[Nik-key]

I was talking to my brother who lives in Boston about the service this Saturday. We talked for the longest time. Towards the end of the conversation he said you know, even thought I can tell you are crying, you sound better than you have in the past 3 months!

It hit me then. I am crying all the time, soft at times, harder than hell others.
I am grieving just as strong as I have been since March 14th when Dad took his life..........But, this is different. It is hard to say the least, to live where one can not be buried if they pass in the winter. You have the memorial service as we did in March...then we had to wait 3 months to have his funeral. 3 months of pure torture, grieving, with no end...waiting and waiting for this final service.

What hit me so strongly it could have knocked me over was that now, today...I am not crying and grieving for the same reason.....I am not screaming and ranting at him and God....I am not tortured with the whys and hows right now. Today I am crying because I am letting him go. It is time to say that final goodbye. It hit me that I have truly forgiven him. That I have come to accept this was his decision, and his alone.

Without a doubt and without ego I can say that Dad and I were closer than any of my other siblings. They know it as fact and have no ill feelings about it. They love him of course, and he them, we were just exceptionally close. Pure and simple, I made the effort they didn't. We all get busy with our lives, I made sure I was never to busy to stop in , to give hugs, to say I love you. I saw him at least once a week for the past 25 years!! We talked on the phone all the time, and we were always ALWAYS there for each other.

I can let him go now. I was the best daughter I was able to be, I knew he loved me, and he knew how dearly I loved him. What more can I ask for?? I can let go of the guilt...I can stop thinking I could have, should have known and been able to stop him.

As Saturday draws nearer, I am letting go of the pain that is wrought when someone we love chooses to leave us. I am letting go of the anger, and am now able to grieve for simply the tragic loss of my Dad. I know at times these feeling may creep back in, but they will never be as strong as they were these past 3 months. They will never again consume me to this degree. I know this, because I won't let them! I love my Dad too much to punish myself for a choice he made. It was his to make, my "choice", what I CAN CONTROL, is what I do now. I will strive to accept and forgive.

Whew that felt good to get out!! Healing is hard work!!
It means more than I can express in words how much having you all to share with has meant to me. You gave me a place I so desperately needed. I can't thank you all enough. Love, Nikki

[Alffe]

Well now I'm in tears. How truly insightful of you Nikki and that you were able to get there and recognize it on this week.

I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

[Abbie]

Thought maybe you could use this:


Abbie

[Nik-key]

Abbie thank you, there just are not enough hugs at the moment. each one helps
Alffie, strange ..but I think it is because his service is this week that I am thinking this way. Its hard to explain. Thank you

[KathyM]

Nik-key

It does sound like this tortuous waiting period served a useful purpose in your grieving. It gave you the opportunity to water quite a few gardens with all your "leaking." Sounds like it brought you closer to the phase of celebrating the life you had together with your father. It was quite a gift, and always will be.

I know it will be a sad day, but I hope it's also a beautiful day for you.

[FeelinGoofy]

I'll be thinking of you this weekend.....
vicky

[Doody]

(((Nik-key))) You've come a long way dear lady. It will help to finally tie things up. My sister died December 15 so we held onto her ashes until spring. Just family and her closes friend spread her ashes on Easter morning. Oh, we cried, a lot. But it was good to finally let go of what remained of her.

I can't imagine your pain. I'm so impressed with your strength though. You're amazing.

Hugs and love.

[Curious]

[Nik-key]

well..................I have been up all night just crying my heart out. I decided to pour it all out in a letter to him. I have put this letter and the others I wrote that were too personal to share, along with the poems......a picture...in a Father's Day card......I am putting them in with his ashes tomorrow. Mother of God!!! I hope to bury these feeling with him on saturday.
Like I said, I know I will still hurt, I know the feeling will erupt again......I just hope I can leave the worst of it behind, lay it to rest, as I lay him to rest.

[Twinkletoes]

So proud of you, Nik-Key. Love that your poems will be with him.