Hi July,

Please please please keep trying to find help for yourself, don't give up. Good psychologists exist, they are just hard to find and few & far between. Here is a list that may be helpful, pick one that you like:
http://therapists.psychologytoday.co...te=NY&spec=206
or you can look here based on your zip code
http://locator.apa.org/
These will be licensed and you can select by specialization.

Same goes for people --- I cant tell you how much I relate to your post about your friend saying you are toxic. I lost a lot of friends last year during my depressive episode. They just up and ditched me, no reason at all. Atleast you got clarification, I suppose. Friends don't ditch you when you need them. That's what I've learned and hopefully you can use that too. There's a lot of users out there and people who aren't nice. And people who kill themselves cant handle it anymore. There are always more ways to keep trying and not give up, but it isn't your job to help everyone or anyone but yourself.

You are not in any way responsible for Joseph's death. He had reached the point where he could no longer bear the problems that he had accumulated on this earth. Who are we to judge what is in someone's heart at any given time? You were a friend and sometimes that is the best we can do. Please don't be hard on yourself. Life goes on.

I wish I could hug you. I think all of us who experience pain and medical conditions could use a lot more hugs. My best friend of 14 years decided she didn't want to be friends either. Didn't want someone disabled. It hurts.

There are people here that will care. I am here to listen too. ginnie

so very important
in everything that is said
only one moment at a time
and know we are all understanding
being able to relate
i is in my immediate family
my father
i take all cries to heart
don't take their word for it

someone who cares