[sadkell12]

I used to think it was true what they say about a surviver of a suicide attempt that they are glad they lived thru it.. I tried it once.. and it did get a little better as I got a little older but now iv come to a point where I'm tired of fighting I fight thoughts of ending it all nearly every day and it just is so tireing.. I need and angel.. cuz this is to much to handle alone, I feel so dead and broken inside, how can I go on..???? I feel like no one can understand that the heart of a greiving mother never feels liike it can be filled and it always feels broken..

[Lara]

I'm so sorry to read about your terrible losses and how horrible it feels for you right now. Just my feelings, but when grief becomes so overwhelming that thoughts of suicide and wanting to be with your babies is overtaking all other thoughts, then it's time for some professional help. I haven't read all your other messages properly yet, so am not sure if you are getting treatment at this time?

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm
When to seek professional help for grief

Other symptoms that suggest depression, not just grief:
Intense, pervasive sense of guilt.
Thoughts of suicide or a preoccupation with dying.
Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness.
Slow speech and body movements
Inability to function at work, home, and/or school.
Seeing or hearing things that aren’t there.

If you recognize any of the above symptoms of complicated grief or clinical depression, talk to a mental health professional right away. Left untreated, complicated grief and depression can lead to significant emotional damage, life-threatening health problems, and even suicide. But treatment can help you get better.

Contact a grief counselor or professional therapist if you:

Feel like life isn’t worth living
Wish you had died with your loved one
Blame yourself for the loss or for failing to prevent it
Feel numb and disconnected from others for more than a few weeks
Are having difficulty trusting others since your loss
Are unable to perform your normal daily activities

[sadkell12]

I'm trying to get treatment but without insurance its hard I did find a place but they can't get like another 5 weeks.. so we will see I'm scared tho