(warning) I will discuss suicide, drugs, alcohol and abuse here (warning).

I wish I knew where to start, but I simply do not know where it all began. I recall even as a child my brother was different in many ways, mainly, he was very angry. I think that he took sibling rivalry to a new level as on several occasions, he sent me to the hospital.

My brother has always been very cruel to my mother, he wouldn't hug her, he showed no bond at all. As time passed, he got into drugs and alcohol and just hanging with the wrong crowd.

Once we were in our late teens, he told me he was sorry, and I did believe him. To this day, I don't know who in our family he loves or trusts, but I know he loves me and has a lot of regrets regarding what he's done to me in our past. He won't tell me why he hates our mom, but I will await the time when he is 'ready'.

I am very concerned about him and I know if things continue this way, he will kill himself. Something deep down tells me he doesn't fear this, and the only thing stopping him is his daughter or he'd have done it.

I think he is mentally ill, and I tried to tell him that but it went over his head. His conversations are so random, and he lies enough that he begins to believe them. And I think he inherited this from my mother, as hard as it is to say.

He's older than I am, but he can't find his way. I found my way by running, I moved as far away as I could have. I don't know where I'd be now if I hadn't left, but where I come from isn't a place people should grow up. Theres lies, and anger, drugs, and alcohol and while it has taken it's toll on me, I know there's another world out there and eventually my time to be content will come, time is all the luck I need. So I will wait.

I don't think my brother can wait, and as time passes his chances to have his own life lower. His criminal record will eventually hold him back from having a job, his low income will keep him in my mothers home - and he needs to be away from it.

I wish I had money to help him, when he has his own things. A home, a good job, and all of that - he is doing well, he seems healthy. He is such an amazing worker, he designs homes, and then builds them. But the people in Ohio just pay him crap under the table, his paychecks have bounced, etc.

All he wants is a small place for he and his little girl and it's like no bones are thrown his way, and he has this feeling he missed his chance to live.

Out of everyone in his life, I am positive I really know him. I've seen him at his best and his worse. I've seen him curl up in a ball and cry, screaming for help to make everything just go away. I feel so helpless because I can't take care of him, I can't even take care of myself sometimes. And it is so hard to carry the weight that my family has built up when it's not my job to do it. It's unhealthy for me to even try, if I am thinking about it.

I guess I just really would like people to pray for him. I'm not much on praying, I have my own religion to put it simply. I'm rather confused about all of it to be honest. I don't want to pray because it would be a selfish prayer, I'd ask for things to make my life easier when I know people need it more than I do.

While I'd like a cure for myself, I'd like my brother to be 'better' before that. I'm afraid to lose him, he's really the only family I have left that I am positive loves me. I don't know what I would do without him.

I plan to try and help him find a good job and see if there are any people willing to give him a decent apartment without ripping into his credit or his background. Hopefully something will fall into place for him. He told me he was depressed, and didn't want to go on anymore.

And I believe him.

Ellie,

My heart goes out to you and your brother. He probably does have some form of mental illness. God knows all about it though. He is the only one who can reach into the human heart and put His love there.

I will be happy to pray for your brother and for you. It is Ok to pray for yourself. God is never too far away or too busy to listen.

Judy

This may sound kind of mushy but if you really can find a way to give some of lifes troubles to God he will come thru - it's a total trust- in your heart kind of thing.

Hard to explain - have you ever read Psalms or Wisdom sections in a Bible?? It's has helped me in times of great stress and troubles.
Not trying to preach or anything like that - i'm more of a non -denominational christian. I don't participate in any organized religion- but it's in my heart.

It does sound like he has some serious issues-
Does he have custody of his daughter??

(((Ellie)))
you know I will be praying

will ttyl

((((hugs & prayers)))) sweety.

He does have issues, but the mental health system there doesn't do much to actually help. He needs to be checked in somewhere. Right now, they have him coming in once a month which just isn't going to work. They also gave him anti-depressants - but didn't address the issue (fact) that he has a problem with drugs (pills). He shouldn't be given pills without supervision.

He does not have custody of his daughter, but does have visitation every weekend (friday-sunday).

I think one day when I can fit it into my schedule of neurologist, epileptologists, neurosurgeons, immunologists, and physical therapists I will go get my own therapy. I'll admit I need it, heh.

ellie...does he have online access? maybe tell him about phych central?

He has access, I know he does since he is 'one of those people' who will call and say, "I shot the monkey and did not win a free laptop". Then I tell him how to uninstall every bit of spyware he put on the computer!

I don't think he would look, he would assume that I 'turned on him' if I even suggested it. He's very fragile right now. It's like my very own glass brother.

Oops, guess monkey wasn't the best example!

Hugs and more hugs Ellie. I will keep him in my prayers (and you too).

Julie