I have bipolar with severe depression. My day ranges from just suicidal thoughts to suicidal urges. This is like this every day, month in month out, year in year out. It is so hard to take even a shower that I go over a week in between. I am ruining my teeth from not brushing them. I have a hard time doing even dishes and washing my cloths that I live like a pig. In the US I don’t feel like living. I went to the Philippines on vacation and discovered I felt better there. So I moved there for a year and a half. My suicidal thoughts and urges are much lower there and I actually feel like living. It is also easy to find someone to take care of me, laundry, cooking, dishes, cleaning and a lot of attention. It is still hard for me to take a shower and brush my teeth but at least I can force myself to do it a lot of the time. I still have a lot of down days, but I am better and glad to be alive there. To make an even longer story short, I returned to the USA and looked for work, in just a couple months I am back to not taking care of myself and the constant thought of suicide. All I have to hold onto is returning to the Philippines where at least I’m happy to be alive. I have suffered for decades before it was properly diagnosed (I’m on SSDI for Major Depression, not bipolar) and none of the medications I’ve taken work on the depression. I know I will never return to work. I can’t even concentrate on TV; I spend most of the time staring into space with the TV on in the back ground.

I’m saving the money to move back to the Philippines, I am scared to death about a CDR when I am there. But I don’t have a choice if I want any type of contentment in my life. If I go there, feel better, but still can’t work, what will they think?

How understanding is SSA when you move to another country to improve your depression? How can I protect my benefits during a CDR? If they send you to see one of their doctors, are the doctors “out to get you” or do they take their Hippocratic Oath seriously to do no harm?

I have been disables for ten years, but it took four years to collect because I tried to work at first. I also used the ticket to work and actually returned to work for 13 months but was unable to maintain it after that period. That was in 2006. I have never had a CDR, I guess that was because I used the ticket to work, but they sent me a letter last spring that I have not fulfilled the criteria for ticket to work and am now eligible for a CDR. I wish they would do one before I save the money to return to the Philippines, as it would be less stressful and I know my doctors will back me here. But who knows if and when I will get the CDR. I am 50 years old.

I found an escape from my hell that isn’t an illegal drug, how can I make them understand that?

Any tips or experiences from those living abroad would be appreciated.