[waves]

i don't know if i'm getting depressed or what.

i thought it was sleep deprivation. my sleep has been all over the map which per se is common, but i was trying to restore a day schedule, so getting less sleep. i've been more and more tired, and drinking more coffee with less and less effect. but i haven't been THAT short on sleep, either! (Today, no coffee because i was upset and slightly agitated.)

i am tapering a benzo. i know that could cause some anxiety tenseness. perhaps some emotional stuff. but it seems unlikely it would cause all this. i am tapering very slowly, and it's a long acting drug.

i am so sensitive to everything, and today i broke down and cried and cried after one tiny incident. i am barely enjoying "recreational" things that i do - even really passive things like a couple favorite tv shows. i still watch but blithely. then, i get real emotional at every nuance (good or bad... no matter.) but i am getting more and more impervious to humor.

after today, it really seems like i am heading down a depression hole. i don't really want to go on antidepressants again - well, last resort. considering some "softer" alternatives ... if i can only get myself to the pharmacy! today i just cried and slept.

i am not suicidal but can't seem to get any sort of act together. i was in the process of trying to get into a class, one that will help make me more marketable for employment again. and now, i can't seem to take even the tiniest steps to gathering the documentation i need.

i don't feel like i can do the whole "suck the marrow out of life" thing. i feel hopeless and lost. i feel like life is sucking the marrow out of me.

~ waves ~

[mistiis]

Awwwwww....dear Waves, I'm so sorry you are going through this, and really glad I stopped by tonight. I don't know how much experience you have tapering benzos. It can be horrendous, especially with the long acting ones. It will definately totally mess with your sleep patterns, cause anxiety, depression and many other problems. Have you read any of Dr. Ashton's material? She runs clinics in the UK, and her info is very helpful. It can be harder for some than others. It took me a full year to taper off one myself and maintain some kind of balance. She has a good website and I have seen her answer e-mails as well.

Another thing I wonder about is how well you are "taking care if YOU". You help so many here and you may need an emotional break. Just a thought. Sometimes we can reach for others and other times we need someone to reach for us. You may need a little help getting off that benzo.

I am sure you are aware as I am how VERY important the right kind of sleep is for our emotional balance. Is the sleep you are getting "good" balanced sleep, at all levels? I find that to be sooooooo very important!!!!

It also sounds like you could be stressing with class?? The future possibilty of a job?? Changes are so stressful!

I just want you to know I am thinking of you, saying a prayer, and hoping this will help some. I hope things get better for you, and I am here for you. (((hugs))). I will check in on you tomorrow. <3 <3 <3 xxxooo

[thelonely1]

I'm sorry you're feeling down Waves.

I don't know much about benzos, but I hope and pray you are not getting depressed. I can understand why you don't want to be on antidepressants, all those darn side effects, and even then there's no guarantee they'll work. I hope your softer treatments work.

Originally Posted by waves

i am so sensitive to everything, and today i broke down and cried and cried after one tiny incident. i am barely enjoying "recreational" things that i do - even really passive things like a couple favorite tv shows. i still watch but blithely. then, i get real emotional at every nuance (good or bad... no matter.) but i am getting more and more impervious to humor.

I know so well how this feels, but have never been able to describe it; thank you sharing it. At the very least, you can post here and know that someone will be able to empathize and care; and that is the best depression treatment that i've been able to find.

I hope that tomorrow brings happier thoughts to you. I'll be sure to some extra prayers for you.

[waves]

thank you both, Misti and Lonely1 for your replies...

Dear Misti,

regarding the benzo... i based my taper plan on the guidelines provided in the Ashton Manual, and also, as noted in the manual, it is flexible based on the needs of the moment. e.g. when i was a little hyper before Christmas i stayed at the same dose for a good while.

regarding the "effect" on sleep, my sleep has been "all over the map" more often than not... when i was on a fixed dose of the benzo, not on any benzo... not on any meds... goes back decades. i'm afraid that is just a "feature" of mine! i tend to be a night owl, but have to try to set myself up for day hours. right now, it is because of that class.

now, i don't rule out the possibility that the last step down on the benzo could be contributing to my sleeping a bit less - that happened early in the taper too. but it was producing a decreased need for sleep - that is, sleeping a little less but without being tired. the being tired i believe comes from me trying to impose a schedule on the sleep i think.

i did not expect depression to be a side effect. but it could be the stress from the class. fear. i will have to think about this. one is not supposed to go backwards in a taper but i have only just stepped down by 2 drops 2 evenings ago and i could just consider these two anomalous doses, return to previous dose and hold until i am done with the class, or if i can't get in, until i feel better and not so tired.

i have had some agitation but i blame that on notching up the coffee to keep me awake during the day... it didn't really touch the fatigue, but it made me feel squirmy inside.

emotional overload... from the forums... it is something to think about. i tend to think not though. i don't participate unless i feel i can. hmmm.....

i much appreciate your insights, kind thoughts and prayers ... and checking in with me.

i hope you are well.

~ waves ~

[waves]

Dear Lonely1

thank you also for your kind words of support and encouragement, and prayers.

yes i am indeed wanting to avoid some of the side effects of anti-depressants... although i will accept some Zoloft for a period if push comes to shove. The softer treatments i was thinking of were along the lines of St. John's Wort and 5-HTP (5-hydroxytryptophan) which is the derivative of tryptophan and precursor to serotonin... should have similar effect to SSRIs. it is sometimes added to melatonin preparations, and i was thinking of trying melatonin to reset my circadian rhythm (what rhythm... ok, to SET my circadian rhythm!) The other thing i could try is an herb - St. John's Wort, but its efficacy is limited to mild/moderate depression... i would have to get this going before i end up in the total black zone if you know what i mean. as it is perhaps i should have started it earlier. but this crept up on me. honestly, i think i didn't want to believe it and kept telling myself i was just tired.

Originally Posted by thelonely1

I know so well how this feels, but have never been able to describe it; thank you sharing it.

i am glad the description was helpful. (not glad you have experienced it, doesn't it suck?)

At the very least, you can post here and know that someone will be able to empathize and care; and that is the best depression treatment that i've been able to find.

yes, it helps a lot. people who haven't experienced depression often cannot relate... in fact sometimes it is disturbing. i cannot, for instance, talk about not wanting to face another day (even if i make clear i am not suicidal) or not having a life force at home... they get very upset sometimes overtly, sometimes they don't show it but you can tell it overwhelms them. it isn't their fault.

thanks again. hope you're holding up well yourself. take care.

~ waves ~

[Brokenfriend]

You might not want to taper off the Benzos at this time. I've been going through the same thing almost that you are describing. Hang in there.
BF

[waves]

Dear Steve,

Thank you for your suggestion. I've been thinking on that too, after Misti's post, and I know you've been through some rough times with the benzo's. So, tonight i will resume the dose i was at 2 nights ago, and just hold there till things are better. And, no coffee.

The calamity in Haiti has been getting to me as well.

last week's session i talked to pdoc about being tired, and needing to get into that class. anyway yesterday i was a mess and now i am realizing this is soooo NOT JUST sleep deprivation. I called him yesterday, but as i also needed to confirm my appointment, i don't think he 'got' that i really needed to talk to him when i said, i think there's more going on than sleep... he said, ok, we'll talk about it next week and i got tongue-tied and let him go. i tried to call the clinic just now but he is doing rounds. i don't know if i will have the guts to call again. i am all tense now.

i'm sorry you too are going through something like this Steve. you hang in there too and let us hope things get brighter soon, somehow.



~ waves ~

[waves]

i sent pdoc a text message to pls call me not about the appointment time but because i am i at wits end. he called. i talked to him.

he said, at this point, best to start Zoloft immediately (i have some left over from last time i took it) rather than try softer options.

and he confirmed to suspend the taper of the benzo.

~ waves ~

[FeelinGoofy]

Waves...... I'm sorry you are having to deal with this....zoloft saved my life a few years ago...well that and counseling... I'll remember you in my prayers.

[mymorgy]

Originally Posted by waves

i don't know if i'm getting depressed or what.

i thought it was sleep deprivation. my sleep has been all over the map which per se is common, but i was trying to restore a day schedule, so getting less sleep. i've been more and more tired, and drinking more coffee with less and less effect. but i haven't been THAT short on sleep, either! (Today, no coffee because i was upset and slightly agitated.)

i am tapering a benzo. i know that could cause some anxiety tenseness. perhaps some emotional stuff. but it seems unlikely it would cause all this. i am tapering very slowly, and it's a long acting drug.

i am so sensitive to everything, and today i broke down and cried and cried after one tiny incident. i am barely enjoying "recreational" things that i do - even really passive things like a couple favorite tv shows. i still watch but blithely. then, i get real emotional at every nuance (good or bad... no matter.) but i am getting more and more impervious to humor.

after today, it really seems like i am heading down a depression hole. i don't really want to go on antidepressants again - well, last resort. considering some "softer" alternatives ... if i can only get myself to the pharmacy! today i just cried and slept.

i am not suicidal but can't seem to get any sort of act together. i was in the process of trying to get into a class, one that will help make me more marketable for employment again. and now, i can't seem to take even the tiniest steps to gathering the documentation i need.

i don't feel like i can do the whole "suck the marrow out of life" thing. i feel hopeless and lost. i feel like life is sucking the marrow out of me.

~ waves ~

I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't know what to say about medication. I am extremely depressed and still taking antidepressants so how can i tell you to try different antidepressants? Are you on antipsychotics? I can't remember. There must be some drug that will help stabilize you but not necessarily make you feel better. The only thing i am looking forward to right now is my class in qi dong(sp)....last time I felt energy was released and i had a high and was floating. Have you ever tried it? It was magical. who knows, that was just my second time and maybe a fluke but that was the first time in ages I felt alive.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBvF6...eature=related
DON'T PUT ANY PRESSURE ON YOURSELF.....
Love
Bobby