I have been thinking about my dad a lot lately...

my dad and I had a very tumultuous relationship...

but lately, I have been thinking more of those little moments that were...nice...nothing fancy, just the word..."nice"

He was dying of heart failure, and was afraid to go to sleep at night. He didn't have insurance so my mom worked a couple of jobs and I worked a few myself just to help to pay for his meds and med costs.

One time, I got back from my third job and was exhausted. I came home and found him watching TV...I went to the kitchen and got some food and when I came back out, he fell asleep on the couch. I knew he hadn't slept well for awhile now and I think he finally exhausted him to sleep, soundly...

I could hear him snore and his face seemed...calm...

Part of me was scared, afraid that this might be the eternal sleep...but at the same time, he looked so peaceful...it brought a smile to my face...at that very moment, I wished that I had more time, to speak with him, to talk with him, to make things up with him...

I remembered thinking, it just wasn't fair...why did it had to be like that between us??

I laid in the hallway, my eyes too tired to open yet too afraid to fall asleep. I laid there listening to his snoring ready to wake him at the moment the snoring would've stopped...slowly, his snores were replaced with my own...

I woke up again and pleasantly found him still snoring...still looking peaceful...I went to bed, falling sound asleep myself for the first time in a long time...

My dad loved to eat...eating was one his finer guilty pleasures in life...he'd try anything at least once and had considered himself a connoisseur and fancied himself an epicurean.

but there were few that were among his very favorites...

my lovely wife and I dined today somewhere and some of the foods that we had were some of his favorites...

as I tasted each one in my mouth, I tried to imagine him enjoying it, with each taste teasing my taste buds, I could picture him savoring it while he sighed happily and smiled...

he loved water melons...

a couple of weeks before he died, the wife(I call her "da wife" LOL) who was just a friend then, came to visit and we took him to the beach.

It was a very hot day, we brought water but that wasn't enough to quench our thirsts.

As we walked through the entrance, there was a family there at the picnic table with water melons galore. My dad walked over and asked them if they'd give him a piece. I was a bit embarassed but was very glad and GRATEFUL that they actually gave him a big slice.

He didn't bother walking much further and sat right there close to the entrance and started to chomp down at the water melon like a child while juices dripping down his chin and crunching sounds slopping through the air...

he didn't finish it all and fell asleep with it on his lap. We didn't have the heart to wake him but he was blocking the entrance so we finally woke him up and he tripped over the log...

but he smiled...I hadn't seen him smile for a long time...

we walked toward the beach and the sun was glistening on his face...he pulled up his trousers over his legs and gently stepped into the water...the salty sea air seemed to revive him a bit...

I stood behind him, taking all this in...I had to fight my tears cause I wanted to scream out to the ocean, and ask for more time, for more patience, for more...more ANYTHING...

I needed the TIME!! PLEASE!!

But the only answer I got back was the crashing of the waves...

but looking at him, I could see parts of his profile silhoutted against the beaming sun...he was smiling...contently...

I could see him taking it in, I think he knew it was the last time he would be at the beach...

but at that moment...the future didn't matter...only "NOW"


those moments are my "NOW" now...

and I need them...