I am "awash" with hungry company so I don't have time right this minute to respond to both Tom and David but I do have a lot to say.....and I thank you both for your honesty...not sure I can/should/or will, be as honest when I have time to respond....hugs for the room.

Tom:

I read what you wrote. Deep deep deep stuff going on in your brain.

We are most definitely not on the same level intelligence wise, but I have to try and explain my sentiments.

I've had so much crap happen to me, it's not even funny. Been betrayed, been lied to by a friend after 46 years of friendship. Loved and lost (many times), heart broken by my son. Been morbidly obese because that's how I chose to cope. Had all kinds of health problems. Lots of pain, sciatica, degenerative joint disease, a temporary bout with diabetic neuropathy (fixed by taking Methyl B-12 every morning).

I'm the kind of person who has to fix myself. If I know I can change something in myself to help myself, I'll do it.

I'm a type 2 diabetic. I had been on meds for 22 years. No wake up call there. I just ate and self medicated and took my meds. I listened when everyone said "You know if you lost weight, it would help with your diabetes".

Did I listen? Of course not. Perhaps I wasn't ready to listen.

I am presently 62. Hopefully I'll turn 63 on November 4th.

But I did one thing that changed me. I decided to live the rest of my life as healthfully as I could because just because I believe in God, it doesn't mean I want to meet up with him face to face until I have to.

I am now off insulin for the first time in 5 years. I have had to learn a completely new way of eating. Not easy, but I'll do it. Why wouldn't I do it? It's in my best interest to do this.

I have so many things I have to do yet, I have no time to be depressed. And believe me, I have reasons to be depressed. But my brain doesn't work that way. It took me a long long time to get to this point. I could have ate myself to death and weighed 400 lbs.

I spoke to many professionals. Many health professionals. I went on the internet. I researched what I head to research. I knew that all the foods that are available to us are destroying is. The real food is what nature gave us, not what is on the shelf in a supermarket.

And all the meds that many of us are on, well what would happen if we ate right and got healthy and didn't need diabetic meds any more? The pharmaceutical companies would go out of business wouldn't they.

But they fund this and that (just like Big Tobacco), and until people realize that in order to be healthier we have to stop putting nasty stuff in our bodies, well, we are not going down a good road.

I take the time to look at pretty flowers when I go for a walk. I see too many people on their cell phones, texting, doing whatever they think is more important than taking the time to pass a sweet little baby and smile at them.

People are so into themselves they can't see what is happening in our world. The young ones are destroying themselves on social networks, putting all their business out for the whole world to see. It would never occur to them to keep things private. God forbid they would do this. There are more narcissistic people now than ever before.

But I don't care. I don't care what anyone else does. I care how I treat my body and my soul.

If I see an injustice when I go out for a walk, I will speak up. If I see someone mistreating someone I will speak up. I am joyous when my neighbor's 20 year daughter says 'Hey Melody, how are you" and she seems to mean it.

I tend to attract more people with my kind of personality than others who are self-involved. I don't go near any of those.

We have to get OUT of ourselves. We have to go gently into that good night, or so the saying goes.

If we are alone, all by ourselves and we don't reach out, what do we accomplish? Who do we help?

I think the mere action of smiling at the beautiful face of a child accomplishes MUCH.

And when a baby smiles back, all is well.

Doing that heals my soul and helps to put me in a better frame of reference. I then can continue my walk, which is good for my diabetes, good for my heart, well, just good all around.

Sure, I have arthritis, degenerative this and that, WHATEVER?? Hey, I'm 62, I'm not a 20 year old.

But I will tell you one thing. I wouldn't go back to being that 20 year old if you paid me. My brain was much different way back then.

I've learned much in the past 40 or so years.

I learned that the universe does not revolve around me. That we revolve around the universe.

So when I see a beautiful sky, or beautiful flowers, or a baby smiling, I cherish the beauty.

There IS beauty in life.

And to paraphrase Oprah, Long after we leave this earth, it's not what you did that people will remember, it's how you made THEM FEEL!!

I really do believe this.

Take care, Melody

Melody-
You reached out and you helped me feel good, warm, cozy, appreciative, loving, and so many other things. Gratefulness is one thing which seems sometimes to be in short supply, and in your writing, I felt blessed. Share a smile with another [child young or old], help someone, greet someone who seems maybe to pre-occupied because in the greeting they will be connected to a face of another for just a moment. Yeah, I get it.

Oh the Camus, Jean Paul Sartre, Dostoevsky folks of the world can and have written much of existential thought, and I am mindful of one who in a story of that line awakened on his back transformed into a bug, unable to move. Not the most comforting of poses. Been there, studied that. Wrote the obligatory papers, and to this day I find being alongside another who has life in their grasp and ready to share with others much more rewarding to me. It feels good. Kinda like sitting with my Alzheimers ailing father weekend before last.... it just felt good. Just as it feels good to share with Tom, David, you, Alffe, and others on here. Life is much about the living of it, and so much more rewarding if that is my focus than regret, either past tense or future tense.

Thank you Melody,
Mark56

Hi Mark

What did that old Frank Sinatra song say: 'Regrets, I have a few" then something about a highway, then it goes on to say 'MY WAY"

God, my brain is on overtime with all my sprouts. lol

But I have learned to make a new MY WAY, if you get my drift.

And MY WAY is now to get up every single morning, get dressed and go out for breakfast and meet up with other people and the cafe even gives you the newspaper. So there we all meet up (and it could be raining, snowing, hailing or sunning, EVERYBODY SHOWS UP, and we all say "Hi, how are you doing?" and we drink our coffee and eat our breakfast and we all talk about what's in the newspapers, and what was on tv and what's happening in the world.

I find this little bit of socialization very nice and comfortable. And I bring my sprouts in a ziplock bag and dump them on my breakfast sandwich.

And of course someone goes "oooh, what are those??" and then Melody goes and gives a sprout lesson in the cafe.

It's hysterical.

Saturday, a guy came in and announced "I'm from California and I lost 180 lbs" "I'm now a motivational speaker" Imagine, a complete stranger walks in and shakes everyone's hand and is smiling and feeling SO good about himself.

Someone said "Meet Melody, she lost over 100 lbs". I laughed and shook the guy's hand. He then whips out an old fattie photo of him and says "you HAVE to see this, guess where I'm going on Sunday?" Of course we all had no idea and he blurts out "I'm attending my 25 high school reunion and I weighed almost 400 lbs back then"

I said "oh my god, no one's going to recognize you" We all laughed.

Strangers, coming together, in a cafe and laughing. And most of them over 60 AND NOT ONE ON A CELL PHONE. I loved that aspect. No furious texting, etc.

lol

Melody

Coming on here this morning and reading all of your posts is so comforting to me...it's somehow easier to share with our written words and our "hidden" identities. It's reassuring to "see/feel" the progress (as in feeling better)

"hands on"...holding a newly grieving survivor is wrenching at times because you know how long and difficult this journey of grief is going to be for them...and of course, you don't want to say that to them.

Tonight Mr.Alffe and I are going to hear Dr. Wolfelt speak and tomorrow I'm going to an all day seminar with Dr.Wolfelt on "sudden death..including suicide". I hope to share his insights with you all.

I still have little time...hungry company getting up for breakfast but I did want to admit that my ace in the hole was always "suicide"....when it got to be more than I could bare...I'd end it! And then Michael did that and took my plans away forever. Knowing what his action did to all of us, I could not put my loved ones through that again. So, sometimes, like a giant sloth...I just dig in my heels and trudge forward......

Hugs for the room.

I thank you so very much for all that you share with us Alffe. You are a part of who I am today.

Addy

Well I really can't hit the Thanks button on that post Tom...it's much to graphic for me and needs the trigger icon I think. I hope that you feel better after sharing all of that...some of it reminded me of Derek Humphry's book...not sure I remembered his name correctly or if he's the one that included "recipes". There are countless ways to end our lives..last year a prominent citizen here got into his car with a gas grill and many people raved about his originality...his wife and children were not so impressed. I think I'll go have a cup of coffee....(((Tom)))

Not to digress either, but ADDY, ARE YOU SPROUTING YET???

lol
Melody

Please don't give up on diaganosis. I wouldn't want to end my life unless all possible avenues are explored, and they said I was terminal. I do believe however that the individual knows their body better than anyone else. If you sence you are going down hill, that is the time to put all effort into finding the correct diaganosis. There is help for many many diseases, trial studies too. If you feel your current doctors are of no help, consider mayo clinic. This center will get to the bottom of your medical issues. Please keep in touch, you are not alone. There are people on this list that can offer other advice. The senior members have the most information, and can offer more resourses. Keep posting and tap back to me anytime you want. ginnie

Hmm. I'm feeling a need for Tom to check in.