How are things going? Are you sleeping? Are you sick of me asking?

Yep....she's baaaaaaaaaaaaaack! LOL

No Alffe I'd never get tired of you asking and welcome back.

I just feel I've wasted so much time and energy for nothing. Two months "there", new machine and absolutely nothing but nightmares and confusion. These "treatments" were supposed to help me get out of this hole and all they've done is make me lose my memory, my skills, my reasoning, my thinking. You remember when I said I was going to go back to work and you said if they don't get "it" Alffe? No they don't get it. They stare, they laugh, they talk behind my back. I can't help but think these treatments were done "to" me not for me. All they've done is give me constant headaches, literally. I sat at my mom's grave yesterday and asked her what have I done to deserve this? Am I being punished for not being able to cope? Am I being punished for not knowing and realizing that Mark desperately needed help? I didn't know and if I had known I would have done everything in my power to stop him. No one knew but should I have known because we were so close?

I had so much confidence and was always full of life and now I just feel worthless. It's 5:45 AM and I haven't even been to sleep yet but I have to go to work for 1/2 day and try to be "somebody".

BJ...you are somebody! You're a part of this forum family and we recognize your courage in trying this hard to improve the quality of your life...hell, you want a life worth living and are brave enough to reach out for it. I think you are wonderful and I'm not the only one thinking that!

Your feelings about Mark are so typical of what we survivors feel...if only...that never seems to go away for us.

What does your pdoc think about where you are in this process? Are you turned up as high as you can be? How about the mask...did it ever come?
You can't NOT sleep...(((BJ))) My dear fatherinlaw always used to tell me that nothing succeeds like success. Dear Lord, it's BJ's time to see some.

Have you heard anything from Ada? I know she hopes to have her hand surgery today.

You're co-workers are fools!

And thank you for the welcome home.

I think you're somebody .... I even think you're somebody special.

Hi Girlie,
It is a shame that your co-workers are so cruel.
I am rooting for you.
maybe one of them might be better if you took them one-on-one and tried to enlist her help, be a friend to you. How is your boss?
I hope that your half day goes better and that your cpap is that what you are waiting for? arrives soon so that you can get some sleep.
((((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Let us know how work went today....keeping you in my prayers.

bj....don't you worry....i let the flying monkey's outta the cage. they are going after your co-workers.



ditto what wren said. you are somebody pretty darn special.

I know I can't not sleep Alffe but I can't sleep with this VNS because I feel like I'm choking and I'm afraid to fall asleep. They were supposed to deliver my CPAP machine last week and I wasn't here and they didn't leave it even though I signed the release online. They finally delivered it yesterday but shipped the wrong mask. I've tried taking Benadryl but all it did was make my headaches worse. My pdoc only says give it time, it's too soon. We had a very bad session Monday because she told me that it was all in my head that people were staring and talking about me. It's not, I hear it, I see it. But maybe they're right in laughing. Today one of the partners asked me to prepare a Statement of Cash Flows for a company and I just stood there with a blank look on my face. For the life of me I couldn't remember what it was let alone how to prepare one. My memory is so bad and the simplest things I took for granted I can't remember anymore. That's why I have headaches all the time, trying to remember things. So I heard the giggles and hushed tones and yes they were real, I wasn't hearing things like before.

I worked until 12 today and didn't have my appointment until 2. I walked and walked in the rain until it was time to go. My pdoc took one look at me and thought I got caught in a downpour. I told her no, I feel dirty and I have to get it off. Why do I feel dirty? I don't know but I feel like I've done something very wrong and this is what I deserve. So round and round we went once again about grief, guilt and shame. There' just no answer and I can't undo the past. I couldn't read Mark's mind and know that something was wrong. My parents grieved, both died of heart attacks and it was my fault because I didn't know. I told her today that I'd rather be on antidepressants and manic than like this. Of course her answer was no, give it time, keep talking. She hugged me and said it will be okay BJ, I promise.

I'm chilled to the bone and I'm going to take a nice hot shower, have a cup of tea and hopefully I will sleep before I have to be ridiculed again tomorrow then go talk some more. Talking is so tiring. No I haven't heard from Ada Alffe because her computer is in the shop. Ada if you see this I'm wishing you all the best tomorrow for your surgery.

hugs to you my dear
((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))
bizi

((((((((((bj)))))))))))

what about setting an alarm? for even an hour? 30 minutes? try for little power cat naps. the alarm will be there to safe guard that you don't go into too deep of a sleep, but allow you to get some rest.

what about using one of those tiny pocket recorders? record what your boss needs you to do....and give yourself time to find the answers for what you don't remember. hubby has to use one. it takes time, but it becomes a habit and takes the stress off of having to remember.

you're a fighter bj.

i believe you about your co-workers. sounds like they got stuck in jr high. people can be cruel, but there are wonderful ones out there too.