[Nik-key]

I was talking to my brother who lives in Boston about the service this Saturday. We talked for the longest time. Towards the end of the conversation he said you know, even thought I can tell you are crying, you sound better than you have in the past 3 months!

It hit me then. I am crying all the time, soft at times, harder than hell others.
I am grieving just as strong as I have been since March 14th when Dad took his life..........But, this is different. It is hard to say the least, to live where one can not be buried if they pass in the winter. You have the memorial service as we did in March...then we had to wait 3 months to have his funeral. 3 months of pure torture, grieving, with no end...waiting and waiting for this final service.

What hit me so strongly it could have knocked me over was that now, today...I am not crying and grieving for the same reason.....I am not screaming and ranting at him and God....I am not tortured with the whys and hows right now. Today I am crying because I am letting him go. It is time to say that final goodbye. It hit me that I have truly forgiven him. That I have come to accept this was his decision, and his alone.

Without a doubt and without ego I can say that Dad and I were closer than any of my other siblings. They know it as fact and have no ill feelings about it. They love him of course, and he them, we were just exceptionally close. Pure and simple, I made the effort they didn't. We all get busy with our lives, I made sure I was never to busy to stop in , to give hugs, to say I love you. I saw him at least once a week for the past 25 years!! We talked on the phone all the time, and we were always ALWAYS there for each other.

I can let him go now. I was the best daughter I was able to be, I knew he loved me, and he knew how dearly I loved him. What more can I ask for?? I can let go of the guilt...I can stop thinking I could have, should have known and been able to stop him.

As Saturday draws nearer, I am letting go of the pain that is wrought when someone we love chooses to leave us. I am letting go of the anger, and am now able to grieve for simply the tragic loss of my Dad. I know at times these feeling may creep back in, but they will never be as strong as they were these past 3 months. They will never again consume me to this degree. I know this, because I won't let them! I love my Dad too much to punish myself for a choice he made. It was his to make, my "choice", what I CAN CONTROL, is what I do now. I will strive to accept and forgive.

Whew that felt good to get out!! Healing is hard work!!
It means more than I can express in words how much having you all to share with has meant to me. You gave me a place I so desperately needed. I can't thank you all enough. Love, Nikki