Thanks for the reply.

I thought I was past the anger until I recently needed a referral for surgery. The surgeon wouldn't operate until he got a report from my Physician and the "Neuro from hell".

The Physician okayed the surgery but the Neuro (who I have not seen in over one and a half years) vetoed the surgery with the reason being that "I had no chance of improvement in my mobility as the damage is permanent". I need to have the torn cartilage in my hip fixed because even if it doesn't help my mobility it will decrease the pain.

It seems just when I'm picking myself up, doing the physio and rehab, improving my general health and stabilising my disease, this Neuro comes back to haunt me. He has told me a number of times that I'm going to die a horrible death, he tried to have me sent from the hospital to a nursing home. He never offered any Occupational therapy referral or physio referral. I had to ask my oncologist to refer me to rehab because the Neuro thought it would be a waste of time. I tried to change Neuros but the new Neuro I went to just told me to go back to my old Neuro. My old Neuro won't take my appointments (hence one and a half years with no neuro input). The only time I tried to make an appointment in that last year and a half, his secretary wouldn't make the appointment and said he would ring me. He did ring a couple of weeks later and asked what I wanted. I told him I was having bad leg spasms and spasticity. He told me to take some Valium and there was nothing else he could do.

I didn't even realise I was angry until I asked my Physician for a referral to a Psychiatrist because I was depressed. When I saw the psych, he said that he didn't blame me for being angry because my medical care had been appalling (he read all my medical charts). I told him I wasn't angry, just sad and hopeless. That was a week ago and I'm starting to realise the psych is right. I do have anger that I'm holding on to. This is the very first place that I have ever expressed that anger. I've never even let myself think it before now.

It feels good to dish the #+*# on him. I realise that anger and blame get you nowhere and I don't intend to hold on to it but, right at this moment it feels cathartic.

I have already moved on by making an appointment with another surgeon but this time I'm going to say that I don't have a Neurologist and that's not going to be a lie. Old Neuro done, dusted and in the bin!

As the psych said....no one has the right to tell me I can't improve, that I'm not in denial and I'm not delusional, I'm simply an optimist.