This entire thing is very graphic and many triggers so do not read if that's not your cup of tea today. Thanks.

First, let me say as an intro that I spent yesterday with Christopher and his daughter. We watched movies and such and had a very fun time talking, hugging. laughing, going shopping.... I left his place around 1 p.m. today. This is when all this happened. I had been gone from my family since 12:30 Saturday afternoon and none knew where I was until just a bit ago (10 p.m. Sunday). I wandered around downtown by car and then by foot in a daze, except for talking with someone I saw at Starbucks from judo. Not depressed. Just losing touch with reality. Then I went to a bookstore to read. Then I left there and went downtown- actually downtown was where Starbucks is. Got it backwards. Then went into Border's downtown and looked around.... Still detatched from the world. Reading about bipolar. Many things were clicking for me, yet I still felt detached from the world. I then drove to Mejier (like a super walmart) and wandered aimlessly looking for one item that I had no idea where it was. In a dream. In a daze. Finally I just got home around 10 p.m. but before that I went to the mall. Christopher's car was there at the movies. I did not say hi. I did no leave a note. We did not see each other. (If you remember, I bought a ticket just last Tuesday when he was there with his daughter and he got upset and later said in an email "what if it had been my ex or one of my other friends instead of my daughter?") I just drove home as the mall was closing by then which I hadn't realized. I was going to read. My phone must've rung 10's of times and I just did not answer. Then eventually I made my way to Christopher's for some "grounding" in reality and here is what happened. I wrote him this email, so hopefully you can fill in the gaps. Meijer, btw, has a balcony that goes all the way along most of the length at the front and so this is what I'm referring to.

I'm going to bed but two things before I do.

Sometimes I feel you feel pity for me; I hope this
isn't the case.

When you say "I know how you feel," it is somewhat
comforting (better than you're crazy) but you are not
me. I came for some grounding. Yes- I think too much.
Yes- I probably should be insanely jealous and all
freaked out about you and the movies, but I was not. I
am not.

I came to see you because I was in need of some
serious mental grounding. I was walking along the
balcony at Meijer tonight thinking how neat it would
be to fly down from there. Something said to me
"Don't. You'll make a big mess"- so I didn't. But for
the moment- I really wanted to.

This scares me. I cry because I am scared at my
version of reality and my trust in it. In many things
in my world right now. I barely know my own reality
at times and I do not know yours. I am having a
terrible time dealing with my brain and what is
supposedly bipolar (which is not just being too happy
or depressed) and when I start to lose touch with
reality, I get a) thrilled and b) scared. At the same
time. To me, it is like the world changes from moment
to moment on me and becomes unreality- like anything
could happen. I see things that aren't there and I
fear people will do crazy things just to me- just to
harm me. Strangers or people I know. Sometimes its a
matter of thinking too much, yes, but that is not it.
It is not me thinking too much about you or our emails
the last few days. This has nothing whatsoever to do
with those. This has to do with me feeling sick and
confused and out of touch with reality. I do not want
to hear that you love me or that you know I love you
IF ONLY because it has something to do with "the
future" and all of that. That is so not on my list -
its so secondary or tertiary or whatever... way down
my list- when my basic need is for reality. Grounding.
And unconditional love when I am feeling at my very
worst.

If you want to this to be anything to do with you, how
about this: You're still talking to me. That's way
more than most who haven't seen me close to this like
this. They get tired of me- I wear them out, I guess.

You seemed to want to talk tonight about your car
being at the movies and I don't know why, but I do not
have the mental energy or emotional energy to talk
about what our emails were about the other day. I
know- I brought it up- but you see, I started to try
to get my entire life in order in one day- house, job,
"family".... Ugh. anyway. That's a manic thing and
welp- nevermind for now.

I'm taking two of my pills and jumping into bed. We'll
talk soon, I'm sure.

HUGS

Jennie