Dear Nik-key


PLEASE always remember when your father chose to take his own life

ALL RATIONALITY/REALITY had left his mind at that moment..........Suicide s not a rational chioce for anyone [euthinasia maybe not suicide totaly different]
Sadly it was his choice...............we all have a choice...............thats why were human.......free -will ....................adam/eve...............

To forgive is monumentous.........................to be angry is human............



David

Thank you all so much for your support. I came back last night, but I couldn't reply through the tears. Moving on.......

So....all great words of wisdom. One day at a time seems to be the moral here. David I found myself pondering over your post for just the longest time.
Its a short post, direct and to the point. I couldn't sleep well, I thought and thought on it. I keep thinking back to that day. The anger was just incredible, it was down right scary!

I remember saying I wanted a small memory urn of his ashes, so they could be buried with me. My family and I had a talk about keeping the ashes "whole"
So unlike me, I am the middle child, the peace maker, never cause a wave.
I remember just screaming through sobs......well he damn well didn't leave me whole!! Do any of you feel whole? I will never be whole again! I have no qualm on not leaving his ashes whole!!! And i can't recall how many times I yelled, cried well he didn't love me enough to damn well stay now did he!

Like I said, that anger scared me. It was deep, and it was cold! I just couldn't bear feeling that angry at my Dad. After my break down, and medications, the anger got better. Partly from shutting down , and partly because I did not want to be mad at him. I over defended him, I overly expressed my forgivness and understanding of his brutal act. Even my first post here, I jumped in with the background, to defend his act.

I did get to the place you are talking about David, that this was his choice. I had to accept it, and thought perhaps someday I could maybe even respect it. Somehow over these past couple of weeks, I lost touch with that. I will do some soul searching and see if I can't come to peace with that. The only solace I do have, as you all said, is I do know there is no way he could have known the wreckage, the heartache this would cause. And Allfie, I hadn't thought of that way, but you are right, I do feel so very rejected! Abandoned and robbed, and so damn sad I can feel my soul breaking.

I went and saw my doctors today , as though I am trying very hard not to think about it, and I know it is not an option, I don't want to think about it, but the thoughts of joining him keep stealing into my mind. I have dealt with so much physical pain for so damn long. Emotional as well, losing loved ones, losing my only baby...I never thought I would get over that. But time did lessen the pain. BUt, right from the start, this pain was different. It cut deeper. Its the worst pain I have ever felt, and it won't let up. Added to my daily chronic pain, it is about unbearable. So, I had to admit all of this......*sigh* They upped my medication, changed one, and gave me a stronger sleeping pill.

Alffe, 18 years later...do you still feel anger?

OK, this spent me. I will be back later to read the other posts.

Nikki

All death is painful, but this is different. Had it been MY choice....I would have gladly held him and helped him as he had helped his brother. It would have hurt for sure...but in it , I would have also found peace. I would have had precious time with him, there would have come a time I would pray to God to come take him home. It wasn't his time. He made it his time

I have forgiven him, I am still angry, hurt and confused...but I love him too much not to forgive him. Maybe its what nohope said, you are right, I was the top wrung of his ladder, and he never missed a chance to let me know.
Perhaps its from wrongs done in the past that we had to work through, maybe its because they almost lost me during surgery.....perhaps its just the way it is. We try to love all equal, but we can't help it, certain people effect us, move us more. He was also my top wrung. My hero.

As for forgiving myself.........I can't. I should have known. Not quite 3 years ago, when the cancer first showed, when he first told me he wished he could die. He told me about how he had to shoot his beloved dog as she was suffering too badly and woulnd't have made it to the vet, he then said he wished someone loved him enough to shoot him.........I didn't listen to how badly he was hurting, perhaps if I had, he would have told me this time.

I was able to convince him it wasn't his time. I needed him, we needed him. Since that time I have always been able to get him out of any funk, before these thoughts could come in.
We were just so damn close, I could always make him laugh even if it was through tears, he could do the same for me. So........forgive myself? No, I don't deserve that. I loved him with all that I am, yet I didn't know how badly he was hurting. That is unforgivable

Nikki, I just love your signature...just keep swimming..that says it all.

Do I still feel anger? Funny you should ask. It came roaring back on me a year ago when Michaels only child had a child of his own...a baby boy. No one was more surprised than I was to find myself raging at God again and at Michael for missing out on this child. I'm not going to kidd myself this time...it obviously is down to a simmer today but I won't be taken unaware again.

Before that I was enjoying life again...my heart had mended and I thought I could just try to help other people who were walking in my shoes...I was very suprised to find myself so in need of support.

I'm glad you went to the dr. and had a med. change...you can't do this by yourself Nikki. It will get better...my neighbor keeps asking me when? She is so suprised to find that she is crying more now then 3 months ago when her son killed himself. Her shock is wearing off and the reality of life without him is setting in.

No one should have to go through this kind of pain...if our loved ones had only known that we are forever changed...they wouldn't do it.

Just keep swimming Nikki....we are here for you.

Dear sweet Nik-key, This was your father! No one could ever understand, but you. If he had really thought out the emotional havoc it would wrack on his loved ones, I agree, it would have never happened.

You cannot blame yourself for not listening before. You were doing what every child, human being would have done, tune out the unthinkable.

I go through bouts of rage and emotional turmoil. At least you have found some forgiveness for what has happened. My story is much different and I will never forgive. However, I remember my husband as being my rock. I always had him in time of need, defense, shelter, home, father to my children, my best friend.

My husband would have been thinking very deeply of his little girls and his wife when he did it. Just not clearly, he was an alcoholic in the worst sense of the word. His actions were not brought on by clear thinking, but he worked months to develope his plan.

Every day I spend with our two precious girls, I know I will never forgive him.

I think that if I open a window, a breeze will come gushing through and I will feel his presense and how sorry and messed up he really was that night to take his life.

I think that he is now above and hurting as much as I am. I believe him to be watching us and bawling in hysterics as to why he could let this happen. Sometimes I feel really great about feeling his pain compared to the grief he left me.

I am alone and with two children. One who will never forget daddy and the other who will never remember. They are two girls seperated by 7 years and my 5 misscarraiges.

I grieve daily, but on meds. Thank God for meds. Where would I be without them, suicidal? I really believe so, but I must carry on. So must you. Put Daddy in your pocket and take him everywhere, you will feel much better. The load gets a little lighter as time goes by, but honestly, the pain will never cease. You just have to find a way to cope in "your way". That is the only way to continue with "your life"

Please get some rest. I hope there is sun tomorrow where you are at. It does wonders for me

I woke up with you on my mind this morning Nikki. I don't think I ever expressed any sympathy for the loss of your baby. Losing a child is devastating and I'm so sorry. Was it a boy or a girl and how long did they live? If this is too painful for you to talk about just ignore me but I did want to acknowledge my insensitivity.

And do I remember that your dear husband has altzheimers? Do you get any help from your family members? I think I remember that you are the middle child..with the pain you are in, both physical and emotional you really need a support system...some families are good at this and some aren't.

My heart goes out to you.

When I was diagnosed with my terminal disease, it put me in a state of shock - even the grass looked different. I lost my connection to everything. As much as I've had to deal with and think about death, it was overwhelming to be told I had a disease that would kill me in a horrible way. I watched my mother die from the same disease.

I suspect your father was in a state of shock too when he was diagnosed, after watching his brother die from cancer.

When my father was dying from cancer, it was so hard to see him wither away. He was always my rock, my hero. From the very beginning to the very end, I was a daddy's girl. One of the things he enjoyed most about life was being my rock and my hero.

When the tables turned and I had to be the one caring for him, he lost the spark in his eyes. As much as I tried to reassure him, he felt like a burden - no longer a father. He didn't want his friends to visit because he preferred they remember him strong and vibrant.

I suspect your father lost his connection too, but not with you, and I suspect he enjoyed being your rock as much as mine. Unfortunately, your dad was only thinking of the future burden he would be placing on you. In his confusion, he thought the pain of you losing him soon and quick would somehow be less of a burden to you overall. In a state of confusion, he merely played his cards wrong.

This may sound strange, but I suspect he'd give anything to take back that day - knowing how you feel. If it's possible, I suspect he's doing all he can to watch over you from above. I suspect, more than anything, that he wants to see you heal from this.

You are in my prayers, Nik-key.

Kathy, I am just bawling after reading your post, so I can't write....but I wanted to take a moment to thank you for your moving post.

Nohope thank you as well, it means a lot. I just noticed that you sent me a pm, I didn't even know we had those, I will read it and get back to you

Thank you all so much for well just everything!! I WILL be back, I just need to get a grip on my feelings.

I know I'm late in responding to this and I apologize.

I think that deep down in your heart, you know that the anger you are feeling is totally natural and completely appropriate. I can't imagine how much it must hurt to have your own parent decide to take himself out of your life. I do agree with David, however, that when a person becomes suicidal and acts upon that feeling, he/she is no longer thinking rationally. I'm sure at the time he did it he thought he was doing what was best for you and was completely blind to the fact that it would actually hurt you more than he could ever realize.

It will take you a long time to recover from this trauma, but I promise you - you will recover. Humans are resilient beings and with love and support you will be able to find some peace with what has happened to you. It's not an easy goal to reach but it's not impossible. Have patience, my friend. Healing is not out of reach. Right now it probably seems that way to you as it is still so fresh and tender. There will come a day where you will be able to truly forgive your father. Being angry doesn't make you love him any less - it means you love him more. I do think you should try to hold on to the good memories as tightly as you can. Those memories are so precious and should never be lost. Hang on with all your strength - the water will subside and you will be able to keep your head above it. In the meantime, you have the love and support of everyone in this forum. Please reach out to us so we may help you.

Mutton, thank you for your thoughtful reply....your words were what I didn't even know I was looking for when I signed on here tonight. I am just having a horrible time, but it IS helpful to know I am not alone. Thank you, Nikki