I don't know how to explain what's going on with me fully. It's the most uncomfortable feeling I've ever felt in my entire life! I feel so stuck because how can one get help or find help when no one really knows what you're going through and you yourself can't explain it?

It's like this odd war going on within myself and it's the strangest feeling of sadness mixed in with anxiety, mixed in with love and compassion, with desire for change, and with total frustration. I can't explain it...I'm really trying because I do want help.

I've posted on a bunch of forums in the hopes of experiencing a sense of belonging or understanding and I haven't really found it. No, I haven't found it. I tried to post positive, uplifting, kind hearted things, but many of the responses were negative ones or harsh ones and I was a little shocked as I thought I was putting out something far more positive than what I got back.

I'm doing this really odd fight with myself and there's like a ball of hatred (a strong word) but at the same time I want to love and give of myself totally and freely and unconditionally as is one's true purpose in this life and I feel like there's a wall between my trueness and all that is untrue and I'm on the wrong side. I don't know how to lift myself out of this funk and I just feel so stuck. I don't know what to do or who to turn to because I feel like I'm fighting with everyone just as I am fighting with myself.

It's so odd! I can't even explain it. I just feel horrible and yet totally responsible for the horribleness that I feel. There's disconnect and disdain and I just...I really want help.