by the time I got to college, my relationship with my father had became so bilious that "shooting daggers out of our eyes" wouldn't even begin to describe the tension one would felt whenever both of us would be in the same room.

I have always been insomnic and it got even worse in college. I would go to school, work, play cards all night or go out with my friends to various parties or clubs (I didn't drink but I always drove) so sleep was almost a never thing with me. I would take naps here and there, but that would be it. I usually would have a make up day once a week and would just crash all day.

it began to take a big toll on me and I turned to Nyquil and benedryl to help me sleep.

One night, before the big mid term, I became totally restless, my mind was filled with equations and pig latin and I couldn't tell a blue berry pie from PI.

I started taking nyquil around midnight hoping it would knock me out.

two hours later, I took another dose, two hours after that, I took another. Then, in desparation in hopes to get just a couple of hours of sleep, I took some again an hour later after the latest dose.

Few minutes later, my tics got intensified, I couldn't "feel" my neck. I felt as if someone had cut it off...I twitched and I twitched and I couldn't stop. My heartbeat fastened and I thought I was going to die.

My roommate had gone to his girlfriend's house the night before so nobody was there. I had moved to a more secluded area where neighbors were more scarce. I crawled out of the house and crawled to my nearest neighbor's house

I knocked on their door then I knocked over their trash cans (thank god it was trash pickup day)

I yelled and screamed and they called the cops.

I was sedated somehow and woke up in the hospital...

the first person I saw when I woke up was my mom. She was full of tears...

At that point, I had been dx with TS for many years but both of my parents were still in denial of it. They just didn't want to accept that I have TS. I guess their proudness and their guilt made them not wanting
to believe that their first born is "messed up."

My mom is a strong woman, strong headed, strong willed and very proud. she is also a kind woman but she shows that by actions than words.

I guess I was the subject of their arguments from time to time and when I was old enough, I would get into those arguments myself. It just got so very bitter between all of us.

I saw my mom's face and I can see guilt written all over it. I felt really bad for her. So I smiled and reached out my hand out to her in hopes that she would not feel guilty or feel anything, really...

she let me held it for a few minutes and walked out of the room...she is not really vocally affectionate in anyway but I was used to it.

Then, my dad walked in...

he was in his usual get up. Oversized hat, bleached out polo shirt, and oversized jeans. At that moment, I realized how much he'd aged and how much weight he'd gained over the years.

He was an athlete in his younger days...

But he looked "old" at that moment...

he didn't say anything...he just sat next to me with his eyes staring at the floor...his fingers crossed over and his hands laid on his lap.

I didn't understood my feelings at the time. It was a bit of resentment, it was a bit of bitterness, it was a bit of joy, it was a bit of sourness. But most of all, it was very much gratefulness...

I didn't expect to see him there to see me. I had just had a huge argument with him during my last visit home. We exchanged some very nasty remarks and almost got into a fist fight. I knew he was abhorred with me
and vice versa.

Seeing him there at the hospital sitting next to me brought some life back into me. I really wanted to reach my hand out to him...I knew he'd felt bad, about the last fight, about the fights before...about giving me "the weird disorder". Heckit, he probably
blamed himself somehow for me being in the hospital right now...

The son that he should be proud of...teased by others infront of him, called names infront of him. He didn't fight them, he asked me to not twitch, not bark like a dog, not blink my eyes.

He was embarassed of me. But most of all, I think he was embarassed of himself. That he GAVE me "that"...

I wanted to reach my hand out to him and say to him, "it's not your fault...I am so thankful that you are here..."

If he would've looked at me, I probably would've...

but he never did...so I never reached....

silence lingered for awhile...

.........

.........

.........

"you thirsty?" he asked, finally breaking the silence...

wow...it sounded kind of loud as it echoed through the room.

"yeah..." I replied in a low volume that even I had trouble making out what I was saying.

"I saw some nice oranges at the stands on our way into town. Let me go get you some."

I thought to myself at the time, what are you talking about? Oranges? There's water,juice machine, soda machine right down the hall and all over the hospital. And you want to get me some oranges you saw at the stand on the way into town?

There was a farmer's market into the town as they would've passed as they drove into town to see me. My dad loved farmer's markets. He was a fresh fruitphilia.

It didn't don on me that it was a two hour trip that they took that day. They owned a mom and pop's store and their income would've been nil that day. On top of that, they will now be slapped with a huge hospital bill.

it didn't don on me that those oranges were probably delicious and that he used to peeled oranges for me when I was a kid and we'd eat oranges in the kitchen and have juices dripped everywhere only to get into
trouble with mom and that somehow, it was his way of showing that he loved me...

NO...

All I could think at that moment was how he loved fruit and I had thought that he just wanted to go get some fruit for himself for that he was being selfish...only thinking of himself...

"oranges?? There's a soda machine down the hall, can I get a coke?" I said with a bit of disgust in my voice.

"You really shouldn't drink soda, drink some water and I'll go get you those oranges. They looked juicy and sweet. And the vitamin C would do you some good."

I glared at him with disbelief...

"you know, just go get your damned oranges. You just want them for yourself...I just want some coke, OK? too cheap to get me some?? Get out of here..." I yelled at him...

He looked at me for the first time, I could see the hurt in his face...

Gosh, what had I done...I wanted to take it back...but...I was too proud...

He stood up...and left the room as my mom came back in...

"what happened??" she inquired.

"nothing..." we both said bitterly...

she rolled her eyes at him and he left...I felt like a winner. She was on my side even though I was being unreasonable.

I fell asleep again...



I woke up to some very fragrant aromas. There was a bag of oranges sitting by the chair next to my bed. One was peeled open. It looked luscious and delicious. I swallowed hard...

but then I realized that he DID go get them...

Dammit, he went anyways...without respecting me and my wishes...but gosh, the orange was glowing. It looked ripe and juicy and it's sweetness just lingered throughout the room.

Nevertheless, I gave in to my recalcitrant head. I took the orange and threw it against the wall...

They both rushed into the room and saw the orange splattered on the floor...

"what's going on?"

"I WANT some COKE! I don't want the orange!" I cringed and gritted my teeth in disapprovement of the orange while I desired it with all my heart.

but it's really sweet, mom pleaded with me to try it...

I wasn't a spoiled child, I did my duties and got my share of the punishments. But at that very moment, I took advantage that I was in the hospital with a near death experience. I took advantaged of their guilt and I played my card...I was a gambler like my father before me.

"well, I don't want it...take it back with you...."

My mom shook her head and my dad looked away...

I had thought they would've make a big scene and I was ready for it. I already thought of the words and sentences I would've said to them...come on...say something to me...let me tell you...

but they didn't say anything...

I pulled the cover over my head and pretended to go back to sleep and I heard them leaving the room...

"fine, leave...you don't care about me..." my head told me as I swallowed the salty tears that were dripping down my face, my heart hardened and confused. I wanted to call out to them yet I wanted them to suffer...


I woke up the next morning and they weren't around. The nurse told me that they stayed until 3am and left to go home after the nurse assured them that I was OK and would be released today...

I resented them even more for not staying until I was released...but I knew that they were worried about money and now the big bill they'd get for this hospital episode...

but at that moment, I was too smart...too smart for my own good...too proud for my own good...I could only thought about moi...

I looked at the chair, the bag of oranges were still there...sitting there staring at me. As if mocking me at my stubborness...they teased me with their bright orange colors and the aroma of their freshness.

I then realized that it took my dad about 20 minutes to the market to get those oranges. Then he drove back and he and mom peeled it for me...

they didn't take ONE oragne with them...it was ALL for me...

no, they didn't say it...that they loved me...they did it by bring it to me...all in that bag...

my soul NOW tormented...gosh, why did I had to be sooo smart??? Why was I such an ***?? I wished they would've come back at that moment...to let me tell them how much I appreciated them. Regret, remorse, guilt all
conjured up inside...I hated myself then and there...


"What would you like for breakfast this morning? Would you like something to drink??" The nurse asked.

"Yes, orange juice, please..." as tears rolled down from my eyes

take a little walk...

into my heart...

arteries and ventricles and capillaries and what not...

follow the blood,

follow the clot,

follow it all and you'll end up

in a place that is full

in a place that is empty

in a place that is both yet it

contradicts with so many

but walk a little closer

and you'll see that

it's full of this thing eternal

that will never cease...

some die over it

some fight over it

some even try to capture it

but none can contain it

it's bigger than earth

it's bigger than the sun

it's bigger than the universe!

in this little place that's heart shaped...

it is this thing called...

LOVE...

(not a poet but oh well...they say to go with the FLOW...
note to self, do NOT attempt to write poetry at 2am....
heckit, do NOT attempt to make any sense at 2am...)

Hey, Moi? Why don't you go and tell your mom what you just told us,...if you haven't already. Maybe it will cleanse your thought processes.

I bet there are many of us here that have had an event like that...one that we desperately regretted later. I still hold some of those regrets in my heart from that last year, an entire year, when my sister was slowly dying before my eyes. I did and didn't do and say things I felt so guilty about for years after she left. I still work hard at understanding WHY I did or didn't do or say or didn't say something at that time.

You had your reasons for doing what you did and I understand where you're coming from.

You had your reasons (((Moi))). And I'll bet anything both of your parents also held many regrets that weren't discussed.

It's okay dear Moi. Really, it's okay. Now work on understanding why you did what you did at that time. You had been (and have been) through a lot because of your illness. It's okay to start letting it go. We have to in order to love the rest of the life we have left here on this earth.

Love you.

((moi))

Thank you for sharing your beautiful heart with us.

hi doody,

you know, I am OK. It was nice to get these off of my chest. I guess with his(Dad's) anniversary coming up and for some reason, I have been really down as of late, all these emotions are just whirlpooling outta no where.

I have talked with my mom about these things before but it always ended up kinda...well, not good...LOL

But I think I will keep on trying with her. She's mellowed out a lot thanks to da wife and I have her and you wonderful folks here to thank for for letting me vent.

I don't want anyone to think badly about my mom. She is old school and from another era. But she has a heart of gold...

she and my dad just were NOT meant to be...I accept that now...

love you much and miss you, doody. I saw those Sand Dollar chocolate the other day with Dale. If it weren't summer, I'd get you a box. I still remember driving to the airport with you. You may not have realized it, but it helped me as well...

((((BIG HUGS)))) love you also


hey KM,

thank you...not sure if my heart is beautiful. I have been on this life long quest asking about my "heart" and I just want to do the "right" thing, no matter how "wrong" they are. LOLOL

but thank you nevertheless because I know you are sincere in what you said. And that means a lot to me.

I think I might be on the right track cause I am the happiest I've ever been even though I am at a low point in my life right now...weird, isn't it?

you have a beautiful heart yourself.

(((((BIG HUGS)))))

and thanks to all those that listened...

(((((group hugs)))))

all I can do right now is listen so extra thanks and extra hugs for talking

I think that most of us can think of times when we were not the greatest with our parents. I know I could rattle of a few without much thought.

The way I see it is all these experiences we have cause us to grow. When one of my kids say or do something to hurt my feelings I try to remember they are just kids and kids are selfish at times. Especially teenagers.

So when they do I try to think back to my transgressions and realize that they too will hopefully learn from this and think before they speak the next time.

You know Moi, the very fact that you are able to share here and help others shows how very much you do care about people. You bring up memories for us, both good and bad and that is ok. We learn from our past and it helps guide our future. I am glad to hear that you are happy. ...Sue

dear wren, listening is good...I talk too much and probably don't listen enough...the world needs more listeners than talkers. LOL

((((BIG HUGS))))

thank you sue, this made me a little misty...

my brain is one that is stupidly confused. As soon as I post something, I regret it, but if I don't post it, I feel like I am going to explode.

It beats hurting myself like I used to do. It beats the suicidal thoughts that I couldn't shake...

I am so sincerely thankful to be able to shake these thoughts out. All the replies and genuine friendships are all icing on the cake...

thank you for sharing...

((((BIG HUGS))))