Suicide has so many layers for those who are left behind...we have the anger (mine was raging at God) but I was VERY angry at Michael for making that choice, and the guilt..mothers aren't supposed to bury their children...we are supposed to protect them, and I shopped around for someone to blame (his financee..his ex...God again) It took years to sort it all out and arrive at acceptance.

When I reread this post I am reminded of someone at the meeting last Tues. night who had such an emotional reaction to my using the word "choice"..I said to me it was the ultimate F you...that he would choose death over life. She sobbed, "some people who suicide feel like they have no choice. :( And she is right..I'll be more careful next time, more specific..that I was talking about Michael choosing.

This is the is the problem... it is the ultimate hurt (I think you know this), hurt me real bad... so how could I do this to someone else? Yet I was the only ******* in the family that got married... so now I'm stuck in the middle..
Maybe I am depressed, or maybe i'm angry...but I'm tired of hurting these days.. physically hurting(didn't see too much on that in the article), from a stupid nerve issue, that (amusingly) is not fatal. go figure...

ds..how long has it been since their deaths? Do you have any support besides your Indian friend? Have you ever tried a support group? They known what you are feeling because they are or have been there. All the things you are feeling...well, I don't know about physically hurting..are normal. The pain is crushing. (((ds))) :grouphug:

17 years and 1 year.. I really don't hang out with my friends much anymore, basicly don't do much of anything anymore.. have not tried a support group, not usually a talker, kind of like being quiet and not seen,

So many of us turn to ourselves. Be a good friend to you. Do you have any hobbies? That is sometimes a way to get out more. Me, I have my yoga class and I love my garden. My little sunflower seedlings are popped up and the tomatos are gobbling up the sun. I have never heard my tomatoes say a bad thing about me.

Sometimes I fish if I feel up to it.. depends how I feel... fish don't say bad things either, but I bet they think it...

It is, Both the mental and physical.. Always thought I was stronger than that, was gonna do better, was gonna grow up and have a better life, like I dreamed of... Now I just hurt, got enough pain meds to have a block party, tired of them, don't want anymore. To feel somewhat decent means no energy to do anything, even if I wanted to. Fail :Sigh: :Sigh:

Fish can think?? Hmmmmmmmmm:D I don't know your dx dns but if you are on heavy duty pain meds I know you have something "awful". People who have to live daily with pain are imho, very courageous just to rise each morning and face another day. Now throw in surviving a loved ones suicide and you have all the ingredients for severe depression.

Depression won't go away.not by itself..and depression caused by grief is a monster....come to think of it, I have a handout that I've used at our support group about that monster..will look for it and post it if I find it. :grouphug:

I wish our David would come and "talk" to you...you'd like him.

((dns)) I don't think you are a failure. You've just convinced yourself that you are. Have you ever looked for a good therapist? A good one is worth his/her weight in gold. :grouphug:

Not sure if they can think abstactly like that, but I used to fish alotttt :o ... and when you see a trout come within inches of a fly that you know you tied perfectly and refuse it, or follow a spinner for 20 feet and not bite it, you realize they are not totally stupid... so maybe I've been cursed up, down, and sideways and not realised it.. (although i have been bitten if that counts, not by a trout though)

Who is David?