Thinking about you Waves!

Hi Waves,

I'm so sorry you're having a rough patch.

However, I'm so pleased that you're being proactive about getting medical attention.

I'm also amazed that you can still find the emotional capital to be on the forum offering support to others. Anyone who can care about others when they themselves feel depressed, is far stronger than they think and is bound to be okay.

Hang On

Well said, Hockey.

((((((Waves))))))

well you know, this has been building up a while, but only the other day did i really fall apart. i TRIED to be strong for a while because

- i didn't want to believe i was getting depressed
- i didn't want to "need" meds
- i didn't want to take meds
- i didn't want to screw up the class

i really wasn't admitting it to myself. i was hoping it was just being tired. it finally got in my face. i'll be alright... relatively. problem is when. i have been unemployed for way too long, this needed not to happen!

Zoloft has worked in the past pretty much. i don't want to be on it but things were going downhill fast, and the sooner i start, the sooner i can stop again. i want to stop my mood stabilizer which i cannot, for as long as i take the Zoloft. (Bobby, no, not on APs. and i have been off antidepressants, just started the Zoloft today.)

you know, it is waaay easier to post a smile than it is to get the corners of my mouth to smile, watch: see??? just have to press 2 keys...

however, i have actually been participating less here recently, overall. there were a few nights of more activity. i have probably learned over time to observe the line between empathy and overwhelm. question of emotional boundaries. being able to peel apart what's me and what's another person. put one foot in their shoes, see how it feels, acknowledge the familiarity - but then retrieve the foot and put it back in my own shoes.

you know, when one is feeling useless, and asked to do something useful and within their ability to do, it helps both the person asking, and the person asked. it helps to know that at least someone else might be a little better off. it is important to stay within that margin of "one's ability to do." sometimes reaching out to others in the same or similar boat is all i can do... i do not see strength in it though.

thank you for the compliment in any case. maybe it is all just rhetoric.

but i really don't feel strong at all. i feel horrifically weak. and rather desolate.

thank you all for the hugs, and thoughts, and prayers... and just being here.

~ waves ~

Hi Folks,

Hi Majo.. thanks for your note of support... and it is NEVER too late! knowing about meds is no biggie. i started delving into that stuff when i first started taking meds - i do have an interest for it too, but prior to then i was clueless. just think, you surely know TONS about cell biology that i don't know. (i'm lucky if i can remember the stages of meiosis and mitosis... )

Hi Nikki... i see your "thanks" tags thanks for stopping in.

((( Hockey!!! ))) oh dear. i feel so bad. i intended that my own preceding reflections in the same post were possibly just rhetoric ... that i had just stated things a different way but maybe it was six-o-one, half a dozen of the other? i never meant to imply you were insincere - i never thought that of you at all, at any time! i'm sorry it sounded that way. i reread it i can see how it could sound like it was referring to your comments... i was more trying to say something like "or maybe i am just splitting hairs you see i have a knack for splitting hairs sometimes - that IS one of MY faults. please forgive me. i do appreciate your support.

Dear Misti - thanks for all your notes and suggestions, you have been so helpful.

Alffe!!! welcome back!!! actually i am feeling a bit better today. i haven't been on the computer the past few days at all...

----------------------------

i have been having *all kinds* of nasty symptoms. i talked to pdoc yesterday as i might not make it my appointment today - i have been unsteady and feeling "butterflies in my blood." He suspects this stuff is probably from the taper. i would tend to agree - a few other things may be that OR the Zoloft but i have not had side-effects starting it before, other than a bit of nausea, so we don't know. my mood is a bit better but not likely due to the Zoloft (takes several weeks to act). so now, i wonder if it is necessary. but it can be stopped without a problem, so i will likely continue it this week, and see. i can't increase the dose anyway till the nausea (bad this time) lets up.

i hope you are all doing as well as possible. i will try drop in later to check some other threads too



~ waves ~

I'm so sorry that you have been going through a difficult time. I hope that you feel better soon. I hope that things go better soon.

I've been having a hard time expressing myself resently. My words have been few. I'm sorry for this. BF

Oh Waves, there's nothing to forgive:I could never be upset with you. I was just trying to make the point about how hard you can be on yourself. What you are able to accomplish while dealing with your depression is nothing short of amazing. I just wish that:

(1) You'd stop feeling guilt and shame about having a MEDICAL CONDITION. Folks don't feel guilty about having arthritis or asthma.

(2) You'd give yourself some credit for everything you manage to do while managing your condition. If someone with a cardiac condition climbed a flight of stairs, we'd all applaud...

I'm clapping like a rabid seal for you!!!

Dear Steve
no need to be sorry. i understand how it is not to be able to post ... it happens to me sometimes. i was glad to read that you had a good birthday and i hope you continue to have brighter days.

thank you so much for your note of support. it means a lot to me.

Dear Hockey
i am glad you are not upset with me.

you know the guilt / shame is not about any condition per se. but for iinstance, right now, i can't help feeling like i went and screwed things up...

first, i did think about the class before hand and could have chosen not to make any benzo reductions until that class was over (assuming i got in). second... i can't help thinking sometimes there is a performance anxiety thing involved that... well, goes beyond a true "medical condition."

example. freshman year college. i wanted to sing. signed up for choir (required) and made appointment with voice instructor for audition for voice class. the day before the audition i got a sore throat. i rescheduled for 2 weeks later. throat cleared up in ample time. but again, the day before the audition i came down with another heck of sore throat. actual, physical symptoms! but... coincidence or psychosomatic?

i can't help wondering if something similar happened, with this class. those voice lessons were important to me, personally. this class was a one-shot deal also, and would have made a big difference in my marketability for the work force. see what i'm saying?

as for the other thing... yes. i need to try and give myself some credit and... thank you - i am grinning trying to imagine a rabid seal clapping, right now. you funny gal, you!

thanks so much for sticking with me. hope you're holding out ok.

~ waves ~

waves, I just wanted to leave you a hug and say how much you are appreciated around here. (((waves)))