jezzzzzzz louise

talk about pain
couldn't stand, sit, squat, lay down you name it
had a biopsy done yesterday
talk about it more
in womens forum right breast
starting with the elevator ride out
cried like a baby
the pain all down my spine arms and head
i cursed my surgeon more than ever
getting a cat-scan tomorrow
to see how fusing is coming along
if i fused and left feeling like i do
worse than ever
i'm screwed
if i haven't fused yet
i shall seek another doctor
i will travel into NYC where my sister had gone
either way another doctor is in order
i mentioned in medicine forum that my pc doctor
is sending me and advised a pain pump
i walked in a right angle position all day
trying to focus is extremely difficult
everything about yesterday hurt
in it all
i do remember how wonderful the air felt on my face
i am really tying to hang on
as a recovering alcoholic
not entertaining the thought
it been 20 years
whatever was in that stuff remembering
it did numb ones body
i will not drink
have my support group
just remembering the numbing effect
don't get it
the amount of medicine i'm on
should be cutting it
but it's not
my meds are taken as prescribed
never abusing them
just doesn't make sense
anyhow today is the same
trying real hard staying positive
for as many times i cursed my doctor i'll be seeing tomorrow
i asked God for forgiveness
he really did something terribly wrong (the doctor of course)
it just seems never ending
loosing my hair is one thing
it being replaced by greys
not that bad i'm told
oh well pain all over inside
yet like in said before
if one more person says how great i look
i feel like skinning them alive
i want too scream out
turn me inside out
then lets talk
just venting
that pain really can make a person ugly
inside and out
i miss my dog
i miss being intimate
my partner is great and understanding
it isn't him
we know each other for many years
i am hoping me and my daughter
can spend the night over my eldest
so we could have a night with oliver
our dog
i would feel soooo much better with him around
but it is what it is
till then
wishing all who listen
a wonderful night