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Im thinking im wondering....im searching for some understanding.
And what i know is ,,,,that in a stable state of mind no one thinks that no one loves them...because it simply isnt a possibility...someone loves everyone.
Now being a person who has suffered both sides of the coin . someone who has been as low as low could go . someone who felt helpless and hopeless, i understand in retrospect how these feelings can encompass every through process you have. and If you are not a person strong enough to face rejection, than you are not a person strong enough to risk it.AGAIN
In the mind of someone hurting this badly ,the thought of another rejection, another failure, another heart break, another loss, another death, can be the finial nail in the coffin
DEPRESSION in it's self is a mental illness

here is the definition of mental illness

A mental disorder or mental illness is a psychological or behavioural pattern that occurs in an individual and is thought to cause distress or disability that is not expected as part of normal development or culture
It is reasonably clear that there can be chronic mental malfunction, when people's capacities to respond to the world, to absorb and remember information, respond with appropriate emotions, and form coherent plans are impaired. What is not so clear is that the mind can be the self-contained locus of an illness, or whether mental mal-function should always be thought of as the by-product of physical or bodily illness or impairment. If the former, then the mind might be cured by mental means, such as conversation with a therapist. If the latter, the only effective responses would be medical or pharmacological. So the issue has practical as well as purely philosophical importance.

Anyway, it is difficult to view the actions of my brother and not see that he had a choice.....but the reality is that....WHEN THINKING THE WAY SEAN THOUGHT.....YOU DONT HAVE A CHOICE . your mind is not telling you you have a choice, your heart isnt strong enough to fight for you your will is broken, your pride is broken,,, and who you are disappears into the fog of depression.
And who you are is smothered by what takes over.......that being the will to end the pain. the sad voice, the poision of the brain...that we all feel at some point in our lives
trust me it takes a frikin STrONG person to do what my brother did to himself/.....it wasnt lack of strength....it was lack of stability, and ability to hold on to what was real and look at life through a clear set of eyes

so with these thoughts today im am writing what i feel.
today i realize that dealing with someone who takes their life in it's self can cause mental illness."FOR US THE SURVIVORS" it causes a person to feel unstable.it causes a person who normally hold on to there stability with the grip of a vice, to loose, to lelt go of their grip. to get lost in the pain of not understanding, to not be able to make sense of the misunderstood action of the one they love that took there life. is like taking the lives of those u love and shattering us like glass.
It makes you feel unheld by security, it makes you realize the very very vulnerable state of the human mind.
And how easily, if not for yourself, but for others, life can break a person down A person that doesnt have the ability to function through there pain. And hold on to the reality of what they have in their life to offer them hope and a way to the flip side of the coin.
I don't judge my brothers actions today.
today i feel for his insecurity, i feel for his pain, i feel for his inability to find the light at the end of his tunnel. today i feel sorry that Sean was a victim of a mental illness that wasnt discovered until it was to late for him to fix