I had a pretty positive outlook when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer but gradually it’s been a struggle lately. A friend died of lung cancer last month. I was hoping she would be a survivor. She lost the battle. Her death has triggered a fear in me that I have never felt before.

I feel like I'm falling apart. I was healthy and energetic, now I feel so exhausted. I've become fearful of the treatments. I don't want to have more poison going into me. I don’t want to be sick constantly, then feel better and do it all over again and take the horrible Neupogen shots. I'm desperately trying to stay positive but feel so defeated. I know this isn't the right frame of mind for this disease but her death just triggered something that I can't pull myself out of.

I see others who are feeling down at this time and maybe part of it is just the time of year. For me, I am starting Taxol, starting Friday for 12 weeks. This is supposed to be the final step before radiation. I have tried to keep a positive attitude through this whole thing. But I feel like this has taken all that I am. I don't have the fight left to make it through chemo every week for 12 weeks. I am in pain. I hate my body. I can't stop crying. I don't understand myself. I feel so terribly exhausted & fatigued. I’m weak to the point I spend most days in bed, cry at least once a day, wake up feeling nauseated and panicky.

It all came to a head on Christmas Eve, I couldn’t take the pain anymore and thought there was only one way out. I was so lonely, wanted my family to be here with me desperately. So I tried to be with them. I’m so ashamed of myself, that’s why I’ve been quiet. Please don’t think less of me, I’m trying so hard and I know "it's" not the answer.

Thank you for all the PMs and notes on my profile thing. I had chemo Thursday and the third day is the worst with the overwhelming fatigue. Please say a prayer that my blood count is high enough and I don’t need those shots. I can’t thank you all enough, I’m sorry for my absence. I felt like no one would understand and more so understand why I do the things I do. I’m just a total mess. I thought of you all during the holidays but I was fearful I would bring you down….but you weren’t far from my heart.

I’m so nauseous and downright exhausted right now, could someone please copy this to the BP forum. They too weren't far from my thoughts and prayers.

'You didn'nt invite him in; he just took it upon himself to stay.
you asked him patiently to leave ; he even listened to you pray.

He caused you so much anguish; he was always in your space,
And even though you sought to evict him, he ignored the saddness on your face.

He took advantage of your health he knew you hadn't the strengh to shun him.
He just planned to ware you down; this lodger was wicked and cunning.

Behind his back you sought more advice; you even prevented him bringing round friends,
You stoically ignored his presence; you even fed him to make amends.

You never wanted him to see you down; you bravely tried to ignore him with a scowl.
But your mood towards him was changing, this lodger was crude and foul.

Your secret meetings behind his back were calculated and well thought.
This evil squatter, come lodger, was convinced he could stay, and not be caught.

Then twelve months later, after he rudely invaded your home, your life, your space.
This rogue tresspasser, was about to be put firmly and rightfully in his place.

On the 12th of June 2007 , when your health was at its peak, you suddenly got the
ANSWER

You went to hospital, with faith in God, and a Surgeon evicted,
BREAST CANCER.


David
__________________
Take care of YOU

first,

i'm ever so glad to hear from you.

you can bet your boots we all will keep praying and hoping and wishing and sending you every bit of strength we can. We're all rooting for you dear.

I'm so sorry about your friend, too. I can see how such an event would set off your fears. Do you still see your therapist? I wonder if there is a special therapist you could see to assist you with these issues... maybe at the hospital they could recommend someone?

But listen, i gotta tell you... and i think i can safely speak for everyone here and in BP for that matter...

WE WOULD NEVER EVER BE ASHAMED OF YOU!!!!

EVER!!!

You are a heroine to us!!! Nothing less. Forever and always. Whatever happens.

I am sorry you landed in such a bad place at Christmas. I WISH you had come... ok, yes i understand why you didn't... but now, maybe... if you feel like that again... you will come? Please?

Nobody here will judge you for being in that horrible place!

I'm so sorry for all the treatments you are having to go through. I am hoping you won't need the extra shots.

Drop by when you are able. I miss you. It is ok to tell us all the crummy stuff you are going through. We are here to hear each other's crummy stuff, you know??? It's TOTALLY OK. Any kind of crummy stuff.

I figure you're so tired a lot that you maybe can't come by sometimes... but try not to let shame or fear stop you from talking to us here.

I'm running out of words... so i'll move on to

(((HUGS)))

~ waves ~

p.s. David copied your post over to Bipolar... you're all set. (Thank you, David!)

BJ I think you should keep a record when you post. You have such a clear way of expressing yourself. When this is all way behind you you might think about writing a book.Hugs to you in this struggle. It cannot be easy - far from it.

(((((((((((((((BJ)))))))))))))))))))

Thank you for coming and letting us know how you are doing. We have missed you tons.

We will continue praying and thinking about you.

Try, try, try please to keep positive and optimistic, that helps A LOT, so...

We will be thinking about you.

Everything is going to be fine...

Take care ! and, come eeverytime you can. We LOVE to read you.

(((BJ))) I am so sorry you are going through this tough thing. Please know that you are remembered in prayer and that you are not alone in this battle. I pray for effective treatment and minimal side effects. I pray for energy and hope. I pray for a total healing body, mind and spirit.

But it has. I saw this lady in the oncologist's office today and I told her how I was feeling. She was kind enough to hand me this little pamphlet, I thought it would help me. Then I read it and couldn't understand what she was talking about.

1. You will waste your cancer if you do not believe it is designed for you by God.
2. You will waste your cancer if you believe it is a curse and not a gift.
3. You will waste your cancer if you seek comfort from your odds rather than from God.
4. You will waste your cancer if you refuse to think about death.
5. You will waste your cancer if you think that "beating" cancer means staying alive rather than cherishing Christ.
6. You will waste your cancer if you spend too much time reading about cancer and not enough time reading about God.
7. You will waste your cancer if you let it drive you into solitude instead of deepen your relationships with manifest affection.
8. You will waste your cancer if you grieve as those who have no hope.
9. You will waste your cancer if you treat sin as casually as before.
10. You will waste your cancer if you fail to use it as a means of witness to the truth and glory of Christ.

I left the room and busted out in tears. She's a BC survivor and was there for a check up. These words cut to my soul. According to her I'm doing everything wrong.

OH BJ,
YOu are not doing any thing wrong...this was not what you needed to hear.....you know that your god hears your hurts...you do have faith.
YOur GOd loves you and cries when you cry.
He is there for you.
You are taking care of yourself the best that you can....
you are taking it day by day....inch by inch....
you are going to get thru this...
You have fought so hard and for so long to hold your sanity together.
let us help you.
thank you for posting and coming back here....we need you here with us...I need you here....
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Don't worry about that pamplet. Some fellow Christians mean well,but they say all the wrong things. This has happened to me over,and over. It's even happened to me when they where praying for me.

I would end up going to the pastor of a church,of a pastor who really knew me. He would put my mind at ease.

Dear BJ. Please put your mind at ease. Try not to worry about that pamplet. Like I said,I've received many wounds from well meaning fellow loving Christians. Please be at peace. BF

Steve made very good points.

Maybe those things in the pamphlet were helpful to that lady... maybe it helped get her through, but everyone's make up is different. It was CLEARLY not useful to you, so do please try and leave it behind you.

It is not the word of God you are leaving behind, it is the word of some human... with all good intent but... no divine voice, ok?

Keep holding your own conversations DIRECTLY with the Divine, and, if you wish, a pastor or fellow who knows you.

and hey... thanks for coming here and sharing with us.



~ waves ~