I guess it's one of those times where I like to come and ramble about my pitiful life and how I hate it and everything else I've said a thousand times before, and indeed probobly will a thousand more. So feel free to not read this post, I doubt it will be enlightening, though it may be very long.

I'm glad there are people here who can try to help those who come to this site for help, because I can't seem to force an optimistic, or even slightly helpful thought out of my head and onto a keyboard. I feel like I shouldn't try to advise others when I can't even take good care of myself. All I can offer are the words "you're not alone" which certainly ring hollow in the ears of a hurting person in search of answers.

I know exactly what it feels like to be completely alone and to want nothing more then the company of someone who truly cares about me and wants to know how I feel. And yet such a person is impossible for me to find, because no one wants to be around a person like me. No one wants to know my thoughts; my thoughts are dark and sad. Anyone I try to tell my thoughts to will eventually get sick of me and my sadness, and will inevitably distance themselves from me so they won't be exposed to my horrible little world. And as hard as I try to hide that world from them, it still ends up spilling onto them, (after all who wants a friendship where you can't tell your friend the truth?), until they have to stop caring about me to save themselves. And they do stop caring about me... every one, even though they try to claim otherwise. I can't say I hold it against them. I don't have hobbies, I don't go anywhere, and I don't do anything, and I certainly don't have the energy to do things I don't like.

I suppose people like me are just meant to go unloved.

And I don't mean the kind of love that a parent would give to their child, I've had plenty of that. It may sound callous, but that is just not enough. No one wants to go through their entire life without ever knowing the touch or affections of another, and that person's parents wouldn't want that for them either. But that is exactly how I live, for all twenty four years of my life. And I know, I know: twenty four years is still young; there's plenty of time for that, life's not over yet. But if someone was going to love me it would have been at a time in my life when I had even a small amount of human contact, not now where I can barely force the weakest of small talk with the random people who pass me during the workday.

Some of you here have told me that I am wise beyond my years, and I think that's true; it's perhaps one of the few things about myself can take pride in. But it is that very wisdom that alienates me from the rest of the world. God I wish I could be like every other twenty four year old in the world, spending my nights drinking and partying and generally being stupid. I am apparently the only one who can see how empty and juvenile that is. But then again, I'm also the only one who goes to bed every night alone and unhappy.

The worst part is, I know exactly why I'm unhappy; I'm just incapable of doing anything about it. I guess I could pretend to be someone else, to do things someone else would do. I could party with the rest of them and pretend like it's what I want, but I'm wise enough to know that if I did my life would just be as empty and pointless as it is now.

Well, there they are... my sad thoughts for no reason... all 9000 of them. For those of you, (if any), who stuck around to read the whole stupid thing, thank you. It would be nice if, for once, my thoughts could be heard, instead of just drifting off into the ether unnoticed.