[MelodyL]

But I really don't know what to do.

I have a close friend who has a 30 year old son. He's a full blown alcoholic. Been hospitalized for pancreatitis several times. They give him medicine, he gets better, he comes home. Back to drinking beer.

He is not working at the present. He had a good job. He wont' stop drinking. Lots of family dynamics going on. Lots of issues. Other people drink in the house (but not to the same degree).

This family has tried to get this guy into rehab. They've been to Al-anon. They've called the police. They are always told the same story.

No one can force anyone to go into rehab.

They tried to get him out of the house thinking if they called the police, the police would take him out and put him in rehab. (This is New Jersey by the way). They found out it doesn't work that way.

You can't force anyone to stop drinking or into rehab.

They have had ex alcoholics come to the house to try and talk to the guy. Forget it. He recently found out he was adopted. Didn't take it well at all. They even had an adoption expert come to the house to try and talk. All the guy did was go back up to his room and drink. He won't talk to anyone.

Lots of stuff going on in that house. But the bottom line, is he's killing himself and there's doesn't seem to be a thing that anyone can do.

I find this almost impossible to believe. But after I made some calls myself to Al-anon, I was told the exact same thing. No one can make someone stop drinking.

And sure, she can go to Family Court, and start evicting proceedings. This will take up to 6 months, and he'll still be drinking. She doesn't want to do that.

So if anyone out there has ANY ANSWERS as to what my friend can do to get her son the help he needs, well, I'll be happy to pass on any suggestions.

And you might suggest stuff that they've tried. If this happens, I'll just say "Tried that one, didn't work".

They have had interventions, (they actually had family members come to the house to do an intervention and they bought a bottle of vodka). They are from another country, and it's a custom to do social drinking when they have family get togethers. When I heard this, I went ballistic and said:

"Of all the dumb things I've heard, well, that has to be the dumbest". My friend agreed and told them to put away the bottle.

They tried to intervene. The 30 year old would have none of it. He drinks beer all night long, passes out, and sleeps all day.

So what is a parent to do when you have this situation and you are told "you have no rights, you can't make him stop, he'll probably drink himself to death".

I have never witnessed such a tragedy in a family like the one I'm describing.

Surely, THERE HAS TO BE SOME LEGAL WAY to put this guy into rehab so he'll get clean after a few days, and then do the therapy thing. I mean, he obviously needs help. They have a friend who is a lawyer, and even SHE said "there isn't a judge in the world who would sign him into rehab". He has to commit a crime, drive drunk, etc. to have a judge order him into rehab". He hasn't done any of these things. He just stays home and drinks.

Any suggestions would be most welcome.

Thanks so much.

[Janon]

Has he been evaluated for his mental & physical health?
Chemical imbalances?
Pain?

He might be using it as a self medication of sorts??

[karousel]

Originally Posted by MelodyL

He is not working at the present. He had a good job. He wont' stop drinking. Lots of family dynamics going on. Lots of issues. Other people drink in the house (but not to the same degree).

Not to state the obvious but first they need to have NO alcohol in the house at all.

[bluenurse]

This is where I think "tough love" comes into play. First the family sounds like they are enabling him by allowing a 30 yr old man to drink all night and sleep all day under their roof. How does he pay for the beer if he doesn't have a job.

Sometimes the only way to get the help you need is to hit rock bottom. If he had to arraign for his own living expenses he would NEED to have a job. He would either realize that he needed help with his addiction, or hit rock bottom. I sure that this would be hard for his family to watch happen. However, the advice your friend has recieved is correct. You can't make someone go to rehab. If he was considered a threat to himself or others, then he could be committed on a TDO by a judge, and maybe get the ball rolling for a detox.

I worked with many alcoholics as a nurse, and I know that chronic pancreatitis is very painful. But, that is just the tip of the iceberg for alcohol related illnesses. I sure hope things work out for everyone involved. Tough love is never easy, but it could maybe save a life.

[MelodyL]

He has been drinking for over 10 years. But it didn't get bad until about 3 to 4 years ago. The family drinks socially.

Oh, just so you have ALL the info, the mother can't face what is happening to her son, and has been drinking a few glasses of wine every night before she goes to bed. (You must know what I've told her on THAT subject). She is not strong at the moment.

He has been spoken to by social workers during his various hospitalizations. He was diagnosed with pancreatitis last year. Two years ago, they got him to a liver specialist and they had him on supplements.

All to no avail. He drinks beer. He uses various excuses for his drinking (My friend died, my grandmother won't call me back, etc. etc.). We all know that it's all an excuse.

He is not in any physical pain (except for his bouts of pancreatitis). when he wasn't drinking he looked just fine. His first bout in the hospital was for almost 3 weeks. He could not smoke (Oh I forgot to mention he's a smoker).

So he didn't smoke nor did he drink for 3 weeks. I told my friend not to let him back in the house unless he went to rehab. She was told that this is his residence and she can't lock him out. His doctor won't speak to her because of privacy laws. (You know the routine, he's an adult, so the doctor wont' talk to the mother). I understand this.

So after that first bout in the hospital, one would think he would have gotten his lightbulb moment. But unfortunately that's when he found out he was adopted. He did not take this well at all.

Lots of stuff going on in that house, this much is obvious. I told my friend "How on earth can you tell him to stop drinking when you drink wine at night?" She said 'I know, I know". Like I said, she is not strong.

She did go to al-anon with her husband last year. Her husband looked around at all the people and remarked "this place is not for me".

She has been to 2 or 3 al-anon meetings, but now that she too is drinking at night I told her she should go to AA to get herself clean and sober, that she IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER SON'S BEHAVIOR.

But as you might imagine, this is falling on deaf ears. She wants him to be well and productive and live, and be clean and sober. And because he isn't....she turned to booze because, as she puts it... "it makes me numb and I don't feel anything".

She told me tonight. "If my son dies, I'll end my life, I don't know what else to do".

She was of course, two sheets to the wind, as they say.

The odd thing is tomorrow, she will call me and be perfectly fine. She does not drink during the day. She works two jobs during the week by the way.

It's her salvation. I told her "if you keep drinking, you will lose these jobs, your benefits, etc." She just cries and says "I can't cope".

I really am at my wit's end here.

She keeps asking me "how did you cope with your son's problems"

I said "listen, we all have problems, we have to learn better coping mechanisms. I used to sit in front of the tv and self medicate with food every single night. I no longer do this, I want to be healthy". She asks me 'But how did you change your brain, to feel like that??

I would anwer. "Well, I joined various forums, I learned about my body, I learned that I can't do anything about my son's behavior, and therefore, I'm not going to continue to harm myself by self medicating with food".

She agrees that she has a problem, but she says 'I have no strength to go on".

Good Lord. I just had this conversation with her five minutes ago.

I mean, how many times can I just say "you can do this, go to AA, or go to Al-anon, you can't do anything about his drinking, blah blah blah".

It's a very tough thing here.

[dorrie]

Hi Melody!! You should put your post in the alcoholism forum as well as here..you will likely get some more replies!!
I am a member of a 12 step group...so is hubby. We both are approaching our 8 year anniversaries.
You friend and her family need to realize that this young fella will surely die if he does not get help. I understand that there is nothing they can do to make him go to rehab but if they can just lovingly detach from him it would help. They need to decide what they are willing to do to help and they need to be prepared to follow thru! They need to start shutting doors that enable him to continue. His mom needs to realize that if she does not start to do whatever she can..ie evict him ,(not to sound mean but) she may very well be forced to bury him instead!!!
It is so hard to stop the enabling behaviour....the alcoholic counts on people to continue...it assists him in what he does.....alot of people do not realize how they enable....the alcoholic sure is not goin to point it out!!
A very good place to get some help is to go to an OPEN AA meeting...I am not knocking alanon it is wonderful....been there as well... but a sober alcoholic who truly has changed their life will likely be very honest with you or your friend. They will try to help and likely give you some advise on the situation. They have been there....we lose members all of the time that have got there but just a bit to late...we attend so many funerals!!! It is frightening! In the open meeting you usually hear someones story...it is a good place to be for hope because it is a true miracle to see the changes in peoples lives! This fellows family need to learn what they can do! It is a family disease....it affects the whole family in one way or another!
You could take a peek online as well...might get something there. I am sorry for babbling on Mel...I remember taking full advantage of the people around me to keep them giving me money and enabling me to continue......everyone tried so hard but in my case I had to get really sick in my mind heart and body before I would stop...its a long story....I pray that your friends son will get better...that he or his familly will meet the right person(s), hear the right things that will lead them where they need to go in this. You are such a good lady Mel trying to help your friend...our special Mel!!!!Godbless

[greta]

I hate to sound cold, but you can't help people who won't help themselves. They are enabling him. Until they are willing to make choices that will help him to reach rock bottom, he will continue on the path he's on.

[MelodyL]

I have told her to stop buying him pizza and soup. The other night I asked her "why on earth are you still enabling him by providing him with food".

She said 'you want to know why??, because at 6 a.m. this morning, I found my whole kitchen a mess. He was drunk and my kitchen was a mess. If I leave it up to him, he'll ruin my kitchen. So it's easier to just buy him some pizza and he won't make a mess. (You can't rationalize with this form of thinking, I won't win, I know this.).

She feels guilty because he told her he hates her because he is adopted. He feels rejected by his birth parents.

These people actually found his birth mother and full sister (his adopted father traveled back to his place of birth, just to do this). One would think the guy would be appreciative of this, right?

He is not. He is sullen, rude, he curses them, he is horrible. I told her "why on earth you put up with this behavior, well I just don't get it, what do you have to be apologetic about??" You gave him an excellent life, a good foundation, but he's making bad choices".

Her response was "I don't know how to handle this, he's killing himself, he'll be the death of me". blah blah.

Lots of pity party going on here, but from her point of view, she feels very guilty that they never told him that he was adopted.

I mean, who the heck waits 30 years to drop a bombshell like that.

He has said "I can't forgive you for not telling me". "you destroyed me".

Blah blah blah.

I'm now going to bed, but tomorrow (hopefully some other will come along here and share their stories so I can get back to her with some sound advice), but tomorrow I shall post this on the alcoholism forum. Didn't know they had one.

Her whole house reeks of smoke. They had told him when he was last hospitalized "you can come home, but you can't smoke".

He just laughed and lit up as soon as he got in his room.

The enabling is out of control here.

Thanks to you all for your words of wisdom.

Melody

[dorrie]

Melody Darlin'....I know that it can be very stressful.. being close to alcoholism..I know that you are worried but please just be careful not to let the situation and the people involved in it bring you down....remember that you can also tell your friend that she needs some help in this too and that you may need to distance yourself...lovingly of course...from her. My goodess she needs to understand that if she does not do what she can to help...the obvious things and for some reason they appear to be the hardest things....than it is truly hurting him more in the long run!!

[SandyC]

First off I want to ask you something? Do all of your friends come to you for advice? You must be tired! Girl, take care of yourself first OK?

Second, I grew up with alcoholics and still have some in the family. The best thing they can do for him is to boot him on his butt right out the door. Yes this is hard to do but they are not responsible for his behavior nor reluctance to get help. They are enabling him, point blank. If he continues to be given a place to live and his bills being paid, food on the table, etc., he will most likely never stop. They do risk the chance that he will continue to drink no matter what but they have to do something instead of enabling him.

I would also suggest that the family revisit Al-anon and really listen to what is being said. They cannot take blame for him, force him to stop or control any part of the rehab process. If he chooses to continue to drink it's on him and only him. It is a disease and it's a hard one to break. However, only he can do it. Enabling him only makes it worse. And the family who brought booze to the intervention? What in the world were they thinking?

The best gift his parents can give him is to let him fall and pick himself up. He is verbally abusive and disrespectful of the home and love that he has been given and that is unacceptable.

Also, the serenity prayer is for anyone facing trials and tribulations, including the parents:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.