Oh BJ, that is so damn sweet, you are hurting so bad, and yet, you are consoling me. A heart of gold, and thank you

I can't control or change how you feel, but I do so wish your were not ashamed. I know why one feels that way, when I wanted to take my life to go be with my Dad, I was indeed ashamed to admit my thoughts ... BUT,
my doctors words forever changed me.

He told me how proud he was of me, how strong I was. I just couldn't believe, at my weakest moment, this man, this DOCTOR, was saying that to me. Since then, I have come to know, how very true his words were!

So, I say to you BJ, you are a fighter! You are so strong in just admitting what you have done and that you want help. I am already proud of you..... and I can't wait to just beam with pride, when you take the next step you so need to take, and let your pain out, tell your doctor all.... get the help we all need from time to time and start to heal

I am again, so so sorry for your losses. I just can't imagine Your parents are gone, but you can still talk to them, I "talk" to my Dad every single day!

As for not having any family left to understand you ? This forum, these people who all care so greatly for you, are your extended family, I assure you we all care, I care! Keep coming back and let us help youNikki

I cannot and will not judge you BJ. I haven't been there myself, so I cannot even advise, but you did a great job of explaining why you cut and I think that has to be good. To be able to do that so that some-one like me understands, has to be a step in the right direction.

I too am here BJ if you ever want to chat about anything at all. Maybe you'd like to hear about Australia one night when you're wide awake and in need of some-one to talk to. Maybe I can distract you long enough to be able to face another day. Say the word, and I'll be there in a flash.

Hugs BJ and thanks for letting us know that you're doing OK.

My Dear BJ

Whether you like this or not i DO SYMPATHISE with your plight, and understand fully why you CUT YOURSELF. For people to say its wrong and inappropriate, well they don't live your life, they are not in your head, and certainly don't feel your pain.

Self harm..is by definition pain carried out to oneself...99% of the time because of the inability to express inner turmoil, anger, pain both mental and/or physical..and a learned response to trauma.

At some point in life we have all unkowingly self harmed...how many out there comfort eat and are overweight???????............How many smoke at times of crisis or stress???????.........how many drink to numb pain...block out memories or thoughts?????................how many have lashed out, verbally or physically when under immense stress and pressure?????.....


Over here.... Accident&Emergency is full of self harm on a weekend... when drink fuelled males...punch walls..or punch glass windows.....[ self harm ]

Other self harm is pulling out hair ...biting nails..putting oneself in harmful situations deliberately, the list goes on sadly cutting is the most open and visible.

This may sound very strange but, telling someone to stop self harming... puts this person in a situation where the urge to self harm is more intense.

why?....because you have questioned their method of coping... it may not be your method... but it is theirs at this moment in time....

self harm is a learnt response with dealing with stress.... the first time its done it releases the inner pain ...and replaces that pain with physical pain.... the thught process concentrates on the here and now.......

the next time unwanted feelings appear the self harm way out is the easiest route... especially when the inner pain cannot be freely and openly spoken about....


The answer..........TALK TALK AND MORE TALK...........SELF HARMERS harm to express pain.....Cognative Behaviour Therapy is an excellent therapy that has excellent succes rates with dealing with this phenomenon............


BJ i comend you for openly sharing with us all that you do self harm... you obviously feel trust enough to confide this Personal TABOO to this forum.. this is a major part of self healing .....

one thing i ask sincerley of you is that if you feel the need to cut.... be as safe as you possibly can, use clean sterile objects...once the act is over clean the wounds thoroughly with antiseptic....if possible talk to someone you trust prior to the first cut..

PM ME ANY TIME YOU WANT BJ i will always listen to whatever you have to say...

David

David, I just wanted to tell you I thought your post was excellent!

BJ I echo what others have said, PM or email me any time, we can talk about anything, or nothing at all

((BJ)) I just continue to strongly urge you to seek out a good therapist and don't stop until you find one. We all need help from time to time to redirect our thought processes. Not easy when you are depressed to the end of time and back, but I do believe it can be done. Talking it out and learning new coping strategies from a good professional is worth its weight in gold.

I'm in awe of how you are so forthcoming with us, and hope that you can do that with professional as well.

you have probably already been all over the internet looking for support on SI? I been looking and stumbled across this and thought it was very interesting.

It's an excerpt from an article about a woman that was an SI. A journey from self-abuse to self-love.

I stumbled across that when I was looking of an SI web site. There are so many out there and I don't know if you are looking for help with that or not. Well, what you need help with is the underlying issues for sure.

Oh boy, I am not a professional, just trying to help. This site looks interesting, but again, there are so many out there! What I liked is it has a good section on finding a therapist. http://self-injury.net/stopping/

It interests me at how the mention of something like SI usually brings an immediate response of ... omg, she SI's???? Kinda like someone announcing they're gay or, well you name the 'stigma'.

I imagine that ALL of us have something in our lives that we do to make ourselves feel better (or should I say numb ourselves in some instances) that really aren't exactly acceptable options. I know I do!

K, I'm blathering and going to leave you with lots of love. I can't begin to understand cutting, but I do understand you have a lot going on in your mind and need help.

And ((BJ)) I'm concerned about your SI, but more important to me is you finding peace and some happiness in your life. That's most important! You are in so much distress right now we can't help but worry and I wish there were a quick fix.

I think it would help us all to get past the SI issues, or at the very least become more informed for BJ's sake (http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm), because what's important is getting to the underlying issues.

We just love you BJ and are insisting you keep working at finding that miraculous therapist!!! And keep remembering we love you! And keep working at finding some peace of mind for yourself!!!

Thank you for understanding where I'm at. I'd like to say I'm ashamed of cutting but in reality I'm not because in my thinking I'm keeping myself alive. It's my way of dealing with the overwhelming feelings I'm having and I feel like it's the only tool I have right now. It's a crude tool, but it works; I get relief from the overwhelming pain and fear in my life.

I can't quite explain it, but I know when to stop. After a certain amount of pain, the need is somehow satisfied and I feel peaceful, calm, soothed and then the urger comes back. It's common in people who disassociate not that I'm making excuses. I'm confused, I'm hurting. I'm trying not to judge myself for doing this. I'm a human being who makes mistakes. And it's one of the few areas of my life I'm in control of right now.

I know I need help, I know I need to find a therapist. But right now I just need to take the first step and tell my pdoc what happened, that's foremost in my mind right now. I'm hoping and praying that she can squeeze me in today and I'm hoping that I can let it all out

Oh I hope she does find time to see you BJ. I hope you told her that you're in crisis. Keep us posted...we are concerned and we care.

BJ

Wonderful reply Doody, and thank you so much for the link. you are really sweet!!

BJ, I am so glad you are trying to see your doctor today. You sound charged up to tell her what is eating you up, WONDERFUL!!!

And yes, please do express CLEARLY YOUR NEED AND THAT YOU ARE IN CRISIS!!

All my thoughts, prayers and love....wishing you strength today Nikki

dear BJ

I am about to say something that many others will be horrified about.

Until you have spoken to your Dr and shed all your pain .....and equally have been listened to and directed to a suitable therapy...then if you still the need to CUT do not resist....[aghhhhhhhhhhhhh most people now scream]

95% OF SI behaviour is carried out to distract an individual from inner turmoil...It is also a means to not commit SUICIDE..............

Self harmer's are very conscious of other peoples feelings ....thats why they hurt themselves.........and not others...

When cutting takes place Endorphins are released giving a state of release and euphoria..followed by the release of Dopamine: The brains way of natural sorting out the mind and body [ Exercise is the best way to evoke this chemical in the brain] [ when you have done a run or hard assertive work, do you feel keen and alert after initial exertion?]
A lot of Self Harmer's i have known say the inner pain gets to much=they cut=they get instant release of inner pressure=then comes the calm inner peace and the feeling of exhaustion and the need to sleep[ something that the initial problem was preventing] TOTAL VICIOUS CIRCLE as the cycle reoccurs.

Self Harmer's are only seeking to exorcise an inner demon, Hence the importance of those close to that individual to accept their decision...SI will not stop until an alternative coping strategy is found that produces the same effect as SI.................Clinical intervention can help...though most DR'S tend to have a knee jerk reaction and prescribe Anti depressants.....TALK THERAPY IS THE ANSWER/+/COGNATIVE BEHAVIOUR THERAPY. It helps the individual to confront their issues and teaches ways to cope that are not harmful, and are constructive not destructive.

I knew a young man who used to stub cigarettes out on his stomach....when stressed!!......... now he eats half a grapefruit........silly?....but it works for him......


Learning to cope is the key to life...........at times....its very hard......as humans we act on impulse and what we know to be right for us.........thats why we should never dissuade a SI .........we should suggest safe practice, medical advice for underlying causes, self help therapies for alternate ways of coping.......but never dismiss an individuals issues or ways of dealing with them.

BJ if your P.DOC SEEMS UN-SYMPATHETIC please do not give up seek a second third forth etc...opinion you will find someone who can help you confront your demons and restrict the damage they cause you both physically and emotionally

David