Of waking up every morning, of forcing myself out of bed. When my alarm goes off it makes me want to cry. I never eat breakfast; that would require getting up even earlier. Sometimes I also skip lunch or dinner. Hunger is passing, and food requires preparation. Sometimes at work I exert only the minimum required effort; sometimes I try even less. Then when the job I hate is finally done, I drive home. Sometimes I park in front of my apartment and just sit in my car, there’s nothing waiting for me inside anyway. There’s very little to do to pass the time. Of my few options, none bring much enjoyment. I check the clock often to see if it’s late enough to go to bed. I usually end up going to bed before ten o’clock, never because I’m actually tired… more because being unconscious is much more enjoyable then the alternative. My worst dream is always better than my best waking hours.

I do all this knowing well that I’ll wake up the next day and do it all over again, and the day after that will be the same, and so will every day until God mercifully lets me die. There is no hope of things getting better, although occasionally things happen to make me feel even worse. And I can’t kill myself until my parents are gone because I don’t want them to have to deal with the pain; which is a lot like saying I am going to suffer, in misery, day in and day out, every day, for at least thirty more years.

I’ll never understand why people say suicide is selfish. They always say “You should do what makes you happy,” but I guess that platitude doesn’t extend to the only thing that can make the sadness go away. If it’s selfish for me to kill myself, why isn’t it selfish for everyone else to tell me I have to suffer forever so they feel less pain?

Why do I have to keep going? What could I possibly miss out on that I haven’t been missing my entire life. How can they tell me that “It’ll get better,” when my life has been nothing but a downward slide from the moment I was born until this very moment? What could I possibly miss if I didn’t wake up tomorrow?

You are a very caring person for wanting to save your family some pain. I hope you appreciate yourself for that. Sending you some hugs. I can relate to the way you are not a morning person. I myself have carpal tunnel snooze alarm syndrome.