I am not 100% sure where to start with my story or what advice I may be looking for at this point but I guess let me start with my divorce. I was married for 10 years and my exwife has a history of mental instability. Towards the end of our relationship it grew increasingly worse and she nolonger desired to attempt to get help. She decided to inform me she was leaving while driving me home from outpatient surgery for my gallblader. Things went down hill very quickly as I discovered there was someone else in the picture who was still married and had a very serious drug problem. The divorce was not easy or quick but I ended up with sole custody of our son who was 10 at the time. I worked with her family and tried to keep communication open. This stopped when my ex decided to attempt suicide. They cut off all communication with me and with my son. Over the next few months my son and I tried to adjust our lives and return to some sense of normalcy. Roughly 5 months after the divorce was finalized I met someone and started to date. I waited another 4 months before introducing them to my son. We progressed over the next 6 months with our relationship and things were progressing well. My son bonded with this new person to the point that the following summer he gave her his mother's pin from boy scouts. 16 months into the relationship I proposed. I had a long discussion with my son every step of the way during the relationship to let him know that his oppinion was important and to make sure he was comfortable. Two weeks after she accepted the ring she left. No warning no discussion, she was just done. It has been another 4 plus months since this happened. Through and after my initial divorce I took my son to see a counselor to see how he was feeling and to make sure I was on the right track with my actions. I tried speaking to my son after the second break up and let him talk to someone and he seemed fine with everything.

Now about my son ... he is a straight A student, part of the gifted program for his school and in Boy Scouts. He is very outgoing and always been very sociable. He does not have a lot of close friends and rarely brings friends over or goes to their house. 2 weeks ago his grades started to slip because he was not doing his homework. I tried to dig to what the problem was and got the responses of "i forgot" or "I didn't want to do it". We spent the next week working together to get all of his assignments caught up and turned in for what credit he could still get for them. This past week I saw that there were more zeroes showing up in his grades so I asked him about it and found out he was lying the previous week about what assignments were still due and what homework he had over the weekend. We discussed his plan to get working on those and that his grounding from videogames would continue and that he would be grounded from his cell phone. I left work early to come hone and see what I could do and to try and talk to him again to find out what issues there were. When I walked in the door he was chugging alcohol mixed with pesticides.

He has been in a local mental hospital for the last 4 days and during my visit today he disclosed he has been being bullied at school. I had no idea this was going on and saw no change in his behaviour other than the homework. I am shocked and hurt and not sure how to deal with all of this. I went to his counselor and was told that some of this could be residual from the divorce. He only sees his mother once every 60 to 90 days and she has very little knowledge of his life. She does not attend any of his school or boy scout functions and has recently gotten remarried.

I don't know where to turn for help. I know he is being treated and will soon get feedback fromt he facility and I have already lined up after care and plan to speak to his school and the boy scouts for additional support but is that the right thing to do?

I am hurt, mad, confused, baffled, and not sure what to do. I am single and my son comes home from school and is by himself for about an hour and a half before I get here. I don't know what I may have missed in his behaviour that would have given me an indication that he was contemplating this. Can I leave him alone? Do I need to try and change schools?

Other questions I have are:

Should I attempted to have his mother involved in his recovery?

How do I stop feeling like I have done something wrong or missed something?

I know intelectually this is not my fault but how do I get past that?

How can I believe it would ever be ok to leave him alone again?

I know there are more questions and problems but I am just so drained and confused right now that I don't know how to figure any of it out. I am seeking help for him and me, individually and together but I just feel so alone and have very little help or support.

Thanks and if there is any advice anyone could give I would appreciate it.

Also, sorry for the poor spelling. I'm a math guy.

Gosh. Gosh. Gosh.

Welcome to the NeuroTalk Support Groups.

I'm extremely sorry though that this terribly worrying situation has brought you here but you will find a very caring group of people here.

I didn't know where to start to write a reply for you really, so I have quoted the questions you posted at the end and will just give my humble opinions after reading your post but knowing nothing else.

I would think so.

I would speak with the professionals who are treating your son and ask them for help for you and your son as a team. Like marriage counsellling when one needs help and advice except this is family counselling. You and your son are your family.

I would not leave him alone at home. He's too young and been through so much. If it's impossible to be there for him yourself, perhaps you can organize some after school care either at home with a trusted person or in another environment.

Why change schools? You mean because of the bullying? You shouldn't need to remove your son from his school because they are failing in dealing with the bullying in the school enviroment. There should be a policy showing zero tolerance for bullying. There should in my own opinion be a type of pastoral care for all students where they learn how to care and nuture each despite differences.

Bullying is a very, very complex issue. The bullies tend to be experts in picking up on sensitivity or difference in the bullied.

There are some techniques you can teach your son to allow the bullying to bounce off him more. I recall my son's counsellor when he was being bullied used to use paintings and such to allow him to get it all out in a non-verbal manner. A skilled counsellor should be already doing those things with your son.

Just curious... does the school know about the bullying that's been going on with your son?
It's really really helpful to develop a close relationship with the staff at school. I'm not sure how that works where you live, but I "think" you mentioned your son was in a gifted programme... talk to the person running that. They'd be sure to have some feedback for you about how to go about getting your son back to school and keeping that a safe environment to learn and also to develop peer relationships that are healthy for your son.

My first answer would always be an automatic yes, but I don't know the situation. I really think you should be asking a professional counsellor these questions. Someone who perhaps knows your former wife and you and your son.

That's natural. My son attempted to harm himself when he was a similar age. Younger actually. Circumstances were a little different due to certain complex health issues he was dealing with and also due to the fact that he was being bullied badly, horribly, at school.

Time and the healing of your son. Working on the direction forward for your son is the key now.

I wouldn't leave him alone. He's 12 and emotionally vunerable.

You must find help and support. For yourself. For your son. For both of you together.

No apologies needed. Nothing wrong with being a math guy.

Welcome to this awful but necessary "club". You've come to the right place and I admire you for doing all the right things for your son.

12 is an awful age especially in this "electronic" time. And bullying is so cruel.
You really have a lot on your plate and it's scary stuff.

There is a thread in the stickies at the top that might be of interest to you.
Here is the link to it...http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread238-3.html

I think Lara gave you excellent and insightful advice..the two of you are your family.

...I'm terrible at Math but that doesn't make me a bad person.

Hello Miles74,..... I am so sorry that life’s Sadness has brought you to this place..but a warm welcome

Talking about fears and feelings is difficult - even to those we know love and care about us. This can often prevent other people from recognising the distress and being able to help in a crisis. Words are often totally inadequate to convey the amount of pain a person may be suffering. It is easy to understand that someone is hurting if they have been badly injured or are physically ill. Emotional pain cannot be seen, but it can be just as unbearable. Sometimes attempting suicide may be the only way to show other people how bad things are.

'When your back is up against the wall, suicide can seem to be the only way out at the moment in time: all rational leaves the mind in my humble opinion.'

What can we do to help?
• Ask them how they were feeling before it happened and how they are feeling now. Talking about suicide does not make it more likely to happen. Try to be patient if they are angry or refuse to talk. If they won't talk to you, maybe they would talk to a friend or relation. It may be that writing things down is an easier way for them to communicate with you.
• b) Listen - this is the most important thing you can do. Treat them with respect, and try not to be judgmental or critical. Is it important to try to raise their self-esteem?
• c) Empathise by showing that you really do care about them, no matter what, and are trying to understand things from their point of view. Words don't always matter. The touch of a hand or a hug can go a long way to show that you care.
• d) Reassure them that desperate feelings are very common and can be overcome. Things can and do change, help can be found and there is hope for the future. People do get better!
• e) Try to give practical support, and help them to cope with any extra pressures. It may not be possible to deal with all the things that are troubling them, but between you agree on what you will do if a suicidal crisis happens again.
•
DONT EVER

Put them down or do things that might make them feel worse. A suicide attempt suggests that self-esteem is already very low.
Abandon or reject them in any way. Your help, support and attention are vital if they are to begin to feel that life is worth living again. Don't relax your attentions just because they seem to be better. It doesn't mean that life is back to normal for them yet. They may be at risk for quite a while.

Nag - although it may be well meant. Nobody wants to be pestered all the time. Don't intrude - try to balance being watchful with a respect for privacy.

Ignore what has happened-

Criticise their actions - however you may be feeling about their suicide attempt, try to remember the pain and turmoil that they were, and may still be, going through. Don't take their behaviour personally - it was not necessarily directed at you.
Let your son know that bullies are not brave but weak.

It’s hard as a child to confront bullies but Adults can insist the school takes swift action, and stress the need for communal highlighting of the sad and tragic events that bullying can lead to.

You sound a great Father, and I’m sure together you can get through this sad event...teenage years are very traumatic anyway, without the anxiety of other external events in life. He just wants reassurance he is safe, loved, and will get through this episode in his life....my best wishes go out to you both

Hello Miles and WELCOME to NeuroTalk!

I'm sorry to hear of your son's struggles but completely understand as I have numerous attempts myself. I am much, much, much older than your son now.

I know you are afraid and possibly at the very least very apprehensive to leave your son alone after school. I was wondering if there is a Boys and Girls Club in your area that your son might be able to get involved in. I think it costs somewhere around $25 per year to be a member...and he could go everyday after school. Some even offer transportation for a small fee...maybe he could catch the transport there and you could pick him up when you get off work???

He could go for himself so that he is not alone, to study, meet new friends, play sports, etc... or he could go there and help the younger kids with their studys' or teach them basketball, kickball, football, or any of numerous other team building activities.

I know your son is a Boy Scout... he knows how to do all of this and even though I do no know him... I believe he would be successful at helping those younger than himself. (I have 2 brothers who are Eagle Scouts)

I believe he could make new friends and possibly... start anew.

Please, I hope you don't feel that I am being pushy... my heart is crying for your son... I guess it is because I know how he feels...(as close as I can...we've walked in similar shoes) I am only trying to offer suggestions that may let your son know there are lots of people in this crazy world that he doesn't even know who do care more than he will ever know, about him!!!

I sincerely wish him and you the very best....
<-----gentle hugs for the both of you.
Abbie

I want to give you a warm welcome to Neuro Talk. I am also sad that circumstance brought you here. However you have also touched so many of us with your post. This place can help you get through the issues you are facing. I could not say anything better to you than what the posts have already expressed. The only thing I would add is the issue about your ex. I think I would have to ask a professional if she should be brought into this difficult time. Her own emotional stability is not good, and maybe she would not be able to handle your sons needs. I am very glad to hear that you have counsel ready for both of you. You didn't do anything wrong. Sometimes people, adults and children hide their feelings, so try not to blame yourself. I will be keeping you and your son in my prayers. I am here for you too, any time you need to talk. This site will give compassion like no place I have ever been before. You are doing all the right things for the both of you. ginnie

Thank you all so much for your kind words and support. My son is home now and the diagnosis is non-specific depressive episode. He is not on any medication at this time since they think this depression was only situational. He seems to be back to his old self but I am certainly keeping vigal. I find myself going into his room at night just to make sure he is breathing. I have not done that since he was an infant.

The counselors and nurses at the hospital he was in were great and I can't give them enough praise. They seemed to genuinly care and not just treat him as another patient.

I have been able to adjust my work schedule so that I am home when he gets home from school and I was able to speak to the school. They seemed to take what Tanis said to heart and ready to help. I guess only time will tell with that.

We have gone to see the counselor for the first follow up appointment. It is the same counselor I used for mariage counseling and person counseling through the divorce. My son has seen him a few times as well and he seems comfortable with him. The counselor seems to think that we will make it through this and that with good communication he and I will be able to work past this and move on. I don't doubt that but currently am still stressed beyond belief.

As for his mother ... I am still at a loss of what to do here. This situation has brought on discord in her family and her and her sister have gotten very ugly with each other. His mother tried to drag both me and him in to the situation to the point where I had to take the phone from my son and hang it up. She is clearly not healthy enough to help him through this. It pains me a great deal to cut her out but I can't see where her instability and selfishness can help him. He spoke about her guilting him into seeing her in his counseling session and that he does not want to do that anymore. He has avoided her phone calls and said he does not want to talk to her. It makes me truly sad that their relationship has deteriorated this far but I can't do anything to help. Her parents have also gone back to their regular tricks of not calling him or taking the opportunity to see him. After his appointment today I offered for them to come by and take him out to lunch and/or to hang out with him for the rest of the afternoon while I was at work and they didn't call. They expect him to do all the work in the relationship when he is the child. I just don't know if after 2 years of trying and attempting to fostrer that relationship with her or her family is worth it anylonger. I have no doubt that some of their behavior and lack of contact with my son wieghs heavily on his mind. Any advice?

Thanks again for all the simpathy and kind words and advice. It certainly helps especially when my family is hundreds of miles away.

Once again I think you are doing the right thing in protecting your son..in putting his needs first. You can't "fix" his mothers problems with her family nor can you let her "guilt" him. I think it's in a mans' chemistry to try to fix things but somethings just can't be fixed! Your priorities are in the right place and I really admire you.

Life is hard....sometimes it's harder than others. Good job dad!!

We are still here for you. I am so glad your son is home with you. I have had depressive issues in my life too. Alot of us have. You are a wonderful Dad, and I know your son is in the best of care. don't hesitate to write if you want or need anything. NT is here with this great crew to offer support. ginnie

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=iwyzEJw-rtE

Wondering how you are doing Dad..