Eva,
Just wondering if the Zoloft could be adding to some of this feeling of doom. All too often, these meds have the opposite effect on some people.
Concerned,

Gerry

dearest Gerry

just seen my shrink
he is seen twice a month
for a good number of years
no he is not a God lol
the last of "that kind of medicine
was Lexpro and because i pay very close attention
to my reactions when putting a new drug in my body
in a dark place last year this time
found myself in a darker place
so i knew immediately it was drug related
before that i was on prozac had no problems
of such kind needed to be changed because it
interfered with my cancer drug tamoxifen
you are a smart woman i as too watch and
know my body like no other
as there are two new concerning things that are happening
physically
your concern valid
you are on the same page
love
me

long gone
out of their house
no more abuse
i'm on my own
no cell phones yet
and i did not have
a phone yet
turns out
mind you
hearsay from mother
and sisters

my father had a prank
done to him from his foreman
a addition to pushing him over the edge
possibly
however him and my two uncles
worked together till his
death
my father was being given a lesson
with this prank that he was fired
for a physical fight he had with his forman
sticking up for his brother

well sometimes i would think
its been a huge factor
be it may
his job was what defined him
in a huge way especially as
a immigrant who became a citizen of this country

in the end the employers
that pulled this prank
was not the intent to fire him
but scare him

point

it sucks
to have had the boat
pass on by soooooooo
many times
and now i am not employed
as of April

if all for a reason
a little loving feeling
would be great right
now

i will always feel a void

i am not speaking of the title "Mother"

fighting this mind of depressed thoughts
and believe God has something prepared
down the road
me

(((eva))) Please know you are cared about.

your outreach felt
thank you
just a breakdown
every now and then
more now
just so sad
praying to shake it
forever
waking up with the pain is one thing
not able to sleep thinking thinking
how am i going to make all this work
i must
no option right
i have those who depend on me
no option
just no options
hope this too shall pass
me

for all those who understand
help me understand why i cannot
shake off this way of life
as i complain
and i think who am i to complain
Our Brother Jesus Christ
hung from a Cross
to save us
what adversities we all go through
on a daily basis
i ache so badly
day in and day out
as many of you also
my mind i cannot control anymore
this is not a way to live
not a way to live
my children see me cry everyday
it has certainly affected my family
in many way for certain
oh how i do not want my negativity
to damage them
it is not healthy and they are old enough to understand
then i get from my grandchild
trying to explain to her
i don't want to feel sad
its not fun
she says what feels sad
i tell her my heart feels sad
mimma cant do some of the things
you ask me
she proceeds to speak to my heart
asking what side it is on
i show her
and she begins to speak to it
please heart don't make my mimma sad
she makes me happy
and i want her to be happy
well i don't think i need to say much more
other than making her understand
it doesn't have anything to do with her
but that it stops me from having with her sometimes
having to do things

this is my heavy heart
it has absolutely zero to do with
my children
sure i worry if they cannot take care of themselves
blesses us with a beautiful grandchild
that has been here even while she was in moms belly

i look at her when she isn't looking while flipping
the pages to her books
looking at the pictures
watching her eyes and brain
as she puts the story together by the pictures
i am at awe to see that mind at work
a little person of her own
she is now testing boundaries
it is the three of us
and to give you an idea of what it's like
when i take the phone away from her sixteen year old
auntie
she is thrilled she
was being punished

and it is full circle
again
looking for my attention
of course
my granddaughter that is
the competition my goodness
she wants her mimma to herself
and the pitch of her scream
surprises me it doesn't shatter glass

point
no option
but the okay for the mothers daughter
to cry and it be
i miss mommy
i'll respond
i do to
both her and i with
a heavy heart
for sure
she is gorgeous
let me give her happiness
let her and my family
be happy
let me have happiness for them
they deserve it
they without doubt
love me
i have no option
i have to be a mother
let me be the best i can
bring me strength to achieve
tasks that brings me joy
along with my family
the choice is not today
me

trying to do what I must

i must make it work

maybe not by myself anymore

and take the help from my daughter

she understands so much

she is my eldest

there is a lump in my throat

ready to cry at a drop of a hat

but i will push myself

until i cannot any more

there is a hole in my heart

it's stuck in my throat

me