Losing someone...anyone..but especially a child, to suicide is life changing.
You just don't know it at the time because you are in shock and can't think.
I'm still learning about the effects Michaels choice had on our family.

His dad shared this with me recently (maybe it was the wine that made him open it up.. ) Being male Mr.Alffe was always a take charge person, a solution oriented kind of guy...an "I can fix this now that I know what the problem is"
....a typical male type.

But...there was no fixing this! There was no solution, no way to make it better try tho he did. And it changed something in him...perhaps for the better because he had to realize that he wasn't in charge. And somehow that made it easier to go the distance...knowing that he couldn't change the world.

I finally came to the conclusion that Michaels death was an impulsive act.
Michael was an impulsive kind of guy and short on patience. Recently I read that there are four kinds of suicidal crisis.

"Impulsive suicidal behavior may follow anger, disappointment or frustraton. The emotional crisis may be only temporary, but for an impulsive person it could be extremely dangerous" *

And that reminds me of the awful moderator at our only support group here in town.


*Making Sense of Suicide" by David Lester, Ph.D

(((Alffe))) Mr. Alffe talks a lot though. He still does that very well.

I could never tell you enough times how sorry I am you lost Michael, never. But if I may say so, I have no doubt he's gone on to the bigger scheme of life, as will we go on.

I'll never forget when my neighbor's daughters came to my door and asked me to come to their mom's house. She was shopping at Wal-Mart. And they told me the news of her grandson's awful suicide. (This grandson was dear to us as well, he grew up next door, playing with my daughter, during summers and vacations.) When my friend came home we sat her in her chair, held her hands, and I told her what happened. I looked straight into her eyes and watched them turn black with shock.

She was never the same, she was elderly and very crippled with arthritis and her physical condition each year has gotten much worse.

But her grandson killed himself only 1 year after her only son died at 32 from skin cancer.

I don't think I could bear the loss of my daughter. I'm amazed and in awe of the person that you are!

You and Mr. Alffe have done so much and are so loving and caring. I love you both.

Oh, you were talking about impulsive suicide, sowwy.

My friend's grandson had many, many troubles. One after another. But he was heavily into drugs and alcohol. And my friend's son who had died, was like a dad to her grandson. He mourned him like a father. Her grandson had physical ailments, the drug problem, a wife who left him with his child, parents in poor physical health...and one night he went to visit his parents in a completely stupified state.

They tried to keep him there, (the family had decided to commit him) struggled with him to keep him there, but he got loose and went home, only a few homes down from where they lived. Went into his room and shot himself. His father had run down there and was only a moment too late when he got there. I guess I would call that impulsive because he was an impulsive kind of a kid. But at the same time, was consumed in a drugged state.

Ms Doody you make me blush. I love you too.

there was no support group in our town when Michael killed himself...there is one now and I decided to attend a meeting. The Moderator had us take turns talking about who we had lost and how long it had been.

I said that our son had put a gun in his mouth and blown off the top of his head. I said that I had finally come to terms with it..finally accepted it and felt that it was an impulsive act...a tragic accident.

She said "I never heard of anyone accidently blowing off the top of their head".

I get mad all over again whenever I think of that. I am entitled to my feelings.
We all are entitled to our feelings. A good moderator would have know that.

That's horrible Alffe. You always wonder whether it is a lack of training or a lack of compassion. I remember back in our support group for families of murder victims when the leader told my mom that my loss of my father and a parent's loss of a child was more devastating than her loss of a husband.

It really was horrible Julie. I'm not sure what her credentials are other than losing two family members to suicide.

I had intended to never go back there while she was the Mod. but the director of a group I was involved with called and asked if I would take a woman who had recently found her husband hanging in their closet. You really don't want to go alone when you are in the shock stage..so I took her twice, kept my mouth shut and she felt comfortable enough to go alone after that.

I keep hoping they will get a new mod. because I'd like to get active....it's been long enough now since Michael died that I feel my very presence proves that you can survive it.

((Alffe)) I love you too.

What a horrible comment from that moderator.

My neighbor's grandson died the same exact way. That's also how one of my uncles killed himself. And what a horrible thing for your friend to find.

One of our friends hung herself in high school. We were all so shocked. But when I look back, it's now obvious to me that she didn't seem happy at all. She was extremely physically beautiful, and a very nice person. But was so quiet. And I remember now how she looked to me all the time...withdrawn.

I'm ... I can't think of the words. I guess just in awe that you survived Micheal's death. If anything happened to Cara, I don't think I could carry on.

I'll give you a big old hug in person!

I guess there was a reason you have been heavy on my mind today, Alffe, enough to make me look you up!

Dad would have had a few choice words for that moderator LOL. I'm sure I don't have to remind you of his feelings regarding your son's situation. He believed, no he KNEW, it was a tragic accident.

Hope all is well with you otherwise. Don't be offended if I don't post again. You may recall I had said I wasn't comfortable in doing so a ways back and am still not. I had to post though after reading your post as I too believe in Dad's words and felt you needed that support.

Many hugs, Sue

(((sue))) !!!

(((Alffe))) ........ wow. What a horrible thing for a facilitator to say to you! To me it really made sense when you posted about 'instant solutions' and I totally agree that Michael's death was a very tragic accident.

Sue??? *grin....really really grin. Yes, your Dad would have the perfect choice words for that Moderator. I don't need to remind you that your Dad was the one that "put my life back together". He was the one that convinced me that Michaels' death was a tragic accident.

I hope you and your family are well. Thanks for checking in. (((sue)))

And Scrabble....thank you for understanding.