hello to all

might i just add as many forums apply to this woman
a mother of four 33,31,30 and my 16 year old
grandmother of one 3 1/2 i have custody of

suicide is a part of this family
my father killed himself at 48
hand gun to the heart
now my family all come to give it a try
from my epileptic daughter oldest attempted in her
late 20's
my son second child tried several times bi-polar
after he left home in his 20's also

this has all come to light
as i expressed i don't want to go on anymore
but i can't
it's not an option
and i have been hanging on even harder
i have been hanging on since i was a toddler
watched my father rape my mother
when we were in S. Africa
we left that country when i was 5
so you see my fingers really hurt

my 16 year old left last week today
as she walked out the door to get the laundry
that was in the drier
she never came home
and it wasn't 24 hours as she text me
she was safe this was a lie
she walked the streets all night

as my condition heads in the direction
of eventual difficulties i will not be able to do
as there is a decline from last summer to this summer
the immobility just enough for me to see and assess

she left
just like that

and as the time came i needed to call her father
he responds
"and here i go getting pulled into this turd"

and as i call him she was text-ing me if she could come home

i had to let him know
for i would have had to contact the authorities and put out an Amber alert

SHE COMES HOME

her father asking me to tell my daughter
not to speak of her sexuality
as she is gay as my son is
i have no issue with this
apparently her father did
as like he said to her
things get back to him
my daughters girlfriend happens to live
several houses from my daughters father
i have had my daughters girlfriend at my home

now i ask my daughter
i really needed to know
how is it that you could walk out this door
and just leave

she tells me things were just to overwhelming
much of it girlfriend related
having to help me with Eva

there is only one problem
i am giving her a break to enjoy
life a bit before bogging down and
getting her GED and to get back on the horse
she is open to therapy

here goes
i ask her
"what is it that you are not paying attention too

as i am an open book to my children

hope to have been a good role model
a single parent and raised them only with
the help of God
as my ex-husband was obsessed with me and controlling
this was one of the times i felt the Holy Spirit and heard
you will be okay
and i packed his bags
and its been 30 years December 30,1984
he lost sight of his children
i have my love child 14 years later
another problematic situation
as i met him in recovery
i take care of my drinking
i am also a recovering alcoholic 22 years
and understand clearly
only one thing for absolute certainty
no matter what was in the cards
it left me responsible for me and that's it
and my children
in a different way
i told my daughter
i love them

i fight everyday to want to stay alive
and it is the bottom line
every day i fight to stay alive for her and
her siblings granddaughter
i have 2 sisters who need me
i have to fight everyday to stay alive
for her and my granddaughter
and that yes it comes down to helping me where
i can't do it anymore physically

and i have to bare the idea
that any one of us
and everyone of us tried "it"

so i told her haven't you figured out
at this time in your life
things don't happen by themselves
and i have been stripped of my strength
and maimed in the process
each of you children took at least 10 years each
of my life
and just when it is a time i could
be free to be free and live a little
will never be in a form of a vacation

but to know my children are doing well
and are happy
and reach out to Jesus Christ
when they feel they have no one

i told my daughter
i fight everyday for her and the rest of THEM

my family

in Jesus name

amen