Hi, everybody:

On August 25, 2001, I was a pedestrian struck and injured by a car while crossing the street on a crosswalk. The car's bumper hit my left knee; I rolled on the car's hood; I hit the car's windshield, which was pushed in the shape of my head; and I was thrown 40 feet in the air. I woke up on the street, lying in a pool of blood.

First, I had RSD (Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy) in my left knee. Then my RSD moved into my whole body. RSD causes severe chronic pain and other symptoms, such as:
-electrical discharges going up my spinal cord all the way to my brain (my head then bobs up and down),
-feelings of icy cold (like liquid nitrogen) running through my veins and arteries, making me shake real bad and giving me cold hands,
-feelings of insects crawling through my veins and arteries (creepy crawlies) in the torso area,
-migraine headaches,
-stomach and intestinal pain and cramps,
-blurry, dried eyes,
-poor appetite with frequent nausea,
-etc.

I have trouble accepting I have full body RSD with its pain and all other symptoms.

Results:

1) I do not have the desire to live anymore.

2) I feel desperate and sad.

3) I cannot even be a good mother for my adopted two-year-old baby boy.

4) I do not enjoy the activities I used to enjoy (sky diving, water skiing, horseback riding, rock climbing, reading, etc.)

5) I feel unloved, lonely, and rejected.

My family hates me for multiple reasons (too long to list here). I have no friends in real life. My coworkers do not care about me.

I take medications for my RSD (Duragesic, MSIR, Tambocor, Inderal, Relpax, Keppra, Klonopin, Tylenol, etc.)

I saw so many psychiatrists I lost count. I do not get along with them for several reasons:

1) They do not believe I have RSD and severe chronic pain, even though it was diagnosed by:
-Emergency Room physicians,
-Primary care doctors,
-Physical medicine & rehabilitation physicians,
-Orthopedic surgeons,
-Pain management doctors,
-Neurologists, and
-Radiologists.

2) They treat me like a druggie, even though my narcotic painkillers are the foundation of my pain treatment, without which everything would come crashing down. This is diffamatory for them to call me a druggie.

3) They treat me like my pain and other symptoms are in my mind.

I tried anti-depressant, anti-anxiety, and anti-stress medications, but they do not work at all, even if they are taken long enough and at maximum dosage.

I am looking for some love, understanding, support, and prayers from those who are able to understand what I am going through.

Thanks for everything.

OMG that sounds awful. I hope it gets better. Try starting a journal. Does it hurt to write? Been there. Use a felt pen, you won't have to press as hard. wrap foam around the handle if that helps. Disregard what the no count docs think. You can usually tell who they are by their poor listening skills. Chiros sell these gel packs that go in the freezer. Alternate cold and heat as a pain killer. For the heat use tube socks filled with rice. Microwave a couple of minutes. For inflammation try ginger tea, made with fresh grated ginger. If you don't like the taste try adding almond milk to it. Tames it down.

Don't know how big a town you live in but you obviously haven't found the right psychiatrist yet. The ones you've seen are jerks, full of themselves. There are good ones - keep looking. There are also a zillion anti-depressants out there and you have to keep moving through them until you find one that works for you. I hate it when physicians patronize us. Here's a hug and I'll be thinking of you.

Hi Kitty....your list is long and has to be difficult to live with. I'm so sorry. I guess we all have something to battle in this life. I think it takes great courage to continue and it has to be so frustrating not to be "heard" by drs. It is depression in full bloom and you have good reason to be depressed.

Your two year old sees you through the eyes of love and he sounds like a delightful child. Please continue your courageous battle for his sake. And keep talking here.

Kepp fighting girl, if for no other reason than the 2 yr old baby boy, I know he loves you dearly.

My prayers are with you.

Hi, tied:

I also hope my full body RSD does get better; otherwise, my baby could become an orphan someday...

I will try to find a journal with a key because I do not want my parents and some doctors, especially the psychiatrists I mentioned in my first message, to read what I write; they would only say I am crazy.

It does not hurt for me to write, except when my hands are icy cold. In this case, I will use your techniques.

Quote: "Disregard what the no count docs think. You can usually tell who they are by their poor listening skills." You are right. These no count doctors only tell us mean things because they enjoy hurting our feelings. They enjoy seeing us suffer. I know a proverb that says: "The unhappiness of one makes the happiness of another one".

I have the feeling of icy cold running through my veins and arteries, like liquid nitrogen. Do you think I can, in that case, use ice packs?

I enjoy the heat much better, especially since I have the feeling of icy cold running through my veins and arteries. As long as this heat does not make me sweat (I do not enjoy sweating), it is fine with me. I will try your sock and rice technique. Do you know if the rice I put in the sock will get cooked or burned if I use this rice in the microwave several times, even if it is only for a couple of minutes? Or do I have to change rice after each use?

Quote: "For inflammation try ginger tea, made with fresh grated ginger. If you don't like the taste try adding almond milk to it. Tames it down." Since I am not a good cook, do you know how much ginger and how much water I have to use? Do the amounts change with almond milk? By the way, is almond milk what is called soyabean's milk?

Thank you so much for your understanding and ideas.

Hi, barbo:

I used to live in the USA for eight years, from 1997 to 2005. That was six years ago. I miss the USA sooo MUCH! The USA is my HOME! Unfortunately, I only have a Green Card and I am afraid the U.S. immigration officers will take it away and deport me because I have not been the USA for more than one year. With a Green Card, one is not supposed to leave the USA for more than one year. I had to leave the USA for that long because I do not have medical insurance there. At that time, I needed physical therapy five to six times a week. With a session costing about U.S. $ 100, that would cost me about U.S. $ 2,400 per month. This is money I do not have. Here, in French Polynesia, the public health insurance company covers more physical therapy sessions, even if their doctors are not very happy about it. Besides that, one physical therapy session here costs about U.S. $ 10.

Quote: "You obviously haven't found the right psychiatrist yet. The ones you've seen are jerks, full of themselves."

The ones I have seen in French Polynesia are jerks, like you said. In the USA, I had two psychiatrists, who were very different from the French ones. They never challenged my RSD diagnosis, they never challenged my pain, they never challenged my use of strong narcotic painkillers to control my pain... I could even laugh with them. I felt I could trust these psychiatrists, ask them the questions I had without being judged or criticized, tell them everything I had on my mind... Surely the philosophy of American psychiatrists is much better and different than that of French psychiatrists...

When I am hospitalized for knee surgery, one of the nurses always tells my orthopedic surgeon I take narcotic painkillers to control my post-operative pain even though I have a femoral nerve block, which does not do much good with pain control. Of course, the nurse does not believe me. I have the feeling this nurse pushed the orthopedic surgeon into calling a shrink for me. When I see him entering my hospital room, I tell this shrink: "I do not give you the right to judge my narcotic use, you are not God, so go away; the door is right here!" By the way, these narcotics were prescribed by my primary care doctor because I knew that, in the hospital, my post operative pain would not be controlled very well. I know it because I had seven left knee surgeries and one right knee surgery.

Quote: "There are good ones - keep looking." How to trust psychiatrists again? I prefer psychologists, but the public health insurance company, for some reason, does not cover psychologists consultations.

The two problems I have with anti-depressants are:
1) I have the feeling that, if I take anti-depressants, my pain is in my mind (I know it is not the case). My pain and other RSD symptoms are in my full body; they are not an invention of my mind.
2) I am afraid of the anti-depressants that can cause someone to commit suicide (I heard these exist).

Quote: "I hate it when physicians patronize us." I also hate it.

Quote: "Here's a hug and I'll be thinking of you." Thanks for your kindness and your advice.

Hi, Alffe:

Quote: "I guess we all have something to battle in this life." It is true. I often wonder if my life is worth being called a life. It is not that I am not happy to be alive; it is just that I wish I would have a life without RSD and its horrible pain.

Quote: "I think it takes great courage to continue and it has to be so frustrating not to be "heard" by drs. It is depression in full bloom and you have good reason to be depressed." I am glad you understand me. Doctors are very good at being deaf to their patients' needs when they do not want to help them.

Quote: "Your two year old sees you through the eyes of love and he sounds like a delightful child." We love each other so much; this is why I wish I had a life without RSD and its horrible pain and other symptoms so I could be a better mother. It is very important to me to be a good mother for my treasured son.

Does anyone know if social services have the right to take my son away because of my depression, despair, and sadness? Or should I go into hiding with my son? I will never, ever let anyone take my son away from me.

When a child is taken away from his mother, how is it done? By cops? What if the mother does not let go of her child? What happens?

Thanks for your understanding and information.

Hi, curlydawg:

Thanks for your kind words and prayers. I will keep fighting for my treasured baby. I will also keep fighting against anyone who tries to take him away, whether it is social services, doctors (shrinks), cops, etc. I probably will go into hiding with him very soon, so no one can find my baby to steal him from me.

Hi Kitty,

OMG your situation is soooo like what mine was 4 years ago. I know you feel like there isn't any options, I know that despair.

I am so glad you posted here, we can help. I just found this site a month or so ago, sure wish I had found it 4 years ago. I ended up attempting very seriously. Actually I did die and they brought me back.

I have children too. Do not make any attempts, I lost my children because of it. I had no other mental health history but they took her anyway.

I have so much I can tell you about what has worked for me that might work for you, I'll never get it all in one post so you HAVE to keep coming back.

First, how is your pain level? Not adequately treating my pain was a huge factor in attempting. I have fibromyalgia and degenerative disc disease with spinal stenosis. I had lost my insurance as I was too sick to work and could not afford my meds nor qualified for aid. I know RSD is awful, have friends that have it. What meds are you on? I am very knowledgeable about meds so names are usually enough for me to understand.

I know that journalling can be very helpful. Please be careful, I had my journal stolen by my x-husband and used in court against me during the custody battle after I attempted. He even gave copies to my then current husband. Be very very careful.

Oh my, to be a mother and want to die. I don't think there is anything more horrible. It is utter anguish to be pulled in those two extreme directions. I thought that my children would be better off if I died. I thought that with me they would end up in a homeless shelter and with their fathers they would be taken care of. The fathers would not help them/me while they were with me. This is so far from the truth. Ended up that my youngest was sexually and physically abused by her father and my older 3 have never been allowed to see me since.

Hang on Kitty. That baby really does need you. Hang on until you can see that there are options and you are still a great Mom even when you don't feel like you are.

There are some wonderful people here, they will help you hold on.

whew. that's enough for one post. More later...

Free Kittens