And my Rose of Sharon is not blooming yet. *grin

BJ, it will be ok. Warm hugs

I don't know what's wrong with me and I'm scared and I can't be alone this weekend. I called my pdoc today and said please help me. And I'm ashamed because I started cutting again. If my mom knows this I'm sure she'll be so disappointed in me.

I spend so much time in my garden because my mom is there. She gave me this garden angel and told me that anytime I feel lonely to go out in my garden and she'll be there. But she's not.

we are all here for you bj.

i wish i could take the scareness away. i am very proud of you that you called your pdoc.

it will be ok.

that flower bloomed as a way of your mother telling you...it will be ok.

She is there BJ and not just in the garden..she's in your heart. Try to think of all the good memories you have of her....and she'd understand about the cutting...it's momcat stuff! I'm glad you called the dr. I don't think you should be alone...please make plans...church, movie anything.

And talk here....we care.

BJ

Every flower tells a story.......One of Beauty, Individuality, Perfection, and Creation.

In your photograph the angel has a white flower situated near the wing, Every year this flower will pass away but next year two will take its place.
Flowers are signs of immortality.


YOU WILL flower again,

As a survivor of suicide myself, i often wilt, my petals,.. more often than not drop off, and at time my appearance wouldn't win any Flower contest.[ so to speak] But each time i hit the ground,... like nature around me i crawl back up, and blossom at some point [some may say i'm like a perenial weed, but who gives a S**t]

Take care of you!!!!!! Let me know when your next in bloom. I'm counting on you.

((((((BJ)))))),

Did I ever give you this link -->> Hello from Heaven. Most of us that have experienced this have gotten a sign from a messenger. Your Mom told you EXACTLY where she would be when you needed her. You don't need to look for a sign

((((((BJ)))))), 'member when I told you the other day that those of us that carry so much pain in our hearts and in our souls have learned to hold our breath as a way of blocking the pain?? I suggested something that will help release the breathing and release the pain.

Did you ever think that maybe-maybe, BJ, you're being drawn to a place where your Mom said you could connect with her because this is THE PLACE where you will be able to be calm and quiet and BREATHE DEEPLY with the beautiful pink lungs that were given to you by G-d and your Mom (and your Dad too).

Honey, I've been on both sides of suicide too many times. Lost a brother, lost a boy friend, almost lost myself (in 7 attempts).

You can't stop the pain. You have to go through it.

You can't cut to stop the pain. I've never cut. I understand, though, that it's a way to release the pain. It won't work. You have to go through the pain -->> from the beginning to the end, by that I mean you have to experience it. Get your breathing under control and allow yourself to cry and to talk in the one place where your Mom told you she will always meet you.

When you get yourself into a calmer state, your Mom will come to you in your dreams. My Brother came to me and told me to stop trying to follow him.

Can you get yourself down on the ground?? If you can, get yourself a nice soft blanket and a pillow and box of Kleenex and a tall glass of ice water. Sit next to or in front of the statue and the flowers and BREATHE deeply. In and out. Think about what's hurting so much inside. Breathe. And remember. Breathe and think. Picture your head laying in your Mom's lap with her hand stroking your forehead. BREATHE until you cry, honey.

You're not a disappointment. You're not a failure. You're hurting and you don't know how, or you haven't learned how to let go of the hurt.

You know, BJ, that phrase "letting go", some people think it means never thinking about a loved one again. Some people think it means giving up all your wonderful memories. When you "let go", you only have to let go of the pain. Everything else can stay. It's like a handful of balloons on strings. You can pick through each individual string and pull out the collapsed balloons and keep the full ones. If that would help visualize what you need to, go to the five-and-ten and get some balloons and string and see how easy it is to let go of pain, once you realize that you don't have to let go of everything.

Hang on tight to us, ((((((BJ)))))). We understand what you're going through and we're willing to help.

Connect to your Mom, I know she can help through this. Close your eyes and picture her hand reaching down to embrace you.

BIG HUGS (and love).

Barb

Oh gosh, I sure know what you mean.
BJ, I totally understand what you mean about her not being there. The thing is that as Alffe said, she lives in your heart and as horrible as it is during the really difficult times, it's just not possible for her to wrap her arms around you in the same way that she once did. I'm so sorry, but I don't even know your age or if you have other family or anything like that. I'm old in body but young in mind. Well, I'm not really OLD old, but I'm getting on a bit and the bones are a bit creaky, but you know what, when things are really really bad, the one thing I want is for my mother to wrap her arms around me and take it all away. But, she can't.

There are times in my life when I think that losing a mother when you're young sort of stops a person from growing up in some ways. I know, people think it's the opposite. That if you have huge loss like that, then it makes you grow up faster. Well, it might make people strong and independent but there's always that child or young woman who didn't get to follow through on the mother daughter relationship and grow together. That might sound weird, but it seems as if it's left a mark on me that way. As if at times all I want is to to go back to being that child again with the mother and the father who kept me safe and loved me and that was all that I needed in the whole world and then everything would be alright.

When I was 4 years old, my mother died of cancer. I don't remember what she looked like. She was only 34 years old and apart from a couple of photographs that were given to me I don't even remember anything about her really. I don't remember what she looked like, how she walked, what she smelled like. Nothing. Obviously I must have remembered once, but that faded long long ago. What I do remember though is going looking for her after she'd gone. I too went to the garden looking for her. I couldn't find her anywhere and she wasn't there either, but I did find something else and it's actually helped me through the most difficult days and also the gentlest days for the past 50 years. I found her face. I see her face in every flower I ever see or touch. What I do find very helpful always is actually digging in the garden ... just cleaning it out or sorting it out and planting and taking the moment to see how beautiful everything is there. The similarities with what you wrote in your post and how it is / was for me is very moving for me. (((BJ)))

This of course doesn't help me so much with the grief and the longing. Even though I don't even remember her, I do know about the longing. BJ, you need to try to remember that your mother loved you. I'm certain that your mother would have worried about your future and how you'd get on in the world without her. The thing is that your mother can't make sure you're OK or can she say in words to you that you'll be OK. I do know one thing though, you, BJ, can make sure you're OK.

You can however work through this and the time to do that in my opinion is not when you're scared and lonely and in pain. The time to do that is when you're feeling safer and not lonely and are feeling stronger. The pain will never really go away, but you will come to a different place and probably like me, you'll still feel your mother's presence in the garden and that can envelop you. I have a good friend, my age, who lost her mother not too long ago and her mother made the most beautiful handmade quilts. What I suggested to her was to take out the most treasured quilt and to wrap herself in it when she was lonely and sad. She finds great comfort in that.

Well, I've almost written a book here, I'm sorry.
I hope you're asleep right now or at least resting. I hope you're alright tonight. I wish you weren't alone and I wish you weren't scared. I hope you can find the strength to call someone or have someone come over to just be around. I don't necessarily mean for them to come over to talk about really serious things with you right now. Just someone who can help make you feel safe and more secure... some companionship.

I'm so sorry for your pain, BJ. I really am.

This forum is just filled with the most incredibly understanding people. I feel so blessed to have you all in my life.

BJ, I woke up with a prayer on my lips for you. Warm hugs.

(((BJ))) my thoughts and prayers are with you, and I especially pray that you can feel your mom's love for you and God's arms wrapped around you and her forever

It will be ok BJ

you have come so far already

just rest a while and try to find a peaceful place inside you.... and outside in your beautiful garden sanctuary

Lara and Barb spoke so touchingly to my heart too of being able to breathe and find that place of respite in the garden....I pray you will find it BJ

for you and all the precious, caring members of this room

hello dear bj

i have to ditto alffe. woke up this morning thinking of you. sent up moring prayers for you while i had my coffee. i know the extra jolt will send those prayers up like a rocket!

we aren't your mother...but we are your sisters and brothers. we give lots of love and awesome hugs. we will always be here for you...for better or worse. no divorce here.

i pray that you have an ok..peaceful day.