Hello all

I just thought I'd post something. I'm feeling really lonely tonight.

Remember that one friend I used to have? You know... the only one I've ever had? Well, she called up my roommate today and invited her over to hang out. She hasn't even talked to me in a few months, but over that time she'a hung out with my roommate a few times. She always says she's too busy to see me, yet she always finds time for all of her other friends, the ones who aren't depressing, the ones who matter...

She clearly doesn't want to be around me, although she'll never admit it. I actually feel bad when I try to call her, like I'm forcing her to interact with someone she's trying to cut out of her life.... sigh. I should probably stop trying to fit in with any other person, and just accept that I'm going to die alone, as an outcast.

I'm just so tired of life. I don't have the energy or the desire to try anymore. I just want to lie here in my bed, left alone, until I die. I wish God would take the desease of some sick child out there and give it to me instead, at least then my life would be worth something, if only to suffer so someone else doesn't have to. Why can't God take my life and give it to someone who wants it?

I don't know why I posted this on this thread, this is no new beginning, this is the same as I've always been, the same as I always will be.

Anyway, thank you for reading, and listining, and caring....

We hear you Lonely1 and we care. What are you doing for Christmas?
I hope you feel better this morning.

I don't know what I'm doing for Christmas. I might just spend the day with my parents and brother. But my parents might travel out of state for a couple weeks to see my grandma, if they do that then I'll probably be all alone for Christmas.

I feel a little better today. I'm going to visit my parents some time this afternoon, maybe that'll help. Or maybe it'll just make thing worse; you never really know with me.

Hi ((L1)) Sorry to not be a very good friend to you, especially at this time of year. I don't know about you, but--for me--mid-November to the end of December are difficult times. I have a special-needs child, and every Christmas since he was one-year-old has been a time of trying to fit in and be a part of everyone else's "normal" Christmas. It's never worked, but I kept trying for twenty-something years. Now? I don't even try. Don't be like me. If you can get up and drive, go to be with whatever family that you have or go volunteer at a shelter. You have such a kind and caring heart--there really are people out there who can and will appreciate you, but you may have to leave your comfort zone to find them.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to go for the MRI (brain) but I've canceled/rescheduled three times already. I'm going to make it tomorrow because I want to come back here and tell YOU that I followed through. Sometimes our online friends can be the best lifelines . . .

Reyn you're not a bad friend, I understand that people have their own problems to deal with; plus my mood changes so randomly not even I can tell when I'm gonna have another depressive breakdown. It's good to just here from you.

So, I went to visit my parents and it definately made me even less happy, but I can't type now; I need to go to bed now 'cause tomorrow I have to get up early for an extra stressful day of work. Maybe I'll post more tommorow night....

Good luck with you're MRI Reyn, I look forward to hearing that you followed through.

(((L1))))... I'm proud of you for talking about how you feel.

((reyn)) - I'm glad you didn't cancel this time.

I'm sorry your visit with family wasn't helpful Lonely1...hopefully you got a good nights sleep.

Reyn...been thinking about you all day and sending positive thoughts down your way.

at work there is currently a young man of twenty one staying in the hostel. He arrived from hospital where he has spent nine weeks, after his fifth attempted suicide in two years,

Two years ago his father died of bowel cancer, and this young man gave up college to care for his terminally ill father for the remaining four months of his life.

After his fathers death he became clinically depressed, and a mixture of grief, guilt and absolute misery lead to the subsequent situations.

Sadly this young mans story is one, to frequent .....and two, so very familiar: in that his family don't talk to him because ??????????????? they don't know how to.

Of everyone in the hostel currently, the one person whom i thought would not relish the on-coming festive season... this young man is the only one who has purchased himself a Christmas tree and erected it with all the trimmings in his own room. It does not mean to say he is not desperate inside or still masking a mind of disarray....its just a sign that he wants to try and take part in life.......................


lonely one: Alfe asked what you were planning to do at Christmas.... might i suggest you volunteer to help out in a shelter over the holidays......it may not be the nicest of experiences....but believe it or not...your presence...will be remembered by those you meet...[and way after you have forgotten them] ........sometimes by helping or supporting others we inadvertently help ourselves.

Your on a long journey my friend, learn to steer into the curves...............

David

L1, do you want to talk about why your visit with your parents didn't go so well and left you feeling depressed? All of us will listen, and we will care.

I called at 9:30 to reschedule the MRI to next Monday. John is not well (chemo for leukemia not working and new meds have made him sick), so I told him that I really needed to go to the local clinic to check out my ankle (it has been a major problem for 2 wks). I knew he needed an "out." He drove me there and came back home to wait for my call to pick me up.

It was a good decision. I had a fever, and this new doctor seemed very interested in determining what is wrong with my ankle. Can you believe that he is the very doctor who I saw in the E.R. on the second time I had a seizure and John called for an ambulance?! You are likely wondering why I'm excited . . ..

Well, I live in a very rural town (about 2,000 people, and we are the county seat!) and the hospital where I was scheduled to have the brain MRI is about 40 miles from here. The only doctor that has been available recently is of the ****** religion where touching the female body is frowned upon. Right, so when I saw him with the rt. arm problem, he wouldn't touch me. It took another 2 months to get back to my oncologist who wisely sent me for and MRI and then an orthopedic surgeon --- wasn't too many months before I could use my right arm again.

Ack! I know this is long and wordy, but I'm trying to tell you that help comes from the most unlikely places, even online friends, I promise.

And, I did tell you that you can come to Miss. and have a home here, if you ever need it . . .

from my *heart,
reyn

P.S. And this doctor finally addressed my high-blood pressure and put me on medication. I am so thankful. None of this would have happened if I had held onto the belief that I absolutely had to get to the city to have the brain MRI!

First of all, I'd like to thank you guys for reading and posting. As Reyn and Blue and I (and so many others) keep saying, it's amazing how much easier it is to cope with pain when I come here.

David, thank you for the story and the wisdom.

Reyn, thank you for sharing some more of your story with me. I hope that you keep your appointment on Monday, but I'm glad you got a few other problems taken care of.

As for my visit to my parents, when I got there my mom kept bugging my dad to take us all to get a Christmas tree Because she wanted to decorate it when the whole family was there. But when we got it and got home, my mom went to "take the dog out" and the rest of us started putting up the tree. By the time she came back inside she was clearly drunk. She refused to admit she was drunk even though she was slurring her words and staggering when she walked.

She made my dad get a tree and then immediatly got too drunk to do anything with it. My dad says shes drinking at least three times a week, and reuses to go to AA or even admit she's drinking no matter how obvious it is. My dad also says that she chooses to do it more when I come to visit. Is she drinking because of me? Am I that big of a dissapointment that she'd rather be drunk then spend time with me? Clearly alcohol is more important than me, both my mom and my best/only friend think so, and that's about half of the people in my life. Anyway, she passed out in her chair by 7:00, and my dad made her get up and go to bed. I didn't even bother to say goodbye to her when I left, it's not like she'd remember anyway....

Sigh.... so that's my depressing little story. Today wasn't so bad, except for the pre-work anxiety that I always feel for at least an hour before I get up and go to work. After that I was busy enough to keep my thoughts away from the darkness a little bit.

Thank you again for caring