Thank you, Rae, for your insightful, moving, care giving as only you can.... post. We all can use a spur to the other meadow to see whether life there is exactly the same, or whether different perspective does bring along new thought patterns, new observations, another look at the meaning our life brings to others.

In my talk this week, I did go through the suicidal ideation, the thoughts about ending pain for self and family, only to be brought to the realization that ending one pain sets another in motion. I rather like David's stone in the ocean. Gives one much about which to think..... whom do I affect with my actions?

As for Colorado, yes there are apothecaries which under regulation do dispense medically prescribed marijuana. I understand even Chiros legitimately write for the products. That tends to bring a certain offense to the MD community, of which I have a good many neighbors. I will not try the stuff. Avoided it during college, and see no reason to take it up now.

Yep, you brought goodness to light in your post Rae,
Thank you,
Mark56

Please don't give up on diaganosis. I wouldn't want to end my life unless all possible avenues are explored, and they said I was terminal. I do believe however that the individual knows their body better than anyone else. If you sence you are going down hill, that is the time to put all effort into finding the correct diaganosis. There is help for many many diseases, trial studies too. If you feel your current doctors are of no help, consider mayo clinic. This center will get to the bottom of your medical issues. Please keep in touch, you are not alone. There are people on this list that can offer other advice. The senior members have the most information, and can offer more resourses. Keep posting and tap back to me anytime you want. ginnie

Hmm. I'm feeling a need for Tom to check in.

Everyone:

I want to thank you for your concern. I had to go absent for a while and try to come up with some money. I failed, so my economic situation is becoming desperate. If you know anybody who needs writing/editing work, I would certainly appreciate your sending them my way.

Garbage on top of garbage; hills, mountains of garbage. On October 28, I decided I had had enough. I went someplace not far away. It was cold; I was wearing my winter coat. I pulled the hood over my head, pulled the cords so that the hood covered my face. In four seconds or so, I would be free.

That's when … a young couple arrived, sat down. They were playing rap music on a radio and drinking beer. We said hello, nice couple actually, and I waited.

Well, I waited and waited. I refuse to end my life with anybody around; they would probably feel responsible in some way, try to stop me, or be wrongfully implicated. These two were partying. After more than 40 minutes, I realized they were going to stay until dark, so I went home. I wonder … were they there, shall we say, for more than coincidental reasons? Or, was it simply one more in a long, long series of frustrations, irritations, and failures? Put crudely, was something better coming along, and I had been saved for it? Maybe, I'll have an answer this month. My money won't hold out beyond that.

Anyway, I wasn't totally convinced that I had been spared for a purpose. I have had too many downturns and setbacks not to be cynical. So, I went back to the same place the following day.

People came and went the entire afternoon. Finally, after 3 hours, I was alone. Dusk was starting. Nobody would see me – nobody. I pulled the cords to tighten the hood around my face so that I could not see what I was going to do. Four seconds, then freedom. Everything was ready, including a note I had written. I paused, listened to my breathing, my heart beating, the sounds of birds and leaves in trees around me, and the distant traffic. The moment I had waited for, planned for, was here.

That's when … I realized that I do not want to die. I want to live. An amazing realization – as shallow as it is deep. Waves brought it up in an earlier post. Only, I experienced it this time emotionally, not rationally. It was a protoplasmic decision, if such a thing is possible. It turned my life around. Whether it will stay that way depends now on a few things outside my control; I know I shouldn't think that, but it's true. We Americans are tempted to say that everything is ultimately in our control -- but it isn't. One thing is now certain: if the failures and frustrations continue and I take my own life, it will not be done voluntarily.

I should note that most definitions of suicide require that it be "voluntarily" done, as opposed to being forced. Sorry, "voluntarily" is not the opposite of "forced" -- that's what my experience taught me. Let's say you take your life, and outer events are not forcing you (such as the 9/11 fire). I think that even in that case, it is possible that you do not take your life voluntarily, i.e., you must force yourself to do it. Thus, you can truly kill yourself against your will – involuntarily - apart from being forced to do so by an outside event.

The problem is, "voluntarily" has many meanings. For example, if you mean it in the sense of a will completely free from unconscious impulsions and physical reflexes, well, I don't think anybody who commits suicide is entirely free of such things: in truth, nobody is. Ergo, if you stick literally with that formalistic meaning, nobody commits suicide.

Anyway, an incredibly strong desire to live is there inside me despite physical discomfort and weaknesses, despite grave money problems, despite, well, everything. Is that "despite" what makes us humans and not some other animal? You want to live despite it all: that is a basic starting point, sort of a protoplasmic assumption on which all other assumptions are made and find meaning. The meaning of meaning, if you will.

Tom

This is just an incredible post in so many ways Tom. Your insight, your honesty...your ability willingness to share here..you truely are a "survivor" and I pray that you continue to be. (you also brought our Lara back..now if David will show up...*grin)

My day is going to be a lot brighter because of what you posted and I thank you.

I wish I had news of editing/writing work to give you. You have obvious talent and ability in that area..the economy is terrible as you well know.

Welcome "home"...please stay in touch and I'm so glad you made that
"protoplasmic decision".....

Congratulations Tom You made the hard, right, good decision.

I'm so glad you came to this realization dear Tom!

Money problems just suck and drag us deep, don't they... arrrgh!

Addy

So glad you checked in ((Tom)).

So many of us are struggling financially right now. Please don't feel alone in that.

Thanks for your comment, Doody. I wish I were only struggling financially ...

As mentioned in a previous post, I am fed up with Lyrica. I take 75 mg twice per day. It does a wonderful job of killing the pain in my right leg and ankle, but the price is supreme fatigue, depression, and inability to concentrate. Two nights ago, I woke up sweating, breathing quickly -- sort of a panic attack without the panic. So, as I noted a month ago, I'm anxiously looking for alternatives.

Doximama mentioned (see this string, page 10) taking 50 mg daily of the painkiller elavil. A doctor friend suggested I take 100 to 150 mg per day, that it would make me sleepy, which is O.K. if I take it at night. He also said elavil is often mixed with prolixin, 1 to 5 mg per day. Does anybody out there have experience with that mixture? If so, what happened?

As always, I thank everybody for your advice and DISsent.

Tom