[Bamboo]

**********SCREAM*********************

Can anyone hear me?
Does it even matter??

**********SCREAM********************

No, look, noone hears me!!!
It might be an internal scream but it is SO loud people must be able to hear it!
I think i'm invisible.

Ok i'm just going to say it - i wish i was dead.
Is that simple enough? Or do i have to give people details?

I don't even care anymore. Fine, don't hear me, i only wanted to be saved. I guess that is too much to ask.

I read the post above about being suicidal and what to do. I felt my for a heartbeat....God that made me cry. I'm the only person who is checking that i am alive.



Noone will take me seriously.
Maybe i AM just a attention-seeking.....something. What am i?? A dot? A blip? A ghost?

Two weeks till a psychiatric appointment. What an absolute f*ucking joke - am i expected to stay alive till then?

Have people forgotten that for me every second is an eternity?
Oh yeh sorry - you dont see me do you!!



(obviously i'm not yelling at the people on this forum...)

[Wren]

Hi Bamboo ~ First thing ---
here's a hug

[FeelinGoofy]

Hi Bamboo,
I'm really sorry you are having such a hard time right now.... Would you like
to talk about whats going on???
{{{{HUGS}}}}
vicky

[Wren]

Bamboo ~ I hope you'll be reading soon.... I know you aren't now.

Can anyone hear me?
Does it even matter??

Yes, I can hear you and it matters so very, very much to me. Please know that.

Would it help you any for me to tell you that I'm 63 years old and I know how you feel, I understand what you're saying.

Can you telephone your doctor's office and ask for an earlier appointment? Tell them that you're having such a difficult time waiting? Tell them how you feel.

Please hang on. Please talk to us.

[moose53]

((((((Bamboo)))))),



I **HEAR** you

Maybe you're screaming for the wrong people to help you. Some people are incapable of helping. It's like calling for the police when what you really need is the fire department

I doubt that you're an attention-seeker. Most of us are hurt and wounded

Bamboo, one thing that I've learned through all of this is that you have to be very CLEAR. Inner screaming doesn't get heard by anyone, not even ourselves.

If you think of yourself as a 'dot' or a 'blip' or a 'ghost', maybe no one else recognizes what you REALLY ARE. There's an awful lot of ghosts around this time of year. You *DO* appear half 'ghostly' -->> Bam-*BOO*

Maybe you need to SPEAK UP more for what you WANT and for what you NEED. Even though we like to think that people that 'love us' can 'understand us' without words, mostly they can't. They need the WORDS to be *OUT LOUD* so that they can hear over their own inner turmoil.

Bamboo, if you're feeling like you can't wait until your appointment, call for an earlier appointment. Or go to the emergency ward. Or go see a priest or a minister or a rabbi. Or go sit next to a nice, big, fat, old tree. Trees have an amazing healing power and they understand what it's like to "feel broken".

Next time you see a tree, take a real good look at its limbs. Do you see how many limbs are broken or misshapen. There's a tree near me that's got bugs in its roots and it's all rotted out near the ground. All the top branches have been broken off in the storms. There's squirrels and birds living inside all the holes throughout its trunk. And, yet, every spring, I see new little branches growing out with beautiful little green leaves on them

The tree struggles real hard to survive. I hope *THE HUMAN* YOU knows how to do a real good tree imitation -->> keep on fighting, keep on surviving.

We're all here for you. We can help best when we know what the problem is. But, we can help too, if you're not ready to talk about "the problem".

Stay strong. Keep yourself safe. And **TALK** -- talk to us, write in a book, talk to your psychiatrist, talk to a religious person, talk to a friend or a family memeber, talk to the trees.



BIG HUGS.

Barb

[~scrabble]

Hi Bamboo .... I care about you too.

By talking, and writing where people will read it, you will be heard. I agree that not everyone will be the right person to 'hear' you though. I like the suggestions that the others here have given you about who you can try to talk to. Just don't give up.

Do call your doctor's office and explain that you really must see your doctor sooner. I know I have had to be more assertive to feel I was being heard when the receptionist/nurse tried to say "there, there ... it will be OK" and I KNEW it just wasn't that simple! They can't read your mind though so you must be prepared to say the words to be able to get the help you need.

I hope you come back to read these replies so you know we care and we want to know how you are doing.

Take care, Bamboo.

p.s. Barb, I like your tree photo. Is that you?? Very cool tree.

[bizi]

hi Bamboo,
I am so sorry that you are hurting inside.
Keep talking, posting, venting ...here and in a journal if you can muster to do this. Then bring that in if you are ahaving a hard time telling some one your story.
It is ok to get upset and emotional...sone times we have to show people our true emotions..that is the only way for them to get it...is to see it.
I hope you know that you can go to the emergency room if you are afraid that you are going to hurt yourself....
You are suffering so and this must be so hard to deal with.
take one day, one hour at a time.....warm baths used to help soothe me when I was feeling panicy.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

[Wren]

I sure wish you would come back and let us know you're OK.

We care about you so much.....

[Bamboo]

thank you for listening to me.

I have been feeling so low for quite a while now. Usually i have a break at some point but this has been going on for so long and the thoughts running through my mind are too much too take for such a length.

I have tried to ask for help, my doctor hardly listened until i asked for someone to speak on my behalf which made me feel like i was even more invisible!!

I talked to the my uni counsellor a week ago, i told her in two weeks thing would be getting a lot worse because i could not see life beyond that point. I told her i was going to buy a knife and i was in the process of searching for the perfect one that would do the most damage. I told her. All she did was ask me to join a low mood group. I screamed internally. again.

But i dutifully met that coordinator of that group today. She said i was abrupt and wondered if i would fit in the group because i may upset people.
That made me feel like slicing myself into pieces right there and then. It has confirmed my fear that i am nothing. I am a danger to others. I am evil. I don't fit into their little world of groups that could make me better. I am seperate - i am someone that appears angry and abrupt but i just want to cry - i just want to cry. I just want to cry. I want someone to see i'm in pain. Please.

She asked how low i was on a scale of 0 - 10, i said 1, she wondered at how i could be so low when i obviously was able to move. Yes, i can move - i have the energy to do a lot more - especially if it involves self-destruction.....I was going to say 0 but if i said that i would have been pretty much dead so i think 1 is more accurate.

I trusted my counsellor. I need someone to take me seriously. Is it wrong to want help? See, there it is - my will to live! But...it is fading rapidly. I have absolutely no idea where to turn or if i can. No one believes me. I seriously think i'm invisible. Maybe i am not meant to be saved. Maybe this is the way it should be.

I cannot do this for another second.
Will people know how hard i have tried. How often i have asked for help?
Should i really be expected to continue?




I am going to go find that tree. I am going to sit under it and attempt to feel real. Nature is more understanding than people.
I have a favorite bench in the park...it is nice and secluded. I have often thought about that spot...

[lou_lou]

hello dear,
yes I have screamed outloud, but I hurt my own ears?
I hope you enjoy the outside whereever you are because nature will nuture you, and perhaps your scream will turn into singing...

if you are feeling suicidal - most people I have known have been there,
either forever scared from the attempt - or the heaviness
of the heart whom was severely damaged - because it was someone they loved so very much died , in my case t'was both...
is it possible you may change your mind -
by an act of your will - example - you do not feel remotely happy, perhaps even pisssssed off abit,
one must realize we are respondsible for our "I" problems.

ask yourself why you feel like dying? instead of living?
ask your eyes? how they feel when you vocalize this?
I am very serious about this... have you ever tried speaking to your body, well it listens and keeps score of
all negative and positive things that have happen to you, physically and emotionally...
because truly it is trying to do what you wish it to do?
and your crossed circuits are confusing your body/ and mind...
I am a great advocate of talking it out even if I'm by myself, we all have a touch of sanity in our insanity.