To ask her to leave again
How many places am I being pulled
The pain of this kind to relive over and over
is not a life

For Eva to say mommy makes me angry
is not okay

She has taken her belongings
Almighty Father watch over her
as I try to ease my mind
that's just beyond fried
I just want to die
It all hurts so much
Watch over her Father
Watch over her

trust she will find her way Eva...You raised her...she knows right from wrong..it is her journey to make mistakes or not....she knows you love her.

For all my prayers and fixing for my son and wanting to make his life the way I thought it should be.....all I thought as good intentions and prayer....I had no right to interfere with his life lessons....I only prolonged them and made myself miserable. It also gave me an excuse not to be working on myself and my own issues of codependency.

hang in there ...hold the faith
HB

HB,

So very true; enabling him caused you the price of not taking care of yourself. You seemed to have come thru with the codependency lesson.

Was there; done that; learned my daughter had to find her way. Thank God; she is for "today" doing well. I am there for her to bounce things off of; but not unwittingly pushing her away by offering my suggestions. She said she is grateful for that. Expressed this to one of the parents of a boy she has been trying to help. My daughter asked me last week if I would be willing to talk with the mother.


Gerry

Eva,

So sorry you have so much to deal with. Not knowing what to do or say next is so difficult.

Pray you will continue holding on to God Almighty. He is there listening. Sometimes we are so filled with anxiety, it is hard to hear what He is saying.


Gerry

My dear friends

As i only know to well what co dependency can do
to a relationships let alone a whole tiny family
like mine
I have the knowledge as my soberiety comes first
This they see and understand
HB I believe as you so dearly express
They have their own path to live and learn
I "the go to person" not as enabler for they all
understand stepping into anyone else's shoes
is not a way of life
To live life through someone else is not "life"
I can only be functional when my Meds are in my body
with a clear mind of what would my Father have me do
It is even harder having to ask your child to leave when
she "mommy" can't give herself the gift of soberiety
This I know is work in progress
It is myself I have to stay out of my own way at times
so I can emotionally pull myself together
So I can be a functioning parent
And understand having more persons under one roof
will be challenging
The trick here "it" only works when "they" can
and when "they"
have to work at "it"
I understand addiction
it is my first skin
The one we shed everyday
and having not picked up
I know is a "BLESSING" in itself
to have to deal with
my own character defects is a job in itself
rarely I am blessed
For today the obsession for a "DRINK" is lifted
this is my drug of choice
All my doctors know
All
I have the upmost respect for one
who can be calm in a way about things
And I know that is a persons state of mind
A practice if you will
This is something I try and practice everyday
In my bed most of my days know
Having to hold my head up has begun to affect
my chest area
So submitting to this body sucks big time
Submitting to the challenge to deal with additicition
is something I know first hand
Tough love is tough in itself as those who follow my writings
will know what a toll it takes on me
The responses I have received are all welcomed
I cannot be the only one to have such dynamics goings on
And there is a lot of that
I am happy to be blessed to have
the right to become a mother
I so understand they are their own little people
the moment
they came out of me
The privilege is I at some point in my life
was abusive not good i know
I lost my privileges to many even my children
And what persons do not understand
Addiction
in all forms
are a progression in
the hope you get hooked
And I did
I deny nothing that is true
And that doesn't mean my truth
Just the plain truth
So I thank you from the bottom of my
heart your input is received
I am the one who asks and I trust your response to be real
When sharing ones experience strengths and hopes
are BLESSINGS
LOVE HURTS
when your loved ones are in pain in one way of another
and they come to me
I will not say no
It's great to have shoulders to lean on
May I be there for you
Me

What will it take
How is this allowed
I cannot say or do anything
I must stay strong
I have to be subjected to more
heart ache and pain
Physical and mental
The vicious cycle of
Addicition
Why oh why is this process
for her so so difficult
I don't get it
Why can't it be a working on progression
Slowly step by step
I offered her a place to stay until
she can get a routine going
No
What happened she hooked up with
a fellow addict at her job
She has been let go of her job
She has reached the age of my entering AA
a place where you will not be judged
by true fellow addicts
It is a burden for me to take Meds
It is a way of life for myself
A easy target
Govenor of my state concerned about
the fight against prescription drugs and the
abundance of herion use in this area
And we hear about all the "stars" passing
from the misuse of drugs
Why is it so complicated for some to
get sober
I hate
yes I know impeccable with my words
I hate that I am so ill I have to be a slave
to very strong addictive medicines
In school
My child exposed to the drugs I take
is the new street drug

How much more must I have to endure
I had enough already
Will I ever get the chance to live
Walk truely walk again
Just my luck
I would need a miricle
A true miricle

I am not a happy individual
I am lonely
The so called friends dwindled
I am unable to change many things
But can accept the trials and tribulations
To one day be free from having to fight
all the demons away
To be a grandmother oh sweet Brother
thank you for carrying me when I couldn't walk anymore
My anger must subside
I must give over what I cannot handle
I must
Me

i already asked my doc
if i feel this badly
in this dark place
i can't seem to kick its butt
it is more in my life then out
what am i doing to myself
i must follow thru
one way or another
and its killing me
sucks the life out
when i don't get the help i need
i will have a long week
thanks to laziness

WHEN DAMAGE IS DONE

finally
i find my 16 year old
cuts herself
cutting out all the crap
iv'e been telling her father
you need to step up
i need his help to get her
where she needs to go

i am sickened
how all are low libido
input in a place my child is in
eight hours a day five days a week
keeping in contact with all who are responsible
to helping her make it the next four years
exciting and interesting
help when needed
i understand
my child is responsible for her
choices and actions
but i ask you
is that reason to push them in
a cage of looser
no one is a looser
they are troubled
speaking for my child
my personal experience
the logo
"no child left behind"
means nothing
too much trouble helping
the troubled
mental health issues
my daughter does not know
how to displace her anger

BUT I HAD ENOUGH
YESTERDAY WAS IT

there "is" a twelve week program
every Wednesday about a forty minutes
away this is where dad comes in
to drive her and
bring her home

i am disgusted

this was an option
never aware of it
this shows how insignificance
the lack of care to educate me of
the availability
a program she will be addressing all of the issues
at hand including drugs and alcohol and self mutilation
a direct result of not knowing how to displace
or defuse it
it turns out she just got her period
many persons do not understand this and
its affect on a woman's psyche
she as her sister who made me mimma
as i watch her as mom cleans up Her act
this the one my sixteen year old looked up to
and has picked up were the other left

when will mental illness
including a woman's menstrual
cycle

i know what i'm talking about
i i product of what is confirmed
a woman's cycle is a huge factor
nuf said
me

she will be reinstated on my short lived private insurance
April and my Angel is to take the anti-depressant
should i begin and not know what will happen
i called the number behind the Medicare card and asked
what do i do when my primary ends
she said because i'm in the system
to call the first of April and i and my child
will be covered
i'm going to have to call the number again
i'm confused
will the meds be covered
i can't have her start some med that will cause withdrawal
nor myself for that matter
to go into uncharted waters
frighting
the program is helping
but put on the back burner
her dad is on vacation and was her ride
and Father you know
there isn't anyone else
this is not a good thing
needs to be seen by shrink in a month
he's not back till the 12th
e v e r y t h i n g just s u c k s in this
very important situation
and what Father
i'm not to worry for us
leaving ALL up to You
have My Faith be put in Your
hands is what i am not doing
there is always something terrible
is on its way
it's just the way it is
it is what it is
i am to be grateful in everything
i am in it is
what a way to live
with a gray cloud over ones
my shrinks says
"one thing for certain"
no lie
"you just haven't gotten a break"
and
"they need you"
this i know
there is no option
now this new situation
what happens when i loose my insurance
and my job
my livelihood is finite
i will try not to be sad
let me Trust
i rebuke any evil that is
penetrating and invading our life
in Jesus name
come into my heart
be thankful for your family eva

I'm really tired that just because I got the implant put in that people think that I'm cured and look at me like I'm faking when I'm in pain. I can't use the implant all the time. It feels good and all but it's really distracting and I can't focus on what I need to focus on when I'm working.

I'm really tired of my asshole boss his little minion Lew that throws me under the boss any chance he gets and continues to call me a cripple and ***** for sitting down when I need to, just because I'm the youngest in the wood shop, and the other perfectly healthy 40 year old dude can stand all day. WELL GOOD FOR HIM, I WOULD LOVE TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT.

I know that I'm doing pretty well considering the stage of RSD that I'm in. But I'm tired of having to take care of everyone. I have this curse and I still drive my own truck and I still work a 40 hour work week and it ****ing sucks, it's horrible. But I don't have a choice, I have to work. I have to be able to pay the bills and eat. But the main part of it is, is that I'm tired of being the only one in the house hold that's actually responsible. I'm the only one of the three total people in the house that pays bills and buys food. Oh and I'm also again the youngest. 27 year old taking care of a 30 and a 38 year old, who both have full time jobs like me, but **** off bills that keep a roof over their head because they're idiotic selfish human beings.

Mostly I'm just tired of being taken advantage of. I know that I'm too nice and that I do a lot for people. But I do actually like to help people. Like if I give you gas money for taking me somewhere, Don't buy cigarettes with it. That's shitty.

I'm also really scared that I'm going to be alone. And I'm depressed that I'm alone. Because since the surgery I feel pretty good, and a lot more confident at that, but as soon as someone finds out that I have a medical Implant, they're like "**** this dude" god forbid they find out what it's for. I just want the opportunity to be able to spend my life with someone who I can actually believe that they have feelings for me. That would be pretty awesome.

I'm tired that my folks are up my *** about everything I do because they're so right winged republican that it makes my head hurt. Yes mom, I smoke weed. It's pretty cool, it makes my mind slow down and it makes my leg not hurt. Also gives me a pretty descent appetite when I'm in to much pain to eat. I know that I'm asking for it if I'm the one that told them, but they're still dumb, but of course, I still love them.

And I'm tired of being tired all the time. which is one thing that I can do something about here pretty soon.

Good night all and thanks for listening to me *****!