not an issue and today she devotes herself to my welfare in every way she can.

My problem is the she began having sex with other men soon after we married, while I did everything I could to pretend nothing was going on, or after she began openly having multiple affairs, pretending it was "just sex" while repressing my true feelings. Three years ago my defenses collapsed and after connecting the dots could no longer pretend her explanations for many things right from the start of our marriage were anything but lies to hide her infidelity. I wish I could just leave her, but I can't. I still care about her.

I have already said there are good reasons for some people decide to end their lives, so if a patient were able to show me such reasons exist I hope I would respect his/her decision. My "therapist", my neuro and some friends here know I plan to end my life before my 65th birthday. It is not my first choice and I continue to look for an alternative, but if I don't find one, the end will come as a blessing.

There are many other issues involved in my decision, but if I can find a way to return to writing about RSD I would find the reason to want to remain alive. Continuing weight loss means I can't meet that goal; I am perceptably weaker today than a month ago.

I certainly would not consider going into huge debt if I find a more serious condition exists, nor would I consider a nursing home. Why do either to try to continue a hopeless and unhappy life. And despite everything my wife has done, it is my reaction that is the real problem; I should get out or get over it, but can't seem to do either.

Things are not quite a bleak as the picture I painted here and in other posts, but I hope to talk about that in a reply to Jose's post on FWs thread about rude people...Vic

Vicc, I hope you didn't think my reply to you was rude...because I did always hate that sometimes my words come across that way when they weren't meant to be. I admit that I DON'T know you that well, because on the old board, though I was registered there for a long time, there was a time I took a much needed "sabbatical" from all the medical crap. After going undiagnosed for 5 years, running from doctor, to specialist, to PT, to test after test, I just wanted to LIVE for a while PRETENDING my life was normal and took a break from it all. My doctor got mad at me for it, but obviously he hadn't been a victim of chronic pain, so he couldn't understand the need I had to "take a break" from the crap it all involved. I was tired of my life revolving around trying to get a diagnosis. So, during that break, I also left the boards for a while, and I've a feeling it's when you began to open up about some of your more personal issues. BUT...the Vicc I remember always wrote about RSD from the medical standpoint, and was very technical, and I recall I always had to ask you "okay...now can you please tell me what this means in words that I can understand?" LOL! cuz admittedly, I can't comprehend all of the medical mumbo jumbo as well as your brilliant mind can (which, of course, leads me to wonder how the heck you could have graduated so low in your class, since you have such a BRILLIANT mind!).

Anyway...I know that NOBODY can stop you from being depressed. And I know you can just "snap out of it." I have a girlfriend who has been married for years to a man who JUST found out he's probably been depressed his entire life. He's actually GLAD he found that out, because he realizes there's a "whole world out there he's never seen." He's getting treatment thru anti-d's as well as counseling. This guy isn't social, cannot make his own decisions, and my girlfriend has wanted for a very very long time to get a divorce as their marriage hasn't really been a marriage, but more of a friendship (they are complete opposites as they've grown in different directions...she's very outgoing, he's very shy....she has gotten her masters degree, he's a mechanic at a chain store and has no desire to get any other certificates...she likes traveling to europe, he likes camping, etc). But, she doesn't feel she CAN divorce, cuz he'd be totally lost. She says he's such a good man, there's nothing bad she can say about him...they've just grown in different directions. So she's very stuck.

Anyway, my reason for that story was to tell you that I understand the "being deprssed your whole life." But the difference is that I see my gf's husband as looking FORWARD to the rest of his life, and you NOT. BUT...otoh, I see WHY you don't. Your future is chronic pain...his is pleasure, and seeing things in a way he has't seen them before. There's a huge difference.

My point in the other post in this thread was't to be rude. I just read such UTTER DISMAY in your posts that I didn't see you "breaking it down into smaller pieces" and trying to see how they all tie in together, and how solving ONE could help solve another. And I'm the type of person who likes to try to "fix things" for people. And I wanted to try to help "fix you." But...i realize I can't. The only one who can is YOU.

In my state, we have resources for homebound individuals. I know you spoke of a "useless counselor" who came to see you...but that was just ONE. Do you think, perhaps, that a different counselor, one who is well versed in the depression caused by chronic pain, would help more? Sometimes you have to go thru quite a few before you find one that you "gel" with. At one of my PT's I had to go thru a counseling session with their therapist, who did counsel me in that way...how CP and mental health all tied together. And you know all that...but you also know that when your thinking hurts, you hurt worse. So I'm sure that's ALSO partof it. When your MIND feels a bit better, so does your body. Not COMPLETELY, BUT MAYBE A LITTLE. So, perhaps a different counselor would help.

I'm so glad your wife treats you better now. But, hon...you are still holding on to the past SO TIGHTLY that it's still affecting you today. It was a LONG time ago that she treated you badly. It's time to let that go. You said she is devoted to taking care of you now...so she IS a source of support, just like we are, right? Or is she????

I just want you better, Vicc. Nobody wants to be in a nursing home, or be broke, or be waiting to off themselves. That's not a good thing to "look forward to." I don't like hearing ppl talk like that because I know first hand what it will do to your family. They will NEVER be the same. No matter what, no matter HOW you try to make them understand, they won't. That's why I told you the story of how my ex's father's suicide affected not only his CHILDREN, but his grandchildren, and even the "extended family" such as the daughter in laws for years and years. And I know you don't want that for your kids, your wife, or your grandkids. And I know you don't want to be known for the man who "gave up" because he couldn't take it anymore. And truly, that's how it will be. Cuz as I said...no matter what, no matter HOW HARD YOU TRY to tell them what you feel, it will still come down to what THEY think, not what you SAID. For YEARS after my ex's father killed himself, nobody would listen to the words in the letter he left. Nobody cared about the reasons in that letter. Instead, they all went off on their own tangents, and blamed each other for his suicide...and the whole family fell apart. It's a terrible thing. it truly is. And the love I hear in your "voice"when you speak of your son and your grandkids is just truly amazing....and I sit here and imagine them "afterwards." And I can't stand it. Cuz I imagine them like I see my ex's family now. And I don't want that to happen to them.

I know I have no "right" to care about how your family feels, or no right to really predict how they may react or anything like that. It's possible it will be completely different, that they WILL understand, and that it won't be like I "see" in my mind. But "personal experience" just gets in the way of my rational thinking here, and overtakes me. And I place that into your situation and it just...well, I don't know. But I don't want that for your family. So instead, I try to help. and I guess I should just shut up, cuz I CAN'T help. And I know that. So I'm just beating my head against the wall.

So....I'm sorry Vicc. I'll just keep my mouth shut. It isn't fair of me to interject my personal experience into this. It isn't fair of me to try to pull you out of this cuz I've also learned from personal experience that a depressed person cannot just "snap out of it" and that they have to want the help and actively seek it out themselves. Nothing anyone says or does is going to change your mind. It's going to be something that you come to yourself. No matter how many bazillion words I type, it still is going to come down to YOU. So...I'll drop it. Just make some promises to yourself, please....to NEVER stop trying to get better. Don't just "give up" on yoruself. At least use this time to TRY to save yourself, and don't jsut sit there and wait until you're 65th bday or whatever date you've chosen. You're too brilliant and kind a man to waste those days. Don't promise me that...but promise YOURSELF that...k?

Again...I'm sorry. You'll still be in my thoughts and prayers

Hi Again Vicc,
I hope these lines find your day full of hope. I am certainly no detective. Just a good guesser.

What wonderful news about your daughter. You must be very proud of her.

I haven't had couseling yet. I have a dear friend from high school that is in the field. I would't mind going to couseling if I could find one very competant.

I had some trauma when I was 16, from a stranger. It took several years to get over it. I considered myself a onion and just needed layers of inner healing done. I had to forgive him so it would't hurt me.

I also had to forgive a drunk driver that killed my sister while she was walking. It was his third DUI. But I realize he was just sick.

Vicc, I really would't know if I suffered from PTSD. I am in 100% agreement this drug needs to be very researched. My life hasn't been violets and roses all the time, but before RSD hit me I loved life. I hope down the road some I can go back to work, if it's only 10 hours a week. I also realize I could not work under anyone's scheldule.

I was able to drive my youngest son to the bus stop this morning. I have to not despise small beginnings.

Hope you have a beautiful day. Hugs, Roz