Thanks for all of the very kind (and informative) replies, they are appreciated and helpful.

Regarding my parents, it's a bit of a messy situation (for lack of better words). It was (by my terms) the standard dysfunctional family. Drugs, alcohol, abuse**, lack of food, money, yadda yadda.

I'm not really sure how my brother and I ended up to be complete opposites. He was very loud and outgoing, I was very shy/timid. My father's side of the family always wanted my brother around but not me, if I was around - it was a very unpleasant experience for me. I know this story will sound really stupid, but I personally feel it's not nice.

I got sick a lot, and my mother bought me these jell-o pops and dropped me off at my Grandmothers for my visitation with my Father. I never understood why, but up until I didn't fit in it anymore, they kept me in a high-chair and I slept in a crib. Anyway, they put me in the high-chair and gave my jell-o pops to my brother and his friends and I had to sit there and watch them eat my Popsicles from inside in that stupid chair. Of everything I recall from them being mean or whipping me, I am still holding a grudge over my Popsicles. I know, it's weird.

I always try to think of what went wrong, for the most part we had the same life and in many cases, he got a lot more than I did. His college was paid for, his car was paid for, etc. I had to get all of that on my own, which I did.

We were spanked with the same belts, paddles, switches. We were raised the same way except my Father and Grandmother seemed to like him much more. He was mean to them, mean to me, mean to my Mother. I'm pretty sure he has been mean to anything he's come into contact with.

He always seemed to want to lean on that side of the family as they had money, but I didn't take change well so I wanted to be home. I was never sad when they didn't take me places because they normally ignored me anyway, at home I'd go next door to my Grandma and Grandpa's house and hang out with them (Mother's side) - they were very loving. They usually would baby me and say nasty things about my other Grandparents/Father since they didn't do anything with/for me.

As stated, I do have a chunk of my memory that is just absent. I'd say a good 2-3 year period I can't remember anything. I'd think if something happened I'd at least remember that if it were a trigger for him, but as long as I can recall he's been this way. Even as small kids he was very aggressive.

I can't help but to think that his using our lack of a 'typical loving upbringing' as an excuse for his wild behavior is selfish. I could have dwelled on it, or been upset or held these grudges, but I didn't. I set my goals and reached them. Sure, I'm kind of hesitant to rebuild a bond with my Father who frequently brings up how weird things turned out (as he expected me to flop and not my brother), but that's how he is. My Grandma is harmless, and I forgave her long ago. It sadly took the loss of my Grandfather for her to realize she's spent a portion of her life with a focus on one person who now has her in terrible financial ruins. I have no desire to say, "I told you so" to any of them.

I'm sure I could use therapy, but I am not much into modern medicine and really don't fancy most health care providers. I've done alright thus far considering I've gone through a lot more at my age than many will even see a portion of their entire lives. I have bad days, but it's normally a once-a-year event where I have a small melt down and pick myself back up.

If anything has damaged me now, I'd say that it's ruined my exterior. I have thick skin and spent a lot of time almost emotionless to thinks that should naturally hurt me. Thankfully I'm in a good relationship with someone bull-headed who has continuously pushed me to be open, show emotion, etc. Due to the countless times my family has broken my trust, I do have trust issues.

My Mother is a very sore subject for me, it's a love/hate kind of thing but we are working on it (she's actually coming out here next week). I had to take the step there to tell her something needed to be done or a bridge would be burnt (as I said, I'm not a fan of dwelling). I gave the same option to my Father, as well as my Grandmother. Both have given an apology and I did apologize for not trying 20 years sooner (it was a LONG time we went with no contact).

My Brother goes a very long time without contact, and his recent contact opened up old books that I wanted to keep closed. It took me a lot of time to get to where I am to show that I did not need any of them in my life to move forward, but I did want them for the emotional support I believe I should have been given. Am I messed up now? I have my days.

I'm really working hard to find a better place (in my head) for myself when it comes to my family and my past. I do not want to die or have one of them die with tension between us. I try my best to be the bigger person, but I do not want them to lean on me. I'd be open to that, but it requires trust and until I trust someone with a history like that, I do not feel they should look to me for support (of any kind).

I have blocked his number as well as called the jail he is at. I said he can write me letters, and I will write him depending on his cooperation to my requests that he not make threats, ask for money or ask me to contact other people for him. I spoke to him last night and told him he will not get any better until he admits he has a problem and accepts that his actions are his own, and not forced by anyone from his past or the current time. Being hurt isn't a reason to steal, lie, or hurt people. If that were true, I'd be a really horrible person by now and I personally think I'm pretty fun and nice!

Anyway, I've been babbling and should actually go clean my house to prepare for my Mother to get here.

Thank you all again for your support, as stated - it is very much appreciated.

PS: I've always used a journal/writing as my self therapy - if you can't tell that by now.

Well another voice for journaling.. Thanks Ellie for your input...and remember that you are not your brothers keeper. I think it's very brave of you to entertain your mother considering your past experiences with her. Remember that we are here for you if you want to vent.

Thanks, I actually do feel much better after venting.

I was thinking that your brother sounds kind of narcissistic??
it's all about him and what he wants to do - no one else is important or even considered??
Or he definitely has some other serious issues that need to be professionally addressed.

If he hasn't even apologized {a true apology} for his horrible behaviors and continued bad choices- I would be very tempted to cut off contact completely until proof of repentance and changes can be shown.

Plus all of his illegal & violent actions!

He won't apologize, instead he will blame our parents or whoever else for his behavior or he will downright lie. He's in jail (albeit he had warrants for other stuff) because I finally convinced my grandma to call the cops on him for stealing her checks. Once in jail, he called her and yelled at her claiming he left 350, then 600, then 630 (clearly he can't get his numbers right) in her mailbox.

Noone would leave cash in a mailbox, and he will 'borrow' 5 bucks and won't pay it back. It's a lie. All I want him to do is tell HER he is sorry more than anyone else. I don't care if he says it to me, really. I am fed up with him stealing from my Grandma (she's been kind to me since we've aged, hehe) and hurting her. She's 96 years old and doesn't need to spend anymore time dealing with that stress. However, she will still feel guilt. Instead of thinking HOW he got to jail, she will think of how scary it will be for him and she will cry.

I'm going to visit her in July. While it's fairly wrong, I plan to get blocks put on her phone so he can't call. He won't apologize and will continue to harass her. Someone needs to put a stop to it. I'll take one for the team.

The jails in Ohio, more specifically Cincinnati are kind of a joke. Slap on the wrist and move along. He NEEDS to be in inpatient therapy, rehab, and whatever else they have (extreme, yes - although necessary). I'd say it will take 2 full years to rehab someone like him, and I am not stretching anything when I say that. He needs to be locked up to serve for the wrong he's done, then another year for super-mega-rehab!

I am very surprised that your "parent" isn't doing anything to protect your grandmother!

narcissistic- some sounds like it fits....
http://www.google.com/search?q=narci...ient=firefox-a

Oh, those I'm sorries! What is that saying? Actions speak louder than words?

I'm just very tainted when it comes to believing people who have repeatedly gone back to whatever the problem was. Enabling doesn't work for anyone.

I'm glad you feel better ((Ellie)). Good on you girl!

I just got an update call from my Grandma. She said he was released today (OMG) and is awaiting trial on the 20th. He has admitted to a drug problem (which is like a miracle since it's unheard of in his case) and has requested inpatient rehab following his jail sentencing. Whether or not he stays with that is his problem, I told her not to tell me anything else unless he stuck to that and is in rehab.

It's one of those moments you'd rather remember someone by.

He has admitted his problem, but he still has to accept it and then he has to set goals to solve it. Until then, I'm keeping my distance.

Apparently the jails are overcrowded, and even though we all know his actual temper, his charges are considered non-violent. My Grandma will be going before the grand jury and promised me she'd request his full sentence be served in an inpatient rehabilitation facility (in the event jails are still full, which I'm sure they will be).

I know they have one great rehab center in Cincinnati, I used to volunteer a lot when I was younger. I even worked on the R.O.P.E.S. program which was an amazing experience. I know he can get help because I've seen it happen. I'm not a doctor or anything, but this is what I'd like to see.

Some sort of Detox, they don't have rapid detox in Ohio (I actually looked for it for my mom some years ago when her idiot doctor had her on so much oxycontin and oxycodone she was high all of the time - and addicted). He'd also need some strict training, something to teach him respect, morals, etc. Boot camp! Hah. He also needs therapy (the more loving kind) as well as anger management. I think he has some issues with stealing things, so if something can cover that, too it would be amazing. He will also need some form of 'how to be a grown up' class. Adult career training?

He needs a lot, but if 'the system' can do good for once - we can all hope for the best, but still not expect it. It will take a lot of hard work on his part, and I hope he's strong enough to stick through it for his good and for the good of his daughter. She is so in love with him. The sight of his face and she lights up and screams "OH DADDY I MEEEEES YEW". If he were clean and stable, I'd actually say she'd be better off with him. I think she is what keeps him alive sometimes, either that or he is a cat.

Anyway, that's what I know for now.

On a good note, I got a birthday card from my dad which is the second card I've gotten from him in my life. I'm very excited. I actually still have the Christmas card he got me still sitting out.

Me? Need therapy? Hahah. Maybe I just like Christmas