oh my dear friend
so much so much pain keeping the faith can't stop wondering why such misery why this feeling of doom and i wake every day praying to the Father please release me from this pain so much taken it hurts so badly so badly no option i have to keep going little Eva needs me as do my children my youngest needs to go to NA meetings oh the sadness me |
sweet Mother Mary
as a mother
help me strengthen my heart as a mother help me protect and let them see as a mother help me understand how to live when your children are suffering as a mother who suffered ultimate pain guide my bless me with your strength in your Sons name Jesus bless this family with hope Love is unconditional may i do right and not harm i trust in You Brother me peace to all amen |
touched by an Angel
Dear Father
this evening I was touched by an Angel to have a net of compassion love hope and Faith through the suffering and just like that blessings in a big way paying it forward may you not fall but instead have the wings necessary to fly and if you just might be afraid an Angel may appear and fly with you till you feel safe i was touched by an Angel God blessed me with an Angel me |
Not giving in
She has caused to much heart ache
And continues to do so She calls as if nothing She has nothing to say I have a place to put my head down Tonight I cannot have her here Maybe tomorrow Tomorrow This I am juggling Whether I like it or not Two who are cursed with ADDICTION DEPRESSION NO ACCOMPLISHMENT IN LIFE NO DIRECTION BAM YOUR IN IT WHAT AM I TO DO Pray pray pray pray pray That all be okay in the end Me |
:hug: for you eva
|
Will work to learn how to work it
Thank you Lara
I had no idea I am not gadget smart But I must learn Something I did not know about afraid to venture into unchartered waters Apologies Me |
Dear eva,
I'm not 100% sure, but I wonder which gadgets you need to learn. I hope you didn't think I posted those links at the bottom of my post for you. They're just in my signature so that when I help people in the New Member's Forum, they may get some help from them. I was simply sending you a huge hug because I care and don't like to see you in so much pain. I'll leave off the signature file when I post this and you'll see the difference. |
May you be BLESSED
Especially conscious of dear friend Eva, lifting up prayer for BLESSINGS this rainy day in Colorado.
Love, Mark56 |
on this somber day
blessings to all who suffered
a horrible death blessings to those who still suffer the massive loss of a true melting pot blessings to those who are lifting me that carries a heavy heart blessings to all those who suffer depression it is a place of darkness i wish on no one not wanting to bring my pain in a constant beat of physical pain so comes the beat of spiritual suffering my dear dear friends to be at this Time of my life lived my life expectancy half a century with a cross that has gotten heavier and heavier until my physical state has begun to break down at what should have been a peek time so they say my dear Father with no option but to move forward as hard as it is still typing with my pencil and letter by letter laying on my left side am compelled to write today to be reminded today that is very clear in these eyes living where i do oh what a horrible day had my first panic attack it was a late fall day with a orange huge in the air i thaught we were attacked bomb hit just waiting for the wind of fire i have morbid thoughts every once in a while since then even in my dreams Father help me in this difficult time as only You know my heart my Love abundant my pain and sorrow trumps oh bless us all keep my children safe i miss my dog me |
sweet Mother
my heart in such turmoil a sane person i am today a taste of what the season has in store for this body blessed to still have a car in a couple of years will be needed to be driven today there is no option in bed when i was up early again my body to follow to pray you give me comfort of the emotional support needed to go on my heart muscle has been acting up when on my left side i feel the irregular rhythm sometimes the feeling is up my neck pretty intense at times the summer gone bye bye in a heartbeat not a very good one at that need to get some kind of motivation would be wonderful if i could be involved in yoga classes to help strengthen important muscles it help with balance something i suffer with and must be careful most projects are done on the floor and to ave my mind not well makes it that much harder this morning i was on the floor tending to the garbage it was the only way and then to get up help from my kid i couldn't get up it hurt all over and then i began to think i'm still young i'm so afraid of getting old with this horrible monster pain help me be a better mother and look at the brighter things that are pure joy and most times it comes from my family my children and most certainly my granddaughter may today be bright for anyone who feel beaten down and feel they have no way out it's so lonely me |
to the doctors
Father
guide me in the right road lift me in Spirit Blessed i am thank you Father for the things i forget about my Love for you is real thank you for my family extended included i shall spread your love while in your world for those i come in contact with help me with my daughter Corissa she is on a rough road it is not acceptable her social media is all filth i don't understand this is not how she was raised she is NOT completely truthful this is a problem it is such a difficult problem it tells me so much pray for her help me with her dear Father Brother i trust you angles come and help in my brothers name Jesus may all go well at doctors |
sorry about the problems with your daughter Eva. I wish you well and don't like to see people on this board hurting, and you are an especially good person.
I want to be thankful for the blessings I have but I am such a cup half empty kind of guy. and selfish. But thank you for Dawn and mother and others and that I can still walk and talk. |
it has been a while
Father
Brother Mother Mary thank you for your Love things to be grateful for blessings awaiting Father in control My days in and days out routine happiness just peeking out every once in a while cannot say Eva is not my light as Corissa is Hope God fill her heart rearing Corissa in this fast evil riddled streets it is hard for her to see who is real or who is ready to turn her on to drugs drugs now has touched everyone of my family from a prim and proper mother who i hear is nodding at the breakfast table her divorced husband who lives with her permanently is at odds with her and her habit forming place in her life she certainly Suffers Physical Pain but has also become abusive with them so with help from doctor removed some meds from her this information from my youngest sister and my last conversation she had with me and i told her then she did not sound well now i have Corissa to help and get help for her my daughter and the my thirty year old daughter making me a mimma more like mommy she has begun to get used to the way things are set up by the courts and my concerns she would have been a child of the state how oh how could i let that happen i can't i didn't and now has become to be more and more my child mommy and daddy come twice a week i get bread ready for her put in her back pack (kenyér) bread to feed the (kacsa) duck in Hungarian she is learning the language and has the tongue for it it is the hardest language to learn today is hot and cold soup yes she gives me purpose to go on i am raising her with the help of Corissa |
staying focused
Father
Brother Mother Mary show me the truth grant me some help with the winter some happiness in this crazy crazy family i love beyond death comes to me happiness mean everything in a healthy body taking for granted or plain not knowing what we do to our bodies at a young age a workhorse i was my reward love or what i thought was love grateful to be a mommy a mentor someone to trust the love of God getting up as i do as only God knows is a accomplishment and then what the day has to offer it always comes from both ends oh Lord how many times did i miss the boat as it always revolved my children they know they know God giving me my last child a time in my life when all was happening a home as deli sobriety but i had been gifted as much as i said i'll never get the opportunity to be a mother again i got what i wished for with many adversities blessings she is and here is Eva how many circles blessings she is happy thus far hope me |
as You rule
Father
my dear Brother Mother Mary we start with a new beginning a new road an adventurer into uncharted waters all on the same reason for this road is for a falling family member my youngest daughter who found self mutilation was a way to displace her anger in addition too all this i have Eva it is not easy Father i do not want her to see me in so much pain she accompanied me with her assessment to my internist and it went something like this "my mimma's back hurts and her neck and her feet and her hands and her butt she combs my hair like a princess oh and her hip hurts you'll take care of my mimma i love her" oh the circle of life grant us healing the meaning of family the Hope i have for us in Jesus name |
Help her understand
Immediately upon meeting with the director of the facility
and expressing to her the obsession with her phone it was immediately taken away Father Brother Mother Mary I have to be the one who is the bad guy How when she is ovulating and how badly her PMS is How it was observed as important information How much more do I endure being the bad guy How do I move forward when I have all this pent up anger with my children Am I not a human with the same needs and wants Maybe a little recognition at what was sacrificed they are adults in all thirty and up I am still around for them Not to be a punching bag A little love would feel nice Thank you for the blessings given in advance And to all a blessing in your day Amen Me |
the feeling so strong
i would like to get up one day
sooner then later with a smile in my heart and it show on my face Father i feel so confused so helpless i knew things were coming to a head with my sixteen year old to have a child be so angry to have done poorly in school where are the adults who are what i would hope qualified to see a child in need of help what the school does is concentrate on the students that are not in anyway having a hard time and those who are troubled in anyway are left in the dust there is something very WRONG with this struggle struggle struggle just a little lift of this unhappy feeling for them and me i wake up from sleep with physical and cry myself to sleep happiness is a state of mind i miss my thanks to blessings You give and i may be very blind to amen me |
Hi Eva
Can't tell you how many boats we all miss. You are doing great under the circumstances you have. I read all your posts. Just have been busy with house showings. Many so far, and a few bites. Things are looking up and my arm after lots of therapy is better.
YOu are still in my prayers and so is your family. No matter where I wind up at, I will keep in touch with you. ginnie |
there is so much internal pain
Father
my disease is something that my family suffers from my mental state in check as sobriety is first with the Love of my family i have from my program i am lost in the generation m sixteen year lives in there is a term for the time period we are in "a millennium child" children born into the social media that is a way of life the lack of understanding for example the cell phone the internet a new way of life and i cannot understand the rude defiant, angry, hatred in her eyes this new beginning starts off in a terrible argument over the pants her "father" purchased for her for the gym at the facility she is getting help with her adversities Father allowing her to wear the yoga pants to school was not going to happen i went through two years of heartache the constant phone calls from school she is not dressed in uniform as she was returning back to school this year i was promised no problems and she goes to school this morning with utter hatred in her eyes while i was on the phone with her father letting him know what was going on she left without a kiss and love you mom i am weak and the added stress is killing me slowly what else other than pray i have seen her more than half way i am lost i feel i am loosing her slowly the pressure is overwhelming tiring her father just called conversation was brief my head wants to explode literally from the headache coffee isn't cutting it i just want to scream oh Father i just want to scream my body is broken my mind i am loosing my Spirit broken hanging on with my Faith blessings i thank you for me |
The more you give the more she will take
Eva you do everything and more for your children and I suspect sadly they have come to expect and dare I say rely on you to give your all and more. This I wonder, really wonder if this is what gives your youngest strength and ammunition to continue to rebel and deliver to you what she thinks is the ultimate "so there". Maybe you could join her, just hang out with her and behave as she does, don't make a big thing about it, just do it. Take a break from yourself, give your body and mind a holiday from your usual pattern of behaviours and thoughts. I don't mean abandon her or all that you have striven for, just let her experience a sliver of life without your parental input, you have little to lose my dear.
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Quote:
Eva, Can't help but wonder if the communication with her dad really helps or does your talking with him about her only work to move her even further away from you. Please let her know I really do care about her and know she can, if she wants, have a wonderful life ahead for herself. Gerry |
Quote:
This is Corissa and my mom showed me what you just wrote and the relationship with my father isn't very good he barley knows anything about me but he works and yes financially he gets me things like the phone and my pants as far as my father i don't even look at him as like a parent because my respect for him isn't all there the reason my mom gets the looks is because she is the only one here and honestly I'm not a morning person but I know I have a attitude and I'm working on it Thank you for being there for my mom Hope all is well Corissa |
Quote:
Corissa, you have shown a great deal of maturity. You are so fortunate to have your Mom's love. She has and will always be there for you. Believe in yourself Corissa; you are very "special. Gerry |
Quote:
my thanks to you she responded that's my hope dearest friend in the bigger picture her dad had no clue she was going to use them for school the ones i purchased for her in the last two years were long gone therefor not a problem her phone i want her to be at a healthy place with it know proper etiquette certainly no inappropriate photos and conversation it is my job to help her see this not anything to do with dad that morning i was not going to be the bad guy no escaping that but wanted it not to be hearsay she was not ever going to use her father like putting us up against each other via Corissa's fully aware what she was doing and i wasn't having it i'm hoping this will be another way of getting to really know him she decides what kind of relationship she wants with him Gerry i very much do Understand your very important valid concern and you input taken well means much more than you'll ever know you care about my Corissa what a wonderful thing keeping you close to heart may your well wishes come back ten fold with love my dear friend you have been and continue to be instrumental in my life many thanks God Bless You and your Family me |
feeling less than
Father
Brother Mother Mary i have come to the time i must accept it is what it is no returning to work ever my medical insurance will terminate as i am not able so hes puts it (mayor) i cannot approve a fourth leave with the intent to return to work one day as it has been one to many days out i have never felt the emptiness this hollow feeling of not having work a productive part of society a purpose and now what |
forcing myself
Father
you know my intent to get the decorations out our tradition getting out the original ornaments my daughter and her husband will do the job Eva and Corissa will be surprised this will make me very happy my body in pain as the weather is just attacking it it kills today and yesterday rain cold monster pain but i must make it happen slowly she says all have a beautiful Blessed day me |
getting ready
Father
allow us to get this home in happy holiday Spirit Saturday Amen blessings |
Quote:
Eva, I have had to lessen decorations; it is easier to put up; but so much harder to take down and put away. But; the most important decoration I do make sure to put out is the crib with Baby Jesus, Mary and Joseph. It is surprising how just a few decorations here and there can still make a beautiful Christmas. Maybe less can be more in your case as well. Pray you and your family will see the beauty in your surroundings during Christmas time.:smileypray::smileypray: Gerry |
Quote:
you read my mind i thought the same thanks for caring and sharing lots of Love blessings you way me |
blessings
a happy Thanksgiving
to all love me |
What a spread my daughter...
Father
As only you know It was such a cluster fudge Babies mother went off and left in a horrible way My son gets wind he decides not to show up with his boyfriend Should I have expected any differently Yes I have my grandchild and other family who expected happiness Ohh how sad Job I guess well done They were happy Blessings hurting Me |
Father
i have no clue what your plan is for me
i come to You with everything and I thank You despite the hard trials i have come to understand much and it is minuscule to what my Brother had to endure i try to muster up the strength to move forward a daughter who should be a mother to her daughter not her her and her and all the after effects fall on my door step Father i never imagined this would have been such a difficult choice i have watched my granddaughter whenever needed that has been four years just from pregnancy time i have been on this road with her since seventh grade You know what my road has been like thus far it was your plan every person that ever came in my life just in passing all Your plan as i tried to be a responsible person was a hard lesson at the expense of my loved ones Sobriety it's a Good thing i know there will be those who will understand the magnitude of that statement therefore i am blessed to have been an alcoholic as 20 plus years and i understand that today is the most important day confusion riddles my brain to have lived a life such as mine i can't help but wonder this is all for what unhappiness is a way of life have i tried to live happiness or intent of happiness that comes in many forms therefore even if intent of kindness overlooked because of ones narcissistic personality that has an addiction problem that caused her to loose the baby it hurts so badly to hear the baby cry for her mother when being reared and she will get upset it won't be her father because he picks her up and takes her out Father You know how i feel about thanksgiving and for her mother pulled wanting to sleep rather than entertain her child she left her child for a place to sleep my eldest beside herself could not contain herself and i'm in the room playing with her and the t.v. turned up this all your plan had some limited time to figure that out one thing it is her mommy and she wants to play with her THIS IS WHEN MY ELDEST JUMPED IN AFTER HEARING ENOUGH BULL TURD THAT WAS BEING FED TO HER she tried to contain herself i know i couldn't she is so sweet knowing things were going she deserves much happiness in her life she is someone special blessed by my eldest we have been through just so much i pray in Jesus name Amen and to all trying to keep me afloat from my being with the understanding of happiness happiness is my goal me |
Blest Am I
That I can log on here and return once more to share appreciation for continued thoughts posted,
That life allows a moment, if even just a moment, to be her to give, That work is doable.....and the blessings its rewards bring to my family is helping us to reclaim our lives, That pain, although still part of life, is livable, That love abounds in this place Appreciatively, M56 :grouphug: |
Feeling Blessed Today
Yup.....another moment I can come say "howdy do!"
Tree, lights, decorations and such up. Last evening my darlin' surprised me with a new snow globe to replace the one accidentally broken by our 25 year old when he was 2. This globe is very much like the other was....a mountain village scene, a train which circles the village then disappears into a tunnel, Santa and sleigh circling overhead....you get the idea. A cool snow globe. Yup, I feel blessed. M56 :) |
Quote:
it is something we love also not a decoration in sight must do it for Eva and Corissa have no help but i know myself i'll get upset enough and wind up doing it that feeling isn't there yet hoping to feel a twitch we too love snow globes |
Eva, I too have not a decoration in sight, but I have people staying here so that's been my excuse. They will leave tomorrow morning and I am going to drag the big box of all my Xmas decorations out from the junkroom to the living room and dig deep into my reserves to delve into the box repeatedly as I go back n forth getting things out and create a festive scene!
WHAT am I saying.... I'm going to get the big box stored in the junk room moved to the living room today; Im going to ask one of the guests to do it; I'm going to ask each of them to select an item or two from the box and display it somewhere appropriate in the house; I'm going to leave the box where it's placed until it's emptied of all decorations; I'm going to ask every visitor who comes to the house in the next week to select an item or two from the box and display it until the box empties; I'm going to ask the last visitor to place the then empy box back in the junk room ready for when it's next needed (28 days from now) I'm going to be kind to myself this year; I'm going to allow other people to help me; I'm going to grow and become a better person and gracefully accept I need to ask for help; I'm going to accept people are not mind readers, they don't know what I need doing if I don't speak up and ask; I'm going to accept not every one is like me, tuned to every situation occurring around me and intuitively knowing when someone needs helping; I'm going to surprise myself and do nothing other than ask for help; Quote:
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Quote:
thank you for reminding me of the situation at hand i do have a problem asking for help as i do i am let down most of the time being a control freak blessed with OCD erring to the the side of all neat everything has a home but this is me i need to work on controlling myself myself only i am up against evil depression set in hard i would love to shake this self pity i wish i could remember that each day is a gift from God i am carrying to much turd that isn't even mine to carry yet it affects me as it is my family a ill family and things were harder when our father blew himself away our mother shunned us and was that narcissistic person there was a moment i was about 8 months pregnant at a bingo game my mothers oldest friend my aunt here vacationing i sitting across from them and i hear my mother mind you i'm 38 years old and she says "if i had to do it all over having children i wouldn't" it didn't matter i was a grown woman who superseded in many ways being a single strong woman raising 4 children by myself no trophies please i had a job to do and did my very best no help from my family and when i say family 99% of all my lineage reside where my history of family is in Hungary no contact with them my mother my two younger sisters one has my nephew my youngest sister 45 years old single no children and my four children we are it not doing well a mother estranged from two of her three girls it is my youngest sister who is still in contact with her oh how her man and his family make her happy kicked her kids to the curb when she sold the house both my parents bought and that be that oh you wonder why am i in the past Christmas growing up there was ALWAYS a huge fight between our parents and i started our own tradition well known to my family only my own family is in all sorts of turmoil where am i going with all this i asked for help and it isn't taken seriously and they have better things to do i guess i have not had company i can't remember my last guest no true friends the God parent for Corissa said to me fourteen years ago i cannot be i you life to many negative things going on only to find out she had a black 3rd child and gave him up for adoption an Irish redhead with two boys already we became very close as she came into my waitress years and i took her under my wing and she had split from her husband history just an example i have not made any close friends since i had just delivered Corissa and this is when my troubled child who made me a mother all over as i have custody and she seems to be very comfortable with the arrangements and life goes on never know when something is up that screws up what we put together i don't want what happened Thanksgiving to roll over into Christmas my depression is enough something i want out of my being so many changes just in my life alone there is much i need to do and being mostly single all my life except for a short lived marriage my goal happy feelings i miss feeling happy thank you for you insight and upbeat Spirit the tubs have been out for a week still on the fence about opening up memories all ornaments made and are original each year a new one is added so PamelaJune it too is emotional i will adopt your outlook and be conscious to apply it God bless you and all you love what a wonderful way of getting the box to empty out love me thanks |
it's almost twelve midnight
took your suggestion
with my 16 year old help so what i accomplished was to put things away so that we can put out the moving animals so many kinds so many buttons to push i can't wait to see her face then i asked my eldest if she could help with the tree she said yes i got my buttocks and moved till i couldn't any more tomorrow another day Eva didn't ask why the wall unit was being cleared of all pictures that's a good thing as mom and dad take her Tuesday to see Santa i can put the creatures out for her then so thank you ima hurting it will be well worth it me |
Father i am angry
at you
you know how much was done yesterday with the help of Corissa and You bless me with another flood this morning in Corissa's bathroom on the twentieth floor a Major flood from the shower above it made its into Corissa's room under the laminate floors i had put down also made its way out the bathroom door into the tiny hall and into the living room under the laminate the size i would guess about 5' x 5' really bad damage this is a third time i incurred water damage first time i ever put in a claim on my renters shortly after i moved in then i moved to the bigger apartment another flood my agent said it would be to soon to put in another claim that was that i thought to myself have had renters since 1984 and used it the first time both times the building at fault and again today the third time fans are on it but its really bad and where the floors are managed i'll put a area rugs down i can change them once warped the damage done Father you know what i did only for this turd to happen i will say thank you Jesus thank you Father thank you Jesus thank you Father me |
Yeah
Accepting help is a needful thing. Some of us arrive at the point where we cannot do we once did. It can be a prideful thing. I felt it. Depending on others for physical stuff I can no longer do unles I want to hurt myself.... Arghhhh.
I hope each of you, PamelaJune and Eva receive the help you need to survive joyfully through the Christmas season. AND Eva ..... The flood? Oh why, oh why???? Friends here suffered a burst pipe in an upstairs bathroom.... They did not lose precious mementos, yet most of the interior of the home was detrimentally harmed... Walls, floors, cabinets, kitchen appliances. It will be months before they can live at home again. Water piping is SO susceptible to failure. Eva, I pray you will be able so dry out and save much of the special laminate floor. I know how hard it was for you to get it in the first place! Prayin blessings for ya, M56 :hug: :grouphug: |
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