You were born worthy my friend....that hasn't changed.

sat up all night thinking of this, compared to you all i am a freakin psycho or something.. recognize... i'm really sorry but I can't tell you the whole story, just trust me on this one.. all i ask.. peace..

What is normal, good question. I think is is just another setting on a hair dryer. there is no normal, we are all unique. Not good thoughts? You are not alone in that. I have had thosse kinds of thoughts when the pain was really bad. I think you would not be human, if you didn't want the pain to end. I allow my thoughts to go there at times, I mull them over, and then get back on the horse. I am not ready to quit and I am angry too at the circumstances that have so much changed my life. I think coming to this site helps me alot when I have those thoughts. I may look at my own situation and say, it is lousy, but I have friends here that do help me. I do not think there is a normal. Life is hard, but with friends, any torment can be made easier to bear. I hope this day finds you better than the day before. ginnie

hi. maybe normal is not the best word, sometimes i have trouble getting good words out. they get lost between the thought and the keyboard. never was good at stuff like this. not my skill set i guess. these days have not been the best, sometimes the thoughts and stuff all catch up with you at once, and the reality hits you. real is sometimes not good. if you honestly look at yourself you wonder how things got so screwed up. really dont know.. may not be a "normal", but there is a tail end to the bell curve..

dns, I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to simply let yourself feel whatever it is you are avoiding.

I think it is always a shock when you figure out you are really in a bad way. Nobody really expects it to happen to them. When illness happens, this shock sets in, for awhile I was frozen in place. I just came back today to wish you a better day, and evening which is fast approaching. You do just fine with communicating. I worked with the public all my life and wound up really caring about the people here. Ginnie

i guess it is a shock.... guess i am not is so good of a way..i thought i had it all contained, i guess i didn't do as well as i thought... it all just became too much.. not sure i do so good communicating, can't get the ideas out too well these days... (i'll just blame the meds, but really i've never been good at it) anyway, thank you for wishing me a better day, think i need it...

that is the problem, been feeling too much i think... kind of started kind of last month (1 year anniversary), got to thinking back and got me thinking how bad of a person i was, just as bad as the person i swore i would never be like, guess maybe you are what you live or whatever, fooled myself i guess. hurts when you realize this, have to sit there and admit it to yourself.. thank you for putting up with my lunatic ravings, you probably think i am super nuts or something, but i'm just overloaded. i'll figure it out...

Sounds like "guilt" talking my friend...part of that "wonderful" package we suvivors get to live with.

Jeffrey Jackson wrote a wonderful little handbook for survivors of suicide and this is what he said about guilt..

"Guilt comes from a mistaken belief that we could have, or should have, prevented the death from happening, or from regret over irreconciled aspects of the relationship. In truth, we all do the best we can given our human shortcomings. We cannot predict the future, nor do we have power over the events in our universe. It is human nature to subconsciously blame oneself rather than accept these truths.

Hello to all. I am glad I found this site and all the good people in it. There is talk of the herbal plant alot. It should be legal, hands down. People who suffer with cronic pain should be allowed relief in any possible way that works for them. What kind of society are we becoming? Pain can stop a person just like being dead. There is even new research involving PN, and ALS and cannabis.I am also a member of final exit, and I am not at all suisidal. There is an article in this months new letter, a special edition with some good research in it. I don't know how to get permission from this site to allow for this news letter, with eithor our moderators, or from the directors of the organization. I am in touch with members of the board of directors. I have been a member for 10 years, and also have my directives in place. I am not terminal. These organizations, at least this one, allow knowledge in current medical practice. They understand the word compassion. Their guiding principal can be viewed at their web site. I also find great compassion on this site, person to person. I consider that a gift. Your words help too in coping with diseases that currently have no cure. I hear the cries of the poor too, I am stuck on dissability with them after 30 years of work. I keep on keeping on, too stuborn to give in, and I will for many years. I just allow for the freight train I see coming at me thats all. I really wish all of you some peace in your lives. Ginnie