will review meylogram report
and mri
will see him again
May 22nd
will start with blood work
and take it from there
my new internist
me
still waiting

dear Father
Brother
Mother Mary

thank you for another day

today i woke up and thought to myself
what is happening
and what did i do to **** you off
as new doc John D'Acoonti
a pain specialist taking me on as a patient
also an internist
Father i am an interesting patient to him
he will review the two reports
and will asses what to do
in the mean time i am having
specif blood work
will have been ready for the doctor
this has been a long tiring day
i have nowhere to go
he recommended the pool
this i will do
did i upset you
if i did i'm sorry
i'm so sorry
me

dear Father
Brother
Mother Mary

thank you for another day

it is a gloomy day
cold body twitching in the night
how i must make my promise
it has been going slowly in the
right direction
Christine is working
we Corissa and myself watching
Eva

Corissa is now in the process of
having to get her GED preferably
on line and work part time
and find out what she wants to learn
to make a career and love what she does
i still feel i did the best in decision
making with her
it did not matter
i always was in contact
and it fell on deaf ears
no one took her under their wing
if anyone was paying attention
they could see
why
when she was in class a natural A-B student
there are only so many zeros and you fail
period
had her repeat the grade
all through the second year
on the phone with her guidance
gave teachers my number
was it ever used
yes
her math teacher
and that was short lived
no one listened
most importantly she was
able to see her faults
as did her donkey butt father
but
this now
is way too late
as they now left my child behind
"no child left behind" bull turd

dear Father
you know my input in all of this
what we are working on
i will not let her fall any further
it is my job to help her
support her
please help me with her
not to ever feel she cannot talk to me
as i am an open book with my kids
they still look for my input

Father
i would one day
see all my children
in a get together as
adults
under my roof
and see with loving eyes
and know you are the inspiration
the reason to live life to the fullest
and praise the Father
who makes things happen
your spirit lives in this apartment
and will live on forever
and ever
Amen!

may your day be filled with the Lord
and his promises
Amen!

Father
Brother
Mother Mary

Thank you for another day

We are wakened again
Pain in my sleep
Hips knees throb
A beat of there own
Awakened again
To be in this world
is not easy
Rather for myself
it isn't easy
The pit of my stomach
is lost
Or is it the pit of my heart
Either case it does no feel good
Father
Guide this lost heart
I need to find something
that fills this hole
Father you know what I speak of
Not to go into depression
I do not know why
Spoke to my psychotherapist
a good session
As he reminded me
"It's not you"
Yet everything around me
i wind up becoming responsible for
He understands me he's begun to get me
He too a father
Be it may I live with this horrible
feeling for the rest of my life
So be it
Maybe I'll fake it till I get there
Nope not me
too may need me
I get passionate in everything
I do
But when my life is still
I am alone
On that physical and emotional pain
Who wants to be a burden to anyone
Who wants to listen to my bull turd
I have given my all and continue to
That will never change
My love for the human who
understands the road my life
and all the unecessary drama
The addict in all of my family
To experience watching my oldest
go through what her dealt cards were
to have removed a part of her brain
in hopes to stop her seizures and the
slew of out of touch pharmaceutical
companies and the outrageous price
they are is a CRIME
TO LISTEN TO THOSE ON HERE
SUFFER
What ever the case may be
When I read how overly
interested when in trial
mode of a SCS and or Pain Pump
To have a diagnosis like my most recent
MRI in itself and hold it all together
is certainly a task
it creeps up out of nowhere
bites me in the butt all over again
How is it I move on
One moment at a time
stay focused I am Gods child
We will be taken care of
As a human that had her life
change as much as mine in almost
four years now only what I can handle
This much I understand
I have many blessings in my
life and I must continue to remember
I am only in control of me
And can only be there when I'm needed
To help Corissa find passion in her life
AND GO FOR IT
She was taken out of school
as it should be a safe place
A place to learn
keep a child's interest
This was not the case
So new avenues we must take
Her progress is slow
We had to start at the very
BEGINNING
Baby steps
The PHONE limited
All from the beginning
listening skills
Following through
Take care of things
without being asked
HONESTY
the most important
of all rules
I thank God and
will never doubt that
his son died for our sins
Forgive me of my sins
Amen
I am such a passionate
human being
a passionate mother
and grandmother
It is just this weight of all the
turd I have to deal with alone
in real life
But made up in my cyber family
who I know are real
and share their experience strength and hope
for the future
And that's just live it when you can
I am so tired of talking of the pain
It is there I can't help it
Until my diagnosis is figured out
what the blank it means
maybe by then things will
be different
but for now
this empty feeling
Is it in my gut
Is it in my heart
Is it in my head

It is what it is
There is no option
I must follow through
There are times I MUST
SAY "NO"
Maybe then I'll see things
how they really
Corissa has to learn all the way
from the beginning
It is difficult looking at her
and yet to show me simple
orders things she should be
able to do simply
Yet that isn't the case
I am floored at the status
of the situation
just blown the blank away
Blessings dear Father
For a loving Son a mother
who watched him die
Thy will be done
On earth as it is in
Heaven
Jesus my brother
I know you lived in this world
as a human
I am human living
Spiritually in such depth
at times I can go on and on
in my head
the intensity real
Your powers real
Your promise real
Your love real
Your Fathers gift
Your Father in his soft
flannel worn shirt
with the aroma of love
Blessings you say
Ask
Father keep me alive long enough
so I can see my lineage do well
Be healthy
I have too much to do with my family
Eva needs me
I miss my dog
Me

THAT is Some post! Grateful for all of it, I am.
Thank you for being a Blessing.

What if your day has not gone as planned?
What if things seemed off kilter?
What if pain was awful and life ......well, sucked.....?
Could you, would you be able to feel Blessed?
I submit yup, you would.
It is all in perspective and perception.
There is something, no matter how seemingly tiny, which is for each today a blessing.
Truth be told, this is what has buoyed me through the decades.
Blessing.
A sky with warmth, or cold, with stars of night or sun of day,
A family member, or several of them,
A friend.....even one
A meal, for which I am thankful
Something to wear
A kindness, whether conferred or received,
Love, no matter whence it comes, to be loved even in friendship is blessing
The simple thing of just resting....between spasms of pain sometimes
How about taking a single Ghirardelli chocolate chip and letting it melt on my tongue.....a blessing, that....
I so enjoy blessings.....
Don't you?

chocolate
did someone say chocolate