Aw, Holly, I'm so sorry for your pain. Grandma was truly blessed to have you and I'm certain that she brought her love for you along with her.

Rest your spirit, you did good. :hug:

Blessings to you for all you did for your dear grandmother, Holly.
She's without pain and at peace now.
I am sure she would wish peace for you at this time after all your hard work. My prayers are being sent up for you and for her at this time.
:grouphug:

Today started out better. I didn't cry nearly as much. I didn't have to go to the funeral home to discuss arrangements and sign papers (definite plus). The kids, my SIL and I went to the Olive Garden where DH is a manager and ate lunch. Then, reality hit. I came home to let the guy in from the medical equipment place so he could take all the equipment out of here. Her room seems so empty now.

I know it seems so soon, but my 12 year old son wants to move back into that room (it was his before Grandma moved out here last year). Since it doesn't bother him, I'm going to let him go ahead right away. I can't handle walking past that room and having it be empty.

Last night I stood in the doorway and cried. The bed was empty, the oxygen machine was silent, and it was just so sad. I felt like I should go sit in there and watch TV with her. While she was still alert, we watched TV together in there. The last few days, I was in there a lot watching TV and on the laptop while she slept.

If Michael moves back in, there will be life and energy in there again. I think she would want that. I think I need that.

Holly? How are you doing?


DAY

I don't know. I guess the best word right now is numb.

This weekend is kind of weird. Yesterday was Grandma's birthday and today is Mother's Day - kind of bitter sweet. DH and I went to dinner last night and we toasted Grandma for her birthday while we were out for his birthday (April 26) and Mother's Day. His birthday got kind of lost in the whole hospice thing. Last year, we went out the three of us (DH, me and Grandma) and celebrated Mother's Day and her birthday. Hard to believe so much changed in a year!

I finally made the arrangements for the memorial service. I just couldn't get it together and then it all suddenly fell into place. It will be on Thursday. The funny thing is that was the only day that would work out schedule wise and it turns out that it is my Grandpa's birthday. If he was still alive, he would be 96!! He was 10 years older than Grandma.

I also found the program from Grandpa's memorial service in Grandma's address book when I was calling people and now I know what poem to use on her's. I will use the same one we used for him. Here it is:

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.

I like the poem Holly. I also like that the service will be on your grandfathers birthday.

:hug:
DAY

Hollym, I hope and pray that you and your grandmother are comforted by the grace of GOD in the time a head. We are comanded to honor our motheer and father, that our days will be long. I pray that GODS blessing will be abondant toward you for honoring your grandmother.

TEC49

Hey Holly,

I was thinking of you today. I just wanted to check on you and see how the service went.


DAY

Thinking of you Holly. :hug:

Thanks, guys. It went well. I actually had the nerve to get up and do a eulogy. Everyone was quite impressed, so I guess I did a good job. I do think it was a pretty nice eulogy that only scratches the surface of Grandma's amazing life. It took me days of writing and editing and just walking away from the computer before I got to the final version. I didn't even cry and sob through it. My voice only cracked a couple of times.

Honestly, I think I'm pretty numb and kind of in a weird in between state right now. It doesn't seem real. I felt like I should be crying, but I couldn't. I cried for 3 days straight last week and now I just cry at random times. Maybe I cried my limit of tears for the month of May? I do feel a little guilty for not being more emotional, though.

After the service, we had a little dinner in the church basement. We had sandwich ring from a local deli, veggies, soup, salad and breadsticks (from Olive Garden) and everyone seemed to enjoy that. I had a much needed glass of wine.

One of the neatest things is that a local board buddy from the other MS board came to the service. We have stayed good friends, but only see each other a few times a year and it was so nice to see her again.

Now I feel kind of tired and drained and have to get on with the business of wrapping up Grandma's affairs but I really can't seem to feel motivated to do that. It's so sad. When she was still here, I used to sit in her room and pay her bills with her and now it just seems so empty to write the checks with both of our names on them.

Sometimes it just doesn't feel right that "life goes on".

:hug: Holly :hug:

I know exactly what you mean. I felt like "How dare everyone carry on with their lives when this has happened. How can they even be able to concern themselves with anything but this?" I went through the same thing with each death......but life does go on and eventually you'll be thankful for the distractions of everyday stuff. There's alot of things you'll have to get used to doing differently. But it's all part of the healing process that will eventually become clear (or clearer) to you. It ain't easy. :rolleyes:

I felt guilty, too, when I didn't cry as much. And if I dared to laugh or smile at anything.......well, I didn't hesitate to berate myself for that, too. But I learned that it's okay to move on. It's okay to be happy. None of the family that left me would ever want me to be sad. I felt guilty for everything....for still being here (why them and not me?), for enjoying anything without them, you name it and I felt guilty for it.

It's a process to grieve....sometimes a lengthy process. And everyone does it differently. There's no right or wrong way to do it. Sort of like MS.......it's different for everyone. So whatever works for you is the right thing for you to do.

I think about you often and still include you in my prayers. I know Grandma is bragging about you. :)

Holly, don't down yourself for not crying. When my dad died, I didn't shed a tear. It's been 2 1/2 weeks now and no tears. Until today!! I was at work today and a song came on. Then the flood gates opened.

I knew it would happen, in time. lol I just wish it had happened anywhere but work.


I'm glad the service went well. I'm sure your grandmother would have been proud.


Hang in there Holly


DAY

Holly, at a time like this we all are a frozen state. The best thing for you was the fact you was with her, the last minute times. And that is a blessing. I can recall back in 1972 when I lost my dad, I was the lucky one to be with him and my mother, my sibs. were not as fortunate. I than can think back when it was the tenth annversity of his death and still weeping after hearing one of his favorite hymns at church. There will always be a place in your heart for loved ones you will lose.

May God be with you and your family. :hug: for you all.