Me and my granddaughter 2014 Mothers Day

Me and baby Eva again having fun on the beach

my happy mothers day plus a picture of all three of my girls on Easter
decided after my morning meeting let's go to the beach
temp in the 80's did it in an hour time
Eva's first time Looooooved it
wants to go back
dear Father don't take me when i'm needed most
we were at the beach destroyed by Sandy
a place they grew up at when at the shore
its's been almost 4 years now sine last time Christy revitalized N.J. shore
i am really out of shape 140 lbs 2 years ago Cancer
at my best at 150
i am 180 lbs could use to loose 20 hoping to with the baby at the pool
made myself an awesome day no traffic home it was great took an hour back
stopped at the diner Mommy works at she is in the middle of my three girls
in the third picture
hope to sleep good tonight
my body is killing me
miss the sand under my feet
Eva Corissa Sara enjoyed their time with me

my daughter
 

Father
Brother
Mother Mary

thank you for another day

Sweet Mother
what was she thinking
it did not resonate
till we got home
on our way down Sareve
turns and asks me
are you okay mom
said yeah why
well it's unlike
you
to
just pick up and do something
like this
are you planning to do something
to yourself
like what i thought
it hits me
she was asking if i was
going to take myself out
i assured her i would never do that
ever
it is something i needed to do
for myself
know one else was fixing on doing
it for me

The baby comes in my room this morning
says
mimma
i loved the beach
it was awesome
she so wanted to go on the adult rides
but oh Mother what a ride
down the shore
to smell the ocean
sea gulls picking up shells
rocks one nicer than the next
i ask her what was the best
she says the water
it was worth i must do more often

Corissa says
i had a great time
but it's so not you to do things
just like that
told her maybe
i should do it
much more often

thank you for yesterday
and will make more of them
Amen

my blood will be taken today
 

Father
Brother
Mother Mary

thank you for another day

today a very important day
my sister i coming to draw my blood
the works will be done
i will hug my new doctor when i see him
he will let me know what the heck is going on
with this body
bring it back to life Father
let this body roar like it did not too long ago
make all well i beg you Father
i have so much to do to help this family
and all that is
is to allow me to be there when needed
Amen
my blessings in my day are to come
my your day be awesome!

Finally
 

Father
Brother
Mother Mary

Thank you for another day

My sis will be here at 11:00
Nervous but ready to find out
what's up
Father let all be well
Please

Prayers
 

Eva, our amazingly strong Eva, you are in my prayers. I pray that today and the coming weekend with your sister and family is peaceful, the stress of having the blood taken and the then expected time period where you all will be awaiting an answer will raise emotions to an all time high. Sadly for us all often when we are under additional emotional stress it seems some of (not all) our loved ones inevitably let us down in some unimaginable way. You will remain in my thoughts until we all hear from you. Be strong and take extra care to be safe in your home over this stressful coming week. You know of what I'm referring to. :hug:

Dear sweet friend
I will heed to the warning
My goodness may my open journal
Help others
As you have me
Blessings in a big way
Father Almighty be with us
at this trying time and the
love and care be my saving
Grace
Many many blessings
Amen

dear Father
 

Father
Brother
Mother Mary

thank you for another day

thy will be done

Father
help me pull the darkness from
my brain
the voice in my head as i write
and find the words
there are times when i am weary
and i fall to tears
each time i cry
i get closer and closer
to you
i wonder why it has been
the way it has been
hope that in the end
your glorious son
Jesus Christ
his mother Mary
to have lived as human
and teach in Spirit
to have been around at the
time your son walked this earth
sent here by you
to save us from ourselves
like when i'm weak in Spirit
i find i Thirst for you
i crave your spirit
i am alone
i wonder will i ever
have the opportunity to love
another human
someone i can count on
someone who will look at me
and not be afraid of my
inner strengths you have given me
let that special someone in my life
my heart is so cold
my blessings i receive daily
i thank you for
my grandchild nor my children
are whom i not speak of
my physical extension
you used my body
honored me with motherhood
to bring your children into this world
i thank you
my love of you is real
my body reacts
my mind reacts
my spirit becomes alive
to keep it going i try
i ask you to help me understand
why i must be alone in all this
why is there not someone to hold
me touch me look into my eyes
and see my soul
to really look into my eyes
and love me for what one will
find
if you look into my eyes

Father
this body weary
a cane to hold me up
as the ability becomes harder
and harder not to fall
my gait is not working well
wishing it were
"drunkin love"
each day i wake i thank you
each night that comes i thank you
my knees and feet hurt so badly last night
all i could do was cry cry cry
what i hope to find out Thursday
is i do not have "metastatic disease"
i beg you Father
squeeze the sickness out of me
and breath in new life of painless
physically that wants to rob me
spiritually
yet i stay connected by the
Grace of God
my dog
to some just a animal
for some
for me
my friend
for me dedication
for a healer
my reason to continue to get the love
would look into my eyes and just know
now where he needs to ultimately be
with my epileptic baby 33
will not bring s child into the world
for all medication she was on
for the amount of time
and just the last of her 10 year depression
and finally got her fire back
is a miracle in itself
to have gone through the what if's
all the surgeries
blessings from our dog
to hold him
to love him
is the closest she will allow herself
it would be to selfish of her she says
to bring a child into this world
with her life
i understand

blessings to our pet
thanking him as a pup
to have given such unconditional
companionship for us humans
i miss him and love him

Father
i have but faith
in YOU
that you did send us
our lord
as we know You are
Lord God
and i thank you
having Blessed us
sins debt free
and that is if
WE believe
as i do
forgive us
as we are sinners
Amen

blessings are all around us
open yourself up
and hold on to It
as long as you can

LOVE to the world
me

Salvation
 

Father
Brother
Mother Mary

Thank you for another day


"He will appear a second time
Apart from sin
But for salvation"
Hebrews 9
Verse 28

I have had a pretty hard day
My child I give a place to lay
her weary body and head
After coming home from work
She picked up after she was done
now I have gotten to the point
She will not destroy and
let a fourth generation
become entangled into a
Total loss

No doubt Little Eva
loves
She stayed up as long as her body
could stand it and fell asleep
finally "waiting up for mommy"
I am a smart loving mother
After her negligent behavior
I waited till this morning calming
asking her
"At what point did you say to yourself
I'm going to pick up?
Just curious
Asking kindly leave out the bull turd
I told her
Do not forget who your talking too
With all the help I have to offer
is first for my grandchild
Who I reminded her
I was saddened to hear pregnant
And after two who did not come into
this world KILLS ME
So to say Christine was in a good self
sufficient young beautiful way was not
the case
And now I am the one appointed one to
care for her
This another crutch of an excuse
I explained you must be sober before ANYTHING
until then to kindly arrange for a place to stay
Eva is who I am thinking of
as she chooses to be incapable of watching her
It took her a half an hour to come from lobby to
19th floor

She just came in the room
Saying there is a room for rent
I said whatever needs to be done

No an easy desion to make but must

Father in this whirlwind of a storm
that doesn't show any let up not
to stay focused
She cannot use any excuse
she tries to come up with

Oh Father
Help her stop
It will be forth generation
And I will try to protect her
Amen
Please
Amen

Results
 

Father
Brother
Mother Mary

Thank you for another day

Father thank you for another

You took the life of evil
From my brain
You squeezed life back into me
All of the markers tested
Including matatastic disease
Is all in normal range
You give me a reason to be
Grossly blessed to have found
a doctor who in the old days
would have made house
calls
And he does to an extent
For the branding of the thought
I this woman removed her breasts
the food supply to my children
used them for its purpose
acted immediately and had them
removed ASAP
my worries
I do not deny
this doctor relieved by not only
have compassion
But
has a son who is in a wheel
chair
rod up and down his back
dosen't help when he cannot
figure out what went wrong
Bless this family
As husband and wife are together
working helping people

Father I believer of the new
start of science with Your blessing Lord God
I Thrive allowing the doctor unbelievable
information

ALL MY MARKERS FOR CANCER OF MY
SPINAL LUMBAR Is ALL ALL IN NORMAL RANGE
AND THE "I Thrive" results confirm
It also told me what kinds of foods I SHOULD
AND SOHULD NOT EAT

Avoiding inflamination
And yes my back inoperable
ARE HUMBLED
AND THANKFUL
GOD THE FATHER HEARD ME
AMEN!

AGAIN
NO NO SIGN OF SECONDARY CANCER

I WILL BE SEEING HIM ON A QUARTERLY
BASIS

as when he said

"Because things could change"
This is the doctor I need in my
duration on this planet

I am blessed
A sinner
Thank you for the
Sacrifice

Also
Had a draw of blood that will allow doctor
If there is any sign of early heart disease
All other blood panel was awesome
As this news runs through my body
"I do not have bone cancer"
Thank you holy Father
Amen

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
 

DEEP SIGH OF RELEIF!!


"Miracles Are Supposed To Happen"
Marianne Williamson



HB

Happy Dance
 

I look a bit odd but who cares, I'm doing the happy dance for you Eva. Blessed Be xxx:hug:

to all
 

Father
Brother
Mother Mary

thank you for another day

all the thanks of the wonderful
persons who grace these pages
this site called neuro talk
was just by accident
but the i don't believe in
accidents
as today i can go about my business
and not have that terrible
thought linger over my head
rather in on branded in this mind
i have dreams of to fulfill
as weary as painful not ruling out
there is pain that runs through
this body
can move along with the ease
i am not being eaten alive
as my prayers answered

to all who hold me up when i cannot
go on give me hope and understanding
pain a symptom something is wrong
don't ignore it
find your way through the politics
that many doctors play
there are some left
blessed in my case
blessed
blessed
so thank you all for
going through this with me
blessed to have this place to come to

To feel your spirit
 

Father
Brother
Mother Mary

Thank you for another day

I have but one wish for all
To have the opportunity
to stop and smell the world
Too be graced by the Father
that our sins are in debt free
as he was crucified by the people
who did not believe
even to them
He prayed for them
Oh Heavenly Father
I we are sinners
I am sorry when I offend thee
I believe you to be the Son and Father
To be Blessed in everyway
I pray my son find it in his heart and soul
how much I love him
Pray he seeks for your wisdom
I miss him dearly
Being astrainged form him hurts
I want to be the best I can be in my
Faith my hope he understands
And find it in his heart to forgive
And allow me in his life

Today we go to the town pool
Lord we love you
Be with us and hold us close
when we reach out to you
I still am receiving your signs
Also know I am doing what is right
In Jesus name
Amen
To all happy holiday
Be safe

Dearest Eva,
 

My daughter, once addicted to cocaine; now working thru the "power of the Holy Spirit", helping and supporting those in need because of addiction; said to me today when I spoke with her; "I place it in God's hands". She says and does this when things are often more than she knows what to do.

Eva, as you know only to well; "place all these things in God's hands".


Gerry

I understand Blessings
 

Father
Brother
Mother Mary

Thank you for another day

My friends you certainly are
And oh so love you for the love
Blessings you send my way
This is true
Who else but the Father
To entrust with the problems
we incur
My dear sister a slave to heroin
My daughter and her addiction
Oh the trials of this tiny family
Sometimes I think it will just die out
Here in the states as All my family is in
Hungary
And I hear there are troubles
This family you blessed me with
Father I thank you for the Love you
bestow on me my daughter bless my
addictive family sobriety
Help them see the path is
in the power of the rooms
It at times is fill with your spirit
Lord hear our prayers

Just to know you care
 

Father
Brother
Mother Mary

Thank you for another day

Blessings to all
On this beautiful sunny day
Or better yet from my granddaughter
"Mimma look, the sun woke up"
May you have a smile on you faces
To be free of evil thoughts
This I say thank you Father
To be free to think of living my
LIFE to the best of my ability
To live a Godly way is a beautiful way
I love the Lord's Prayer
My granddaughter recites it
Was doing it at two she is three now
an even sweeter time
Oh the conversations we have are just precious
Things that her and I share are unbelievable
Trust precious things I know she will remember as an adult
The memories I plant in her little spongy mind of hers
I am loved by her in a indescribable way and the only things
I can say to express it is unconditional safe trusting Holy real
TrueLove
These feelings vs my older children can only be explained like
this
Because time gives a person wisdom and that is what happenes
you now a grandparent have a certain knowledge and wisdom
experience you love just a little more
And oh the rewards
Blessings everyday
Every single day
Glory be to the father
And peace to his people on
earth
All we are saying
Is give peace a chance
My all have a glorious day
Me

Oh the pain woman endure
 

Father
Brother
Mother Mary

Thank you for another day

It is one thing for a woman I
Who can teach her child
How important it is for her to
pay close attention to her body
Because I live by my calendar from
The time my children have been born
Logged everything in it
Point
I can go back month by month when I got
my period the calendars date back to 1980
A habit I am proud to have
Everything is in them
Doctors appointments
Milestones
My calendars
Again point
The last time Christine had
her period was Mother's Day
and she is due to get it by Monday the second
Why do I bring this up you may wonder
Oh sweet Brother
Yesterday was a tough day for
mommy yesterday not because Eva
did anything wrong
But because she suffers
hardcore menses not only physically
but extreme mood swings
Thank you Father the smarts
you bestowed on me throughout my
lifetime I am able to be there
and help her the through it
"It" is a ***ch to have it so bad
Thank you Father allowing me the
opportunity to help not harm
and teach her she is in ovulation mode
She suffers from out of the norm range
hormanal struggles is NOT HER however
she must do her own logging in her own
information
Be responsible for herself and her hormones
I don't want to hear it anymore
Hallalula

spending day with sister
 

Father
Brother
Mother Mary

thank you for another day

i am up early today pain as usual
in usual places
will be at the pool today
baby all excited
a gorgeous day it is
will bring my sister
as she could use a day out
she has a plate full of horrible
things going on

my daughter and granddaughter
ready for a fun day
blessings to be had

to all may your day be
with someone you love
have a wonderful day
me

day at mommy's job
just before the chicken and fries
she had a bowl of Yankee bean soup
had a good time
Corissa taking picture
mommy waiting tables

Sunday and sis
 

Father
Brother
Mother Mary

thank you for another day

she had a great time
my nephew stayed home
he is a year older almost to date
by two weeks
she is in love with an addict
introduced her to a cheaper
way to pain relief
only she has crossed the line
and is trying to clean up her
body
he does not live home with her
and my nephew
my brother-in-law is living there
to allow my nephew to maintain
a high cost for schooling him
something i hope he will appreciate
he maintains honor status for a all boy
reputable school

my sister is two years younger than
myself
had her left palm to wrist on left arm
fused reason for pulverized bones in hand
idiopathic
WHAT
degenerative bone disease
she know has a plate in that hand and wrist
she tells me all the time
working in NYC
if someone should try to assault her
she could knock them out with her wrist
alone
and also had lower lumbar surgery
microscopically rods and all
she was cut in the front
and entered in back with the rods
she is a success story
it was so good to see her play
with my granddaughter
i can't wait for her to become
a grandma
as much as i wish she could
clean up from all of it
her husband who moved in with
enabling mother
and he has a great job
a union still taken seriously
gone because he is ill with a second liver
a alcoholic and heroin addict
dad where are you when your family needs
you most
how ****ing bad was it
i remember so many factors
i remember as clear as crystals
why did you abandon us
you left us for the wolves
a parent who was selfish
and didn't have a clue
at one point my sister turned
to me at the pool sitting on the edge
our feet in knee high
admiring two women
may they have been sisters
or long time friend
"look eva,
that's going to be us"
i wanted to say
we are already there
i am so glad she had a blast
we are such a small family
sometimes i wonder if it will
die out here in the USA
as all my family is in Hungary

so

happy to have given her a good day
we made it into the water
and continue our conversation
and when playing with baby Eva
precious
AMEN!
blessed a good day with
with hopes to do it again
thy will be done
AMEN!

wishing all a blessed day!

A rainy day
 

Father
Brother
Mother Mary

Thank you for another day

Went to the pain doctor
Was asked as he points and quickly
looks at them and says
So when will you be getting a scan
of the balloons
I told him my oncologist is seen
every three months
I don't get it
When I have to see him every month
To manage this monster pain that has
engulfed this worn body
My tears as this flows with all
the other folks out there with this
invisible monster that live and
has a life of its own
"It" has a heartbeat of its own
I feel the electrical surges go through
me like a knife
My lumbar takes the cake
It is not a happy place to be
when the throb is not in sync with
another area of the body
To remember that I'm still here
I have so much to give
Yet in a freeze on days like today
My hands throb
To have my pain wake me from sleep
Oh Father
I read so many stories
Bring us peace in our day
I will carry my cross until I
cannot any longer
Allow me the strength of mind to
be the best I can under these crappy
situations that come this way
I rebuke all evil
I am your child dear Father
As my children go through life
let them come to you in despair
May we all get a break from this
PAIN I call a monster
In Jesus name
Amen!

Just keep pushing me
 

Dear Father
Brother
Mother Mary

Thank you for another day

My daughter is just driving me nuts
Bad enough having to go through my changes
I have to listen to her upset ways when the baby
sees her aunt Corissa her exact words were
"she interrupted quality time by the baby becoming
rambunctious"
And I said
and so
Did that give her reason to slam the doors
Absolutely NOT NOT
and yet this is how she is behaving now
yesterday evening she had somewhere to go
said she will be home 9:30 well 12:30 she strolls in
Now I ask anyone
What I already know
told her find a place to stay
she cannot behave like she does
PMS ADDICTION POOR BEHAVIOR
all not to be the reason you treat me
her mother like turd
I'm appalled she is so angry I
have custody
It really bothers her that my youngest
child
Eva's aunt disrupts her child when leaving my room
As the room of Corissa was given to her and little Eva
Father I beg you
Hell her help herself
This is becoming overwhelming unnecessary and unhealthy
I'm sick of it
It's a vicious cycle
And she needs help
help that she knows needs
to be done
She forgets this is all the way it is because of her
HER HER HER NONE OTHER BUT HERSELF
it's nuts Father
Father calm her
Let her go to work
And not go out to get high
I beg you
In Jesus name
I believe
Help her Father
In thanks and praise

Eva,
 

Prayers for you and your family continue. Hang in there. You are so needed.


Gerry

While playing with her
 

Dear Father
Brother
Mother Mary

Holding on
Is all I can do
I constant dialogue with you
The Amighty
I was in bed most of the day yesterday
My head and neck not forgiving
My upper back mostly right side
And I push through
Saturday I forgot to take afternoon Meds
And that when this pain took over
I had so much fun watching my granddaughter
and Saraeve play
Brought tears to my eyes
as Saraeve will not be able to have children
due to all the medicines
So mommy rang the bell be back in a few
To my friends thank you for the support
Love
Me

so it's me
she left for work
and my family is settling down a bit
oh how the male population think "it"
be something i can control
expect me to be the old me was
something
that would never come to life
always hoping i had a chance to be the glue that
holds all of us together
this i try even faking it
but i fail sometimes and breakdown
they understand and help in return
mom went to work
we will pray all will be good for her
we will do what we can
Amen!

why do i feel like this
 

Father
Mother
Mother Mary

i have such a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach
it takes over my whole being
it is dark
it doesn't feel good
it has always been in my life
it comes and takes over
it is hurtful
it is powerful
it won't leave me
it hurts
it hurts so hard
it takes the joy of life from me
it brings on tears like no other
it does not want me to have simple joys of life

i go through the motions
i fake it hoping it will catch on
nothing
this is no life for me
this is not happiness
this is real
this is not something i wish for
but it is there lurking through me

there are far more down then ups
in this family
my negativity is something new to me
i am not used to it
it makes me feel i do not belong here
it pushes and pushes it way through

my depressions are born watching my family struggle
all life had in store for me was and still is my own head
i let things get to me
not intentionally
much of it comes to me
asking for my help
and i'm just so tired
of what you may think
tired of the work it takes to get through the day
to want to live
this evil that lurks
and wants my soul
NEVER
NEVER
NEVER will i give my soul to the devil
this too shall pass
i pray sooner than later
tomorrow we go as a family to the pool
my sister eldest daughter and her hubby
little Eva Corissa weather is suppose to be awesome
i pray for this to pass
in Jesus i trust
Amen!

A strong hold
 

Father
Brother
Mother

Oh for this hopeless feeling pass
There is a terrible hold
My feelings a number of
NEGITIVE factors
My well being affecting my mind
Ripping away at this soul
I stay close to you Father
Brother hold me tight
Mother give me your strength
There is reality still to settle in
The thaught of not being a productive
human out in the workforce and even though
I have put in my time
you get that one Father
as you were there all my life
Why must I suffer depression
at this point in life
why must it be so overwhelming
and out of coping skills
I talk with my shrink
This week will be interesting
he just listens and confirms
"no an easy life Eva"
No turd
get this out of me
I don't want it anywhere near it
It consumes to much of my life
Strips me of happiness
I hate being restricted
I hate having to take Meds
I hate my depression because of it
I hate that my family suffers
I hate that evil has such a hold
I hate the people who hurt me
I hate the hospitals
I have no trust in the human anymore
I have given of myself in ways that gone
above and beyond anything to help my
family
I hate the misconduct of anyone disrespectful
towards anyone who was just there for you in
everyway
There a blessings among us at all times
It is the evil that robs it from you
To fight this ruthless dare I say cancer
It is powerful and I must overcome this feeling
Of hopelessness
It isn't
It is this rat that keeps stealing the day
Let it shine in my heart
Let me kick this thing in its ***
Let me be that take charge everyday
every moment
Let me not loose it
I know my plate is full
I also know one situation at a time
This to I know will ease up a bit
Never discouraging my baby
Taught them the stars are theirs
I need to practice this myself
I have never experienced what I did
two days ago
"It" is slowly lifting
Hope not to be visited
by it sometime soon
Me

Eva,

I so understand your feelings. I have suffered from depression most of my childhood. After birth of children; especially the third; I learned years afterwards from a new doctor that I must have suffered very severe Post Partum Depression. Through the Grace of God, I slowly climbed out of that "dark hole". But once experienced; it is always there waiting to claim it's hold on you. It is a lifetime battle. Eventually I learned to avoid many of the signs that would try to claim me.

I pray daily to the Holy Spirit to grant me the Grace, Strength, Courage and willingness to cope and accept what God permits to happen to me. And to Guard, Strengthen, Spare me from Despair, Despondency, Depression, Hopelessness, Fear and Anxiety; filling me with love enthusiasm for God, for my Faith and my life.

The awful pain we are dealing with makes us an easy target for depression. Knowing God is walking this walk with me gets me thru each day. I pray for all of us who are dealing daily with this battle.

This will pass and the bright times will reappear.


Gerry

Depression
 

Gerry and Eva - I too, know this demon of depression well, as I think most of us dealing with chronic pain do.

Gerry, what you said about relying on God really resonated with me. I have always taken such comfort in knowing that before God allows ANYTHING - good or bad - to touch my life, that He has first held it in His hands. And in doing so, He has felt every bit of pain, happiness, sorrow, joy, sadness - He has felt it all before I feel it. That means that when it does touch my life - whatever it is, good or bad - it is covered by His fingerprints.

The fact that He still allows it to touch my life gives me strength - because I know He wants to use whatever situation to either teach me something, to strengthen my faith, or to allow me to use my experience to somehow be a blessing and an encouragement to someone else.

I think I would just crumble into a broken pile of dust if I didn't have the assurance that He brings everything into my life for a reason.

I am so blessed by the two of you and the transparency with which you share your experiences - y'all are truly an encouragement to me!

=Becky

dear ladies
 

from both
the wisdom
the experience
you both share
strengthen me
in our Almighty
as we understand
all as it is suppose
to
be
i so love you for caring and sharing
be well
God bless us all

pull up
 

hey Eva....hang on to that glimmer of Light you see....pull yourself out....

there was a trigger to it...my depression episodes lay in wait for a "sad" moment ...I put up my guard when I encounter just normal sad things in life. I have learned how to nurture my spirit with my garden or the pool,

Think about the triggers and how to prevent them if you can.
I understand how hard it is to put ourselves first...so foreign as we (you and I) take care of others first...this is my greatest life lesson....to put myself first.

Right here when you need support.
HB
(said the codependent who is laughing out loud at herself)

Becky,

I pray your surgery will be successful and the God given strength to cope with your recovery.

Your understanding of what I felt inspired to write today truly touched me. You confirmed everything so beautifully.


Gerry

Thank you
I love you
Me
Everything I need to hear

Amen
 

Because you know
In this confirmation of
Women empowering other Women
Stand in the Spirit
As you so beautifully
reminded me
Your Spirit filled heart
a priceless gift
Me

and the beat goes on
 

Father
Brother
Mother Mary

thank you for another day

blessings to all
especially those who suffer
pain in all forms

it was an uneasy night
all areas from groin hip knee feet
hands beat with a pain as if i had
an on and off button
and someone is messing with me
it wakes me as it cannot be worked out
deep in my joints
my surgery site is always an issue
just cannot believe all this time gone by
and no getting better
i hear from my sister
my birth mother has RA
she was receiving some form of iv treatment
was told it will stop as it does not help
i understand she too is in some terrible pain
both myself and my sister are ruled out having
RA
degenerative bone disease
we all suffer from
my two sisters have grown in the sane area
since coming into the USA I was 5 years old my sister 3
my last sister born here in the USA
WE ALL STAYED what most people around the world know as the Tri-State area
only i am across the river Lincoln Tunnel 5 minutes
to the City that never sleeps
only on this side of the river
all along Newark, Bayonne, Elizabeth, Linden
and so many other cities with towering smokestacks
eliminating who knows what over the years living
along the strip known as cancer alley of longshoremen and then 911 only God knows the elements of irresponsible factory working people only to die by the hands of illegal dumping in our waters air soil and now we are concerned those who prospered in ways that in the end killed their workers
i detect a little resentment EVA
you got it
Father Blessings to all the immigrants who entered
this country in the hopes of free dreaming
when my parents became citizens my father was sad
sad to see the fast world back in the late 60's 70' my years as a young girl going to school not understanding anything
just me and my sister
my father always tried not for us to be Americanized
it made him sad to see how greedy impolite unfair to a man disable
oh it was prevalent in my home town
and things are not much different
it is where i can call my boss on his turd
politics hate to love it
soooooooooooo much corruption
sooooooooooooo much greed
all i want is to get back on the saddle
it just hurts to much
my town knows me well enough
in the municipal clan
what i stand for
this a life long accomplishment
and to have reached a point when
life is exciting and i am stuck
stuck in a body that cannot sit in a chair
no more than a half hour
and i need to get up
while in up position
maybe another half hour before i need
to lie down on my left side fetal position
and it hasn't gotten any better in any way
my head still how i would love to take it off
for it's to heavy to have on my shoulders
my bodily functions are harder and worse
as the days go by
i hear myself for the thousandth time
it is just sometimes i can't believe i thought it was a stiff neck
and all the others put in the basket of good old fashion body
aging
for my young mind be trapped in this compromised body
and know i would have had a better chance if i hadn't suffered
the immediate inability to drain properly and it undo whatever
he did was damaged by the gross swell and he knows it
oh does he know it
if i had more time to heal after my first fusion and NOT return back in the two weeks might i have fused
unfortunately that was not my case
i still have it on the burner
hoping someone would be willing to fight a well prepared
file to show so many erroneous statements
including my sexual violation

Father how do i get up every single day
what was put upon me

Father i know sending him "the picture"
of yet another hematoma as i was drained and
released the following morning for it to grow over
two nights called him told him i took a "picture" so i could see it
my children rushed me to the hospital
not a word out of his mouth
just drained, drained, drained and drained
sent me on my way
my daughter with me the whole time

Father how when it is still so clear in my mind
when i wake up in pain wench on and on and
go on my meds given from the very beginning
as more evolved out of this and i decline
those who follow understand

this is something i speak with my therapist
it to a affirmation
i am sane
i am not of the norm
i have a different hope
that people are who they are
and for him to say to me still to date
"eva are you surprised (he refer to the mean spirited people)
and i say yes
and i still am the same
give benefit of doubt
i still await someone to hear from
someone i took into my life as a true sister
the chances of the parallel down to our nationality
mothers best friends names the same
very much no other explanation to it but FAITH in DIVINE INTERVENTION and yet to hear from her since her last visit a
month ago
she stayed the week that couldn't have been more chaotic

my daughter picked up two days before she came
certainly not something you want to have going on
while having company

so needed her

faith she is doing well
as she suffered a brain bleed
and has come along wonderfully

i am tired of waking up
feeling worn out and physically
distraught
having to pump up myself everyday

Father i ask as i go through this physical torment
that you grant me freedom of anger
i pray you rip it from my brain heart being all together
it has no room anymore things are as they are to be
and that's me understanding logically
i have no shame in my hopeful attempt
but because my family needed help i felt sure
i would not experienced what my son did and still no
restitution twice
had no chance for a third
and life still had to go on
with a heavy heart
it takes on the world

help me Father in my Blessings
keep my family from falling apart
i trust and believe
it is
thy will be done
Amen!
help me with Corissa
in Jesus name
help her
Amen

Blessings
 

Father
Brother
Mother Mary

Thank you for another day

For all who need MM to help with all the coverage
it has now come to the forefront
For the babies who suffer seizures over a hundred a
day to the cancer patients for the relief of some nerve
related issues
New York has made it legal to have MM to those who need
IT
It will be a 7 year "pilot"
It cannot be smoked
To eat it or the idea such as the E cigarette

Father I know this to be a blessings to many
Such as my daughter her doctor in NYC
Here in Jersey hoping Chris jumps on board

I do believe if not careful depending on the individual
and their genetic make up concerning addictive personality
could be a gateway to other drugs including alcohol

And this when used recreationally

NOT MEDICALLY
Where it is so much needed

Good going Governor Cuomo

It is my wish that this plant be used as it too was given
by our creator
In Jesus Christ I trust
Our brother Jesus
Oh to be touched by you
Father to know you are in my being
that evil does not prevail
that my children grow with you in their heart

To the wonderful place I can come to
and share my experience strength and hope

May we all empower each other
with information that is priceless

Thank you
Me

just found this picture of the whole family my 3 daughters and my son and my granddaughter taken on Christmas

now you understand why i cry over my dog
this is my dog with sara eve