Good!!!! good!!! good!!!!

I find this thread so encouraging!

Im really sorry to bring this thread back...

Specially these days...

Please ignore it if you dont fell like reading it... I just needed to talk/write...

Today is one of those days when I feel like I could scream my pain and everybody would be just looking at me like "whatever" you know...

One of those days when you feel so tired of fighting... and more importantly, you dont feel like you have something to fight for...

I was reading a blog about dreams... about reaching them... and... I just felt doomy... like, I will never reach my dreams...

I tried to pray, but to be honest with you, I dont think I have any faith left... it is not the first time that I feel that God doesnt exist... I try to believe, but after some months... I insist... nobody is there...

I came here because I know you understand my feelings... I feel... a hole ? like, Im nothing...?

And, here it comes the question... why do I have to stay here if I dont want to ?? I know it is selfish... but well... I would gladly donate all my organs to somebody that might be waiting out there and that wants to live...

I have told you this more than once and Im going to say it again... I dont see a purpose for my life...

Anger is a good thing!!! You still have feelings!!!

I know you say you feel empty... that's a feeling too!!

These things let you know that you are alive!!!

Even if you feel like you are never going to reach them...I know you don't feel like it, but you still have dreams!! They are still there!!! You are still working toward them!!! You can still reach them!!!

I just heard of an 80yr old man who just graduated from college. You have a long way to go before reaching his age. You have lots of time to make your dreams come true.

You asked why do you stay here if you don't want to.... I believe you are staying because you have way more fight in you and are way stronger than you believe and are willing to give yourself credit for!!!


I know you deal with a lot on a daily basis... but you have accomplished so much! You may not see it because you are standing in the middle of it all, but those around you see it!! They may not pat you on the back, shake your hand, or congratulate you for your successes but they do see it!! It is true that these same people are probably the first ones to point out your errors and/or deficiencies. While there is always someone that wants to see us fail...I feel that the majority of these people are either jealous of you or want you to excel beyond what they are able to communicate!!

Being selfish is okay for somethings... but I don't see you as a selfish person at all.... SUICIDE is selfish. I know... I walk a similar path as you...suicide is my constant companion.

I have said for a long time that if I died that no one would care....but deep down inside I know that is not true.... I think you know this too.

I also have said I don't anyone to hurt because of me... SUICIDE does HURT.. not only us, but those we leave behind....and that doesn't always mean those that are close to us. It often hurts those whose life path has crossed ours at one time or another.

Please... stop, step back, take a deep breath.... tomorrow is another day. I know if you choose not to be in it... it will hurt a lot of people... me included.


Abbie

Thank you for your message Abbie. You are very wise and I knew you were going to understand me and see things from a different angle and, help me feel better...

Im just laying in bed thinking... or, trying not to think... I dont feel like doing anything and, for some unknown reason, I feel angry with my parents... dont know, maybe because Ive always thought they dont understand me, or even worse, they dont try to understand me...

They are just there, watching tv... while Im here suffering you know...

Im tired of my life... I think that resumes all... argh... Im even tired of pushing myself to try to be happy...

To make things worse... I HATE THE NYE... !!!

Blue///if you do only one thing today.......do this.........

QUIT the anger towards your parents.........anger leads to resentment.....and more anger and more missery for YOU


LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE, without thought for their approval or their concern............


Wilst you sit there worrying about them....ask the question are they sat around worrying about me?.............now move on.

sounds harsh..........but life is far to short..

when they notice you living independently and strongly......they may interact better.

David

BlueM, I haven been here before but looked in and read last posts here. I am 59 to give you some history. I have had periods of dark thoughts lately with my chronic illness taking more away from me. But before I was ill, when I was young I went thru times espcially very young that I felt somewhat like you. I was very very angry at my parents, maternal grandparents for failing to keep me safe. Putting anger out in the world may be frustrating for others but it is better than keeping it in.

You may have every right to be angry at your parents. I certainly did. Some days I still have frustration with my mom when she is unable to communicate with me but will with my brother. She feels guilt around not protecting me so it is easier to still after all these years keep me at arms length. Thankfully I became just the opposite and keep my girls and grandbabies close and love them up every chance I get.

Go into the world and find what makes you comfortable and one day happy. It may take some time and be opposite all that is around you but you can find it. I discovered that writing had a chemcial affect on me. I'd wake full of emotion, energy even and I'd take some paper and start writing with no purpose or goal. Years later now I have my journal by me all the time. It is my trusted friend.

When I hear the phrase "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" I remember a couple times that the pain was so overwhelming it didnt feel temporary. It felt endless and hopeless. But I am here. I have 2 amazing daughters and 5 grandchildren that give me hope and a sense of faith in tomorrow when I have trouble getting there now that I am ill.

I am sending you a gentle hug. Some times when I am alone and need a hug I have learned to have a special blanket and comfey cllothes to wrap my self in for that needed hug......and love.

Annie59

Well said Abbie. Love, Barbo

Welcome to my world.

I completely feel the same way. Only reason, I think, that I go on is because I want to outlive my father and my dog, but sometimes that doesn't seem to be enough.

Sorry for hijacking your thread, just your quote rang so true to my life. Today, I was thinking (just thinking) about suicide, and one way I was thinking of was the way the old man in the new Wall Street movie did it; but then I think maybe it would hurt and I would fail somehow. But that scene keeps replaying in my mind.

Resentment... that's the word... I wasnt sure if it existed in english... I have resentment against life in general... I feel like it is unfair... I keep fighting and fail every time... I try to be happy, and I always end in a black hole...

Miserable... Im so miserable... I hate everything... dont find joy in anything... and when I do, it never lasts...

*sigh*

I dont even talk to God anymore... Every day Im worse and worse...

I swear I try... I just cant...

Thank you for sharing Annie... You cant imagine how much I wish I could have a family... with 2 daughters... But that is not gonna happen... First, I have never had a partner and I dont think I ever will... and second, haha, because I have trouble with my ovaries so... yeah... that's a dream I will never reach you know...

July, as you can see, Im in a very dark time and, wish I have some words of hope but I dont, so... the only thing I can do, is, send you some hugs...

I have always thought that opening the gas and fall asleep would be the easiest suicide... just saying...

Thank you everyone !

Oh sweetie... Life is unfair..(I hate saying that and hate to hear it too but it is true) if it were fair we would all be alike. That would lead to a very boring world.

I'm sorry you are dealing with resentment... I understand your feelings... I've been there a few times too... ok, more than a few. I have finally learned, though it isn't easy to do, that I can't let what someone else may or may not think of me run my life. Even if it is my family.

My younger brother and his wife want nothing to do with me and have even called me crazy and psycho to my face. I can only imagine what they call me behind my back. Yes, this bothered me for a long time. Now, I just don't give them much thought. It doesn't mean that I don't love my brother because I do... very much! But I can't let their opinion of me bring me down. I know what I am doing to help myself....I am taking medicines and going to therapy.


Hate is such a strong word... I bet if you step back and think.. you really don't hate. It is true that joy doesn't last and as hard as it is, we have to find what makes us happy and pursue that... whether it's work, education, friends, family, hobbies, or a multitude of other things.

It could be as simple as smiling at everyone we pass on any given day. Try it...it's pretty cool to see how you feel at the end of the day... and I bet that you make the day of at least one person.

As far as God... I too often struggle with this subject... I am currently in a mental debate---does He exist? Who is He?

But I was told don't worry... you don't have to talk to him... he knows your heart. Also, there is nothing saying you have to talk nicely to Him. If you want to yell, scream, rant, or rave to Him that's ok too... You can be angry with Him... He understands this too.

Hun... please... gas is not the answer... lack of oxygen is painful... and it not only hurts you.... it poses danger to everyone around you. You don't want to hurt and you don't want to hurt anyone.... You are stronger than you know.

You have fought so hard for what you are studying at Uni... You are already as success!!! Keep fighting... show everyone that you can do it!!

As far as a partner and a family.... Someone will find you when the time is right!! Also... while having a biological family is nice... adoption is GREAT too!! I have a good friend who has adopted 4 and you would never know that they are not her biological children.... they are family and dare anyone to say any different.

You, my dear, have a lot of love in your heart... Yes... I can see it. Please give yourself a break... be kind to you! You are a great young lady who is going to leave her mark on this crazy, mixed up world and I can't wait to see it!!!!!


Abbie