Mans' inhumanity to man.... Makes me want to kick some ***** and take names but that's no help to you. I believe that you feel very vulnerable, very "out there", very...very..tired of this constant failure of things to "work out"....it's the little things that push us to the limits sometimes.

I have faith in your doctor...I have faith in your ability to hang tough and have the last word in all this...the last word being a life worth living. It's easy for the rest of us to ask you to be patient...you're the one having to live it.

I know in my heart of hearts that there was absolutely nothing you could have done to save Mark...I also understand that you wanted to and feel guilty that you didn't.

I think you are just awesome BJ...I've never met anyone as inspiring in my life.

Praying for you ... sending you love and BIG wishes for the best

I can't go on like this with no sleep and wandering mind. I can't say that my time "there" was wasted because I know what's wrong, what's eating at me but I can't fix it. It was such a happy night with Mark's graduation, I never knew, never had a clue. I just feel so guilty that I should have known something was wrong. My dad seemed to turn his back on me after it happened. We never had the relationship that we once had after it happened. My mom was always my mom and never brought it up again, she couldn't even talk about it. I've taken 3 showers tonight trying to make make all the guilt go away but it won't.

I'm talking to the partners today and asking if they could have a little consideration and give me assignments in private instead of blurting it out in front of everyone else. I have a recorder on my phone and I could just push the button and record it, or write it down if they give me time.

I can't remember much of my past life and I'm having a hard time remembering new things. But I can't think of any thing that was wrong that night. But I can't get that into this swiss cheese brain of mine. I'm supposed to go to grief counseling this afternoon but I told my pdoc I'd rather talk to her instead of going there until I can grieve.

bj, you can't remember or think of any signs, because there weren't any. many times people who plan suicide are so caught up in it, they think it's the right thing to do and have an inner peace. their brains are fooling them and everyone around them.

everyone has thier own religious beliefs, but i believe that a darker power has a force in it. nothing the person did wrong to bring it on, but that bad stuff finds a way in.

talking about does cause pain. it can alsp help heal. it's a wound that never will heal, but the pain changes.

very good idea about getting your assignments in private.

i hope today is peaceful at work for you.

Running to catch the South Shore train here but wanted to leave hugs for the room.

You are just stuck in an awful place. I think you really need to go for the grief counseling. Guilt aways is a huge part of being left behind after a loved one kills themself. When our Michael did this, I also had no clue. I had spoken to him on the phone...invited him over for chili but he said he had a cold and was just going to chill out. I said, I love you and he said I love you too. That was the last time I heard his voice.

Like your Mom...I couldn't talk about it...for years, I couldn't and wouldn't talk about what he'd done and I was so angry at him.

There is no logic in our thinking at a time like that. But I thought I should know why he did it and why I didn't have a clue. There are no answers to those questions.

I should have gone for counseling because I, like you, was just stuck there.

Yes I'm stuck and no one understands what I'm going through. I'm just so mixed up. I've tried and tried to figure out why it happened but I can't. I don't even know why I have to know why now. Maybe it's because I need to know that my dad didn't go to his grave angry with me, but why did our relationship change? I know definitely my mom wasn't angry. We never talked about "it" and I know she was hurting terribly inside but she never ever questioned me about it. I can't even get out what happened on Friday but I did something I haven't done since I went into the hospital. I'm ashamed but can't help feeling that I deserve this, that someway I'm responsible for what happened. I know there's no answer and I'll never know it and that's what's eating at me.

please don't hurt yourself ....
we need you here.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

There are stages of grief...I don't remember what they all are but for me, the toughest one was acceptance. There are still times, after 15 years of living without Michael when I am filled with rage...that he could have done such an awful thing to his family, that he missed out on being an uncle to his sisters kids, and now, he'd be a grandfather if he were alive.

Our oldest daughter wrote me a beautiful letter, which I still have, asking me if she and her sisters weren't reason enough for me to go on living. She asked me if I loved Michael more than my other children.

Suicide has such a devastating effect on those who are left behind because the guilt is crushing and because there are no answers. My poor husband wondered if someone had killed our son...as if somehow that would make it easier to accept and understand.

You have come so far and tried so hard to help yourself...please continue down this same road and try to remember how many of us admire you and are walking beside you.

(((bj)))

maybe your dad just didn't know how to express his feeling and in frustration, it came out as anger.



day by day...hour by hour...minute by minute. we are all here for you.