My daughter hates me...

funny how the sentence above doesn't sound like something that would follow the title of this post...but please indulge me a bit...
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I am now a closet country music listener. I am not sure why and I would never admit it to anyone I know (but here I am posting it at a public forum. LOL) I grew up listening to all sorts of music: rock, heavy metal, classics, discos, love songs, 40's and 50's, big bands and jazz. I listened to almost everything but country.

I couldn't stand it as a youth and as an adult. I always thought it was quite whiny...

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So, we just visited our family up north. I got into a big fight with my step daughter. It was one of those unavoidable and long time coming type of thing and I got to my boiling point and let it all loose...
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my life the last two years has probably been the best years of my life. I met someone that loves me back as much as I love her. She is a special soul and I am ever so lucky...I've never wanted nothing more...

I listened to a lot of heavy metal music when I was younger that were very destructive, because I was very destructive both inside and out. Plus, I loved to head bang...LOL

I am shy and nervous and non-agressive by nature, but my parents fought literally "EVERYDAY" while I was growing up. It made me insecure, scared, and frightened all the time because I didn't know when the next knife was going to be thrown or when the next fight to death was going to be. I remember running away a lot or finding excuses to sleep over at friend's house on the weekends or even week nights. Some nights, I'd snuck out to the nearby cemetary to sleep there cause I actually felt "safe"...

I simply wanted my parents to NOT fight, they didn't needed to love eachother...I just needed them to NOT fight...I've never wanted nothing more...

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I truly care about my step daughter...I met her at the TS conference almost 10 years ago when she was just 15 years old. Back then, the wife, the step daughter were just friends...I became friends with the whole family...was invited to go up to Thanksgiving and formed strong bond with the family...but most of all, with the wife and the step daughter...

if you know me, you'd know that I am man of honor and that there were NO hanky pankying going around and that there were NOT even any romantic intentions for me (and I am sure for my wife as well) we were all just great friends that was part of a special group that met at the Tourette Syndrome Conference. 19 of us plus quite a few in the chatroom. Some of those folks still come here til this day. Lara and Addy being part of that special group that really changed the course of my life, literally...through them, I learned how to become the better person that I was inside...

eventually, Alpho, doody, scrabbly, ducky, ee, vicky and others came into my life as well that really made me realize that there are true friendships in this world...

I value friendships so much...I've never wanted nothing more...
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I love 80's music, that was my "era" I can probably win Trivia Pursuit when it comes to 80's music...they were bubble gummy, stupid, wild, and made absolutely no sense at times...

that described my life around that period of time...my life was bubble gummy because I didn't wanted to admit that I had a horrible family life...

I acted stupid with my friends...we'd hung out on the weekends, go camping, go to the movies, go to the beach...we'd get into troubles by TPing someone's house and get caught. We'd have bb gun fights that would leave welts and bruises yet never thought about shooting our eyes out. We'd camp near snake holes and would try to scare eachother while the other person was going to number 1 or number 2 and yell "SNAKE!!" and then laughed our heads off. We were dummies...teenagers turning into young adults through trial and errors...

through our zits and our hormones...we ate pizza to scary movies and burped and passed gas while wrestling to sit on eachother's faces...

it was a period in my life that made absolutely no sense to me...still doesn't...

...I've never wanted nothing more...

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My daughter is a sweet kid...but some how, in the past few years, she decided to take some twists and turns and have gotten into a lot of problems...but because of her sweet nature...we've stood by her, again and again...but it was taking tolls on us...physically and mentally...

she is brilliant...a gifted musician and artist most of it self-taught....but has fallen on the indolent side where she simply just doesn't want to work and sheds her responsibilities...I won't go into the deep details about what we've endured because of my wife...but let's just say that whenever she felt like she is going to do something "stupid" she'd do it because it is HER life..but when that something turns wrong, as we would suspect, her life now becomes OUR lives because we now have to fix it...

I remember one conversation she had with me awhile back...she mentioned that she felt pressured by us because we think she is a failure...

I had to pull a Bill Cosby on her and told her how stupid and ridiculous that sounded...

all we want, is for her to be happy...but she doesn't know how...she sweats the little things...instead of enjoying our visits...she simply sweats the little things that don't matter...

I told her this: We are not asking you to be rich, we are not asking you to be anything...we are simply asking that you let go of stupid idiosyncrocys and follow through with your own chores...such as getting a job...it can be anything...such as taking care of your house...don't make things so hard on yourself when things can be so easy...

I had to tell her that her happiness (simple happiness) is what we wanted for her...and we never wanted nothing more...
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my dear wife, she is a wonderful woman...one of her qualities that I admire so much and am so attracted to is that she finds enjoyments in the simplest things...

she can sit there and cross-stitch for hours, and smile and listen to her music and I'd simply like to watch her...in her blissfulness...

She would be sitting at the comfy big chair with her cross stitch while the soft music is playing...

I'd sit on the other side of the couch just watching her, drunk in her blissfulness...which is magnified even more when I'd bring her a glass of wine and see her content smile...

that makes me feel like I am "home" and I've never wanted nothing more....

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My father passed away four years ago....

I was very angry....at him, at myself, at my mother...toward the last two years of his life...I ended up home helping taking care of him...he was dying of heart failure while battling his diabetes, dimentia and other problems...

he had no savings, no insurance...all his medications were out of pocket...

my mom worked two jobs and I worked three...and between the two of us, we took cared of him...

It was hard...there sat an emaciated man that was afraid to eat anything, afraid to do anything...he had Jesus on one hand and the buddha on the other hand...trying to get all his bases covered because he was an atheist all his life...

he listened to weird music and messages about after life...

at that time, my world was mute...I no longer listened to any music...my world was work and noise...I didn't listen to any radio, kept up with any music...the world was mute and I was deaf...

yet, before that, I listened to a lot of dark music about suicides...and from there, I turned all of the music off when I got occupied with my father...

we didn't talk much...I listened to him more than I talked...I hated to see him like that...and I had a lot to say yet I couldn't say anything...

I just wanted to help ease his pains and sufferings and tried to think of ways to cook healthy for him, to boost his morales, to boost his mental psyche...

we talked more about philosophy than anything else...

I'd massage his cracked feet trying to make him feel better...

the whole time, I was fighting within...there lied this man that I both love and hated...

I never told him I loved him...ever...

now, I wish I had...I never wanted nothing more....

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so...we came home recently from this long trip...to find out that our 18 year old cat, Dan, is missing...it's been almost 9 days since we've been back and we've looked everywhere even animal shelter....

he was such a cute and sweet cat...I remember before we left on this trip, saying good bye to him asking him to live until we get back...because we know that at his age, any day now, that he would be gone...

but he never listened too well...and now...we think this is it...

there is this spot within us that is mixed with sadness, a little bit of hope, and an emptiness...

something special, in our lives, are gone again...earlier this year, we lost our cat Simba...and now, Dan...the emptiness will never be filled...yet....

for me, I am looking for an understanding...about life, about what could've been done and not done and if I've done the best I could've...

I am not sure...but I KNOW that deep inside that I truly loved them...and I wish I can hold them one last time...I've never wanted nothing more...

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I am glad I had it out with daughter...because it is time to set boundaries and time to set limits...because I think we've exhausted all our revenues and it is time to go this route...to her, it will look like I don't like her or hate her...

but deep inside...it is a kind of push that she might need...tough love, some calls it...

all I want, is for her to be happy, but to get there, is a tough road...but that is all I want for her...and I've never wanted nothing more...

I know it's a tough road...cause I've been there...

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My life has it's up and downs, whose doesn't???

But through my up and downs...I have changed and evolved with it...so has my music...

so, here I am, today...and this today, my choice is country....

I am finding country music to be exactly where my life is...

and a song by Kenny Chesney recently can sum it up pretty good...I'll list the lyrics below and also include a link to the music...

there is a reason why I am still here at this forum...cause I care about my friends here...I wish that when you are in pain, I can take it away or suffer it for you...I wish that when you are happy, that I can be there with you and share your happiness...

I never wanted nothing more....

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Never Wanted Nothing More - Kenny Chesney

I couldn't wait to turn sixteen
and drive all the boys around
Foot on the gas and hands on the wheel
was all i could think about

A little rust in the bed of that truck
and a four speed on the floor
Five hundred dollars
it was mine all mine
and i never wanted nothing more

I took Katie down by the river
with a six dollar bottle of wine
Just a fool tryin to play it cool
hopin she'd let me cross the line

and I was prayin that she couldn't tell
I'd never been that far before
The first time's a one time feeling
and I never wanted nothin more...
no I never wanted nothin more

Well, I'm what I am and I'm what I'm not
and I'm sure happy with what I've got
I live and love and laugh a lot
and that's all I need

My buddies all tried to change my mind
but I told them that i thought it through
Well Katie laughed and my momma cried
when they heard me say i do

Her little ring was a little thing
but it was all that i could afford
now shes mine all mine
till the day i die
and i never wanted nothing more
no i never wanted nothing more

Well, im what i am and im what im not
and im sure happy with what i've got
i live and love and laugh alot
and that's all i need

One Sunday I listened to the preacher
and i knew he was preaching to me
I couldn't help it I walked up front
and I got down on my knee

Right then and there I swear
I changed when I found the Lord
Glory Hallelujah Good God Almighty
I never wanted nothing more
no i never wanted nothing more

Well, I'm what I am and I'm what I'm not
and I'm sure happy with what I've got
I live and love and laugh a lot
and that's all I need

I never wanted nothing more
and I never wanted nothing more

(The song can be heard by clicking below

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Df8kD...elated&search= )

peace out...

tough love...who is it tougher on? been there..doing that.

never give up.

she is mrs moi's by birth. love straight from her mommy heart from the first day until forever.

she is yours cuz you wanted her to be. that bond is a strong one that will be tested and tested. it takes a strong man. you are one.

dear moi...but you are here.

the friendships that have been made..some longer and stronger..some newer and growing..will always be in our hearts.

now go give mrs moi a butt squeeze

and thee, deary, will be added to my special friends list...

I hope everything is going well for you...

Maybe when she hears you ask to give up her idiosyncrasies and get a job, she's hearing "give up your life and dreams, and join the chain gang in prison." Maybe she's afraid you are more concerned with her appearance than her heart. People don't like to be told how to run their lives. After a certain age, kids don't like it either.

Maybe you should go head-to-head with your daughter. Keep it real and give it lots of love, and you'll be spinning in rhythm around the dance floor together. You were young once too.

It's important to follow your heart and your dreams, but it's also important to eat and have a roof over your head. If she wants to go nekid, that's her choice - but she might not meet the right man that way.

Good luck. Daughters are well known for turning their father's hair gray. I hope you dance.

LOL Kathy,

I think you read my post the wrong way...I would never tell her NOT to follow her heart...as I've stated, there was a lot that wasn't included...

as a matter of fact...I bought her a computer a couple of years ago, brand new, cause she told me she wanted to pursue her dream as a photographer...and we encouraged her...got her all the right stuff, video cameras, computers, softwares and all...

but it didn't happen...

If she wants to dance nekkid and that will make her happy. I am all for it...I would NEVER stop that...whatever makes her happy...

I think her problem, as I've stated, is sweating all the small stuff and not looking at the bigger picture...

I am in agreement with your statements but just wanted you to know that I have been "running" with her for a long long time...but it is time to go the other direction...

as for the gray hair, well, yes, the warning is a bit late but thanks! LOLOLOL

I hope you dance too!

(((Who Moi))))))))))))))

Actually, I know you both (well, I know the 3 of you really but mean you and daughter) and I think that you and she are very alike. She's still young. It's tough being young and she's had a tough time with life throwing out all manner of hurdles. She'll come around. She's strong and so are you.
It's a very difficult thing being a parent. I know with my two how difficult it's been and I know how they have always played myself off against *homer* lol. Still do to this day from time to time. Sometimes you have to stick to your ground. They might not like it on the day but one day they'll say they appreciated it. It's happened to me and been a great delight really. Makes all the tough days and there's lots of those still now with parenting a 20 year old and and 18 year old and they both have their special ummm qualities lol.

I went through a period over a year ago when things were falling apart here a bit because daughter was ill with all her kidney problems and oc stuff and hated school and all sorts of things and her brother had been befriended by some jerk of a person who ended up stealing money from him... anyway, long story short, I made a couple of huge decisions then and stuck my ground and it all sorted out in the long run. In your situation something I would wonder would be how difficult it may be (and it may not, I'm only just observing) for you to have become Father when once you were Friend???

much love, Lara

Edited to add: LOL I just saw that you were Mellow Yellow!

hi Lara!

Thanks for your post.

I am terribly sorry that you had to go through what you went through with J and S. It must have been tough and I remember the "homer" thing in the chatrooms...still makes me smile...LOL

The friendship to father thing was definitely hard...and there are things that I just can't nor want to post in the open forum. I actually felt like I shouldn't have posted about it but it has been bugging me so...and I actually just wanted to make it as light hearted as possible with the post...LOL

But one thing you've said I am in total sync with. STICKING TO MY GROUND is what I am going to do...following through with my words with actions are better than anything...that is what I am hoping daughter will do...

I'll say this much...this is very critical at this stage in her life because our grand children ARE at stake here...

I guess what I should've ended to my long/winding/country post was that it was OK that my daughter hates me now, but in the long run, she'll know that what happened, was not done out of hate, but love...
and that, I never wanted nothing more....

either way, thanks for you post. It brought a smile to my face and wonderful memories in the chatroom/DC/Oregon/Washington State. LOLOLOL

much love also

moi

Hi Moi (and Curious and KathyM and Lara *womanwaving)!

I know how impossible it is to write all there is to tell... and at some point, most of us can't help but interpret your situation to be similiar to something we might have experienced....
and that is why I'm responding here...
cuz I'd like to say what this sounds like, to me.

Just like any loving, compassionate parent, you and Mrs.Moi helped step daughter pursue her photography dream. My thoughts are that this likely overwhelmed her... she didn't have a "plan"... she has a dream... but not the skills to organize the plan. OR, she has the skills but she lacks the energy (is she depressed?) ... OR she is scattered (is she adhd?)... OR she has anxiety (is she OCD?)...
Something is stopping her... its something inside her... and maybe she needs a few more of life's experiences to teach her this... or maybe she needs to take some classes... or therapy...

I'm sure she feels like a disappointment to herself - and beats herself up in silence, too.
I feel she's likely very confused... still very young...

Not the same, but I was that young girl once.

And I've been that parent, too.
I might agree with Lara that you see some of you in her... as I do with 2 of my 3 sons.

Anyway... I cherish our online friendship and am grateful that I am here to hold out my hand of comfort. I look forward to the day we meet in person (remember, we talked on the phone when many of us were at the TS conference in Victoria, BC?)

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Also, I'm so sorry to hear of your kitty cats. I know how much it hurts
I hope things get better real soon!
xooxoxo Addy

[QUOTE=who moi;134271
If she wants to dance nekkid and that will make her happy. I am all for it...I would NEVER stop that...whatever makes her happy...

[/QUOTE]Well, alrighty then. I'd warn her against hanging around Polish people too much. You wouldn't want to see her end up married to a Pole, dancing around and performing for strangers, now would ya?