[BJ]

I spent 5 hours yesterday at my family’s graves and talked to them. I put this stupid little resin rock on Mark’s grave but did he see it? For that matter did anyone see it, does anyone care? No he decided to take his life, to ruin our family. My mom and dad and Mark are with God and I’m left here to wonder what went wrong.

I have been angry from the moment I saw him hanging in the bathroom. I am angry that he chose this route. Yes he was probably very ill -- but it was free will that allowed him to kill himself. I am angry that he left me here to try to console myself and I loved him so very much.

I am angry that he was so selfish to not think about his family. We always thought about him. Now we, no I, am left to think about him everyday with pain and despair.

So, yes -- I am angry. It hasn't lifted much at all. Although most of the time I feel sad and filled with angst. The anger has not subsided -- and everyday it actually seems to grow. When I have to lay down my head at night and cry myself to sleep, or when I kneel at the graveside all alone as I pray he is safe and I will see him again one day.

I am angry that I can't show my anger or resentment. I am angry that I have to try to be strong. I am disappointed that I couldn't save him all those years ago.............I am angry that he didn't want to save himself!!


You asked me if I wanted help, so this is a cry for help. I don't know where to turn, no one understands. I hope you do.

I don't have it in me to use the angry symbol because normally I don't get angry, so I'm just using the sad one.

[Burntmarshmallow]

I am not a pro or have to much experience with this but ..I can say It is good you are angry ,good you can say you are angry.
It is not fair that mark decided to leave you and his family his life the way he did. It is not fair that he didnt want to or know how to fight or find a better way to face his issues. You deserve to be extreamly angry... ****** off..
It is importion to let these feelings come to surface and come out on paper in posts to us...let it come out in safe ways like you are doing we are all right here. we understand the anger and live with it ..our own anger . It hasnt lessened because there is a lot of it and it needs to be expressed. that is importion BJ and it is good you are able to share it with us. It is okay to feel this way we all do! you need to feel angry. It is a first step a long step and after some time passes and you let the feeling come, face it find ways to safely express it you will move past it.Not that the anger dissappears but you move past it.
It is NOT fair and it is not right and you deserve to be angry.
all i can do right now is say I am sorry and offer you a hug
I wish i had some wise words and answers for you but i dont . just keep facing your feelings and share with us we will all help you.
I am glad you shared and I know when others come by they wil add more advice and better words then I can. because as a family we all help each in our own way the best we can.
and you are part of our family we love you! we are here for you always any time for anything. so let it out. Please keep talking and sharing your feelings BJ

[Alffe]

Of course you're angry...he changed everyone's life without thinking what it would do to his family....there is just no understanding it BJ...we will probably never know why...even tho he left a note...it sounds like you still don't know why. He had everything to live for and threw it all away.

Someday when you are able to forgive him and to accept the unacceptable..your anger will quiet down but you aren't there yet.

Admiting that your angry is a big step. Five hours is a very long time to spend at the cemetary...can you still talk to your priest?

[bizi]

The question of free will is whether, and in what sense, rational agents exercise control over their actions and decisions. Addressing this question requires understanding the relationship between freedom and cause, and determining whether the laws of nature are causally deterministic. The various philosophical positions taken differ on whether all events are determined or not — determinism versus indeterminism — and also on whether freedom can coexist with determinism or not — compatibilism versus incompatibilism. So, for instance, 'hard determinists' argue that the universe is deterministic, and that this makes free will impossible.
The principle of free will has religious, ethical, and scientific implications. For example, in the religious realm, free will may imply that an omnipotent divinity does not assert its power over individual will and choices. In ethics, it may imply that individuals can be held morally accountable for their actions. In the scientific realm, it may imply that the actions of the body, including the brain and the mind, are not wholly determined by physical causality. The question of free will has been a central issue since the beginning of philosophical thought.

This notion of free will is relavant....
WE all get to decide what actions we take.
WE have the freedom/right to determine our lives.
It is our responsibilty.
Everyday we choose what we will do.
I think you are making great steps.
Expressing your anger here ....is a huge step.
now the hard part is to actually tell your therapist about this anger.
To say it and own it is very powerful.
Telling the truth is exhausting and freeing.
Thank you for trusting us enough to tell us about your anger.
Remember, your meds are essential right now, please take them as prescribed.
much love to you
bizi

[BJ]

He totally knew what's left with suicide. He knew the pain because he felt it too. Yet, he completed it without a good bye.

What is the question? Am I angry? Hell yes! Am I angry at Mark? Am I angry at my predicament or circumstance? Well, I would certainly not choose this but here I am. Do I feel responsible for inaction, mistakes or unrealized complicity in what happened to Mark? How could we have known, he seemed like a normal kid, not a care in the world. I'm angry at a world that preaches acceptance and offers little. I am unaccepted now more than ever before and that makes me angry.

Maybe my anger is misdirected or a cover for my own guilt. I don't think that for one second but I suppose it is possible that I can’t see the trees for the forest.

I guess I’m in a mood after what the grief counselor said, that’s what ticked me off…..move on. I try to avoid this stuff but sometimes it's just so big and I am glad I have a place to spew it all - where understanding abounds - that's what I long for most.

Although he’s is in a much more peaceful place -- I am selfish and want him with me. We could be weak together and nobody would be the wiser.

And yes I’m angry at my dad for what he did to me. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the son you always wanted even though I was the one who used to get up at 5AM and be Mark’s catcher so he could play for the NY Yankees one day. I’m angry that you felt it necessary to take it out on me for not living your childhood fantasy and sitting in the Yankee dugout. I’m sorry I couldn’t be your son, I'm sorry I was ever born.

[Burntmarshmallow]

I Would NEVER call you selfish nor do I think you are a selfish person!
I am not sorry you were born Bj None of us are sorry you were born.I am sorry how your dad treated you .I am sorry how others actions have hurt you and sorry that you feel so badly. but I AM GLAD AND THANKFUL YOU ARE HERE!!!!!!!! I am greatful you are sharing and fighting and reaching for some light ,reaching to make it threw all this.
I pray you are taking your meds Like bizi said it is important to take them when you are instructed to and not skip any . and share your anger and feelings with you doc. it is hard but a little at a time just a bit at a time. you can do it. we'll help you. we are here for you
I pray your time today is lined with a bit of sunshine and some healing.
Love you BJ

[mistiis]

(((BJ)))....I don't know about your grief counselor....but to tell you to 'move on' just does not sit right with me. To suppress what we feel is to cause more 'dis-ease' Getting in touch with your feelings, expressing them, and not feeling rejected by it, is essential to healing. And that will take time. I hope your future sessions go better. Please know that you are not rejected here, and please keep expressing. It is so important! I hear your pain...

[bizi]

Dear bj girlie,
When do you see your individual therapist again?
I know that the group therapy is not your thing...do they have someone to talk to one on one there?
I am so sorry that this is so hard.
Really wish I could take your pain away.
((((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[mistiis]

(((BJ)))...just to let you know that I am thinking about you...

[who moi]

BJ,

I am so glad others have the wise words to say to you..

I have been trying to find the right words and I still can't...

but wanted to send you some ((((HUGS))))

perhaps you might be too numb to feel them now or don't want them...

please save it in your reserve bank and take them out whenever you need it....

I do want to say this...I think we have every right to anger...

and we need to express it and let it out, otherwise, we'd explode...

the trick will come to how to not to let our anger take us down with it and destroy us in the process...

that's the part that I have no insight toward...but for me, it's about posting and venting and letting it out...

perhaps for you to keep on posting about your anger...it would help you...

hope so...