I think I can feel, or share, some of your pain. I have an older brother who lives his life much the same way. He was only a grade above me in school, when he was actually there. My brother has supposedly gotten help... all kinds of therapy... but he is the same, and he is still mentally ill. The verbal, physical, and sexual abuse I endured... most of it has not ended. Things were normalized for me that should never have been. There was and is nothing I can, and really nothing anyone else around me will do about him, so I've realized recently that I need to do what I can to help and protect myself. I will not have knives slid under my door while I stand on the other side, holding the lock so he cannot come in... it takes too much of my energy -- it drains me -- to hear him now... bringing me down... when I can still hear and feel the past so readily. He has hurt and abused me my whole life, as your brother did, and I don't think I know how to deal with it still but I know I have to find a way or it will just eat away at my life and my other relationships. Somewhere in ourselves, we have to find distance from them...

Thank you for posting what you did, it was very valuable to me today, to know I'm not alone in that battle...

Doody is right Ellie..you can't let your brother hold you hostage to his threats of commiting suicide. He may very well kill himself someday but that isn't your "job" in life to live in fear of it nor think you can prevent it.

You have already had to endure much more in your life than you should have from a sibling and from parents who were irresponsibile.

There's nothing wrong with loving the brother you wish you had...the one who cried..but you have to take of you.

Oh, and this forum loves new people....welcome.

(((Annabell))) Are you in the same home with your brother?

You are absolutely right dear heart. You have to distance yourself from 'toxic' people...you have to if you want any qualilty of life.

And therapy didn't help your brother, but it may very well help you. Life is just too damned short to waste it on ne'er-do-wells and problems we can't seem to fix. There is, honest, too much beauty in the world to waste your precious time here on earth. We can't always see the miracles around us when we're engulfed in emotional turmoil.

Stand up for yourself and love yourself. We can't change our pasts but we can try to feel better for our futures.

I'm very strange. I've taken to sticky notes on my mirrors. When I think of something about myself that I like, I write it down and stick it on the mirror and I'll be darned if there aren't quite a few up there. My favorite is that I was a good mom.

You and Ellie are too good to let the bastards get you down.