I'm starting to feel a little depressed, and crazy. I have such a bad memory, and at times, I think I remember things that I probably don't really. These are just fleeting feelings I hope. But, I don't know. I'm going through a divorce, but while I was the one who filed, I'm starting to feel depressed about it now. I REALLY don't want to say good-bye to my in-laws. I love them so much. They are the only real family I have ever had. And now, since I'm not going to be married to my husband anymore, does that mean that they will cease to be a huge part of my life? I HOPE AND PRAY that that will not happen. But, I guess you never know untill it happens. I will be SO DEPRESSED if I actually have to say good-bye to them. They're the only people that I really feel connected to and love like this in the whole world. That has been my main reason for staying with my husband for so long. I even told my brother-in-law once that I would never divorce my husband. That was the reason why. Although I didn't say that to him, because I didn't want him to know at the time that that was the only thing keeping me with his brother. Anyway- I'll feel better. I do know, I hope, that I will not lose them too in the divorce.

Although, blood is thicker than water. And family loyalties run very deep. I know this. That's why I'm so scared of leaving. I know that it's what I need to do for me. And to be fair to my husband, because I don't love him in that way. And, he should be with someone who is desperately in love with him. And I'm just not. I'm not saying that to be mean. It's just honest. I wish that there was an easier way. I wish I hadn't made such a big mess of things. But I hope it works out. Life goes on, right?

Peace, and Love,
-Cgirl-